Tuesday, August 30, 2005


It’s hot, it’s weird, it’s inhuman—it’s furnitureporn.com. As the old expression goes: “When the cat is away, the mice do play.” What, exactly, is your furniture doing while you’re out working hard to earn a living, providing them with a good home and stable environment? The answer will curl your toes and gnarl your sensibilities.

Captured on hidden camera, and at times with consenting models, furnitureporn.com shows the secret sexual lives of our furniture. See what two slick, randy chaise lounge chairs are capable of doing beneath a tree on a sunny day. Or check out the “Office Party” pages in which you’ll see the rollicking frolics of “Mr. Brown” and “Miss White” (obviously not their real names). And for the truly twisted among the human population, there is the “Amateur Page” in which you’ll find grandma’s old satiny pink sitting chair being ravished by a frumpy brown velour reading chair. It’s not even a recliner, and it’s getting this kind of sick action!

The people behind furnitureporn.com understand just how disturbing and unmanning their content is, and for this reason a visitor must navigate through a series of pages with “Enter” and “Exit” buttons, allowing for immediate escape for those whose courage fails them. Going through these pages, one has the sense of entering the outer chamber of Hell, itself, and that total damnation is but one mouse click away.

After viewing these pages, one cannot help but feel a deep and abiding sense of betrayal—and nausea—thinking, “Cripes, my family and I sit on these chairs!” The unpleasant truth is that your furniture doesn’t care. I guess when you’re made of wood, cushion and springs, there’s always a chance of going unsprung, and the nearest beast to the breach escapes. Usually it’s the sexual genie. And by the looks of the furniture letting it all hang out—and more—on furnitureporn.com, there’s no getting that genie back into the bottle.

So, what’s the answer? How can you co-exist with your furniture’s insatiable sexual appetites?

First, don’t condemn or judge, that will only drive your furniture away from you. You may not agree with the lifestyle and erotic acrobatics that fill your furniture’s lives, but you must remember—their yours.

Second, give the furniture space. Go out on a weekday evening with a clear understanding as to what time you’ll be returning so that you don’t catch your furniture in any shocking entanglements.

Third, talk to your furniture. Communication is key. Take the lead with this; after all, you are the sentient being in the relationship. You live together under the same roof and you should try to be as accepting of your furniture’s needs as possible.

It’s all about understanding and acceptance. Now that you know what your furniture is doing when you’re not at home, embrace your furniture’s need to express its eroticism. And the next time you’re making out on your loveseat, you should know that if it could, that loveseat would be giving you two thumbs up.

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