Friday, July 29, 2016

Trumponium Epiphany - His Presidency Won't Be So Bad

Donald Trump is going to win the American Presidential election, and it's OK. 

America and much of the world survived George W. Bush, arguably the worst president in American history.  If W. didn't launch the nukes by his first Valentine's Day in office, Trump is even less likely.  Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, no doubt has a list of enemies sewn into the lining of her favorite pants suit.

There is a fundamental difference between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Show Donald Trump a map of the world, and the first thing he thinks about is where to build  casinos.

Show Hillary Clinton a map of the world, and the first thing she thinks about is where to start bombing and bring FREEDOMTM.

Compare Hillary's history of "pay to play" versus Donald Trumps ventures, and the casual observer would be hard-pressed to identify who is the actual huckster.

Donald Trump is that loud, drunk guy at the company golf tournament, with the crazy, slashing sunburn across his face because he was too short-sighted to wear a hat or sunscreen.  He's loud and laughing at stuff that's not funny, making jokes that aren't funny.  He's got his arm around people who politely peel themselves out of his sweaty clinch.  He scans the room looking for a kindred soul, and finds none.  But a strange kind of hilarity coalesces around the guy, that even though he, personally, is not humorous, there is humor in his existence, in his spectacle, in how few fucks he gives about creating that spectacle.  And if you're able to remain outside his vortex and observe from afar, soon the clownish asshole is greater than the sum of his parts, and you're laughing, imagining telling your friends about him the next day, thinking about how you'll describe the ridiculous sunburn he's got that an eleven year old would be smart enough to avoid getting.  And his once-obnoxious guffaws roll in like waves.  One or two or a handful of such laughs are intolerable, but the sheer onslaught of them, the magnitude, the plenitude, the unendingness of those humorless guffaws -- is hilarious.  The man's commitment to being The Asshole, at some point, becomes almost admirable.  That's he's willing to be Loud Guy, Drunk Guy, a Figure of Fun, with the blazing red stripe across his sweaty, leering face, the mask of Comedy and Tragedy all at once.  And then you contemplate the hangover he'll doubtless have the following morning, and you feel a rush of compassion for the lout, that he would take on the mantle of Town Foole for the rest of us, have his blow-out in the most inappropriate of venues, sweat stains under his arms, crude remarks mixed with the odd, insightful insult spill from his lips.  Slip into his vortex and you risk a sweaty hug.  If you're a woman, you'll surely have your ass pinched.  A man would endure an avalanche of backslapping.  But as long as the proper distance is maintained, observing That Guy, The Fool, The Figure of Fun is cathartic.

That is Donald Trump.

And then there is Hillary Clinton, who would build a nest in your ear and charge you rent. 

The real reason Donald Trump would make an excellent president is because he doesn't want to govern.  He just wants to be president:
One day this past May, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., reached out to a senior adviser to Gov. John Kasich of Ohio... (who spoke only under the condition that he not be named), [saying] Donald Jr. wanted to make him an offer... Did he have any interest in being the most powerful vice president in history?

When Kasich’s adviser asked how this would be the case, Donald Jr. explained that his father’s vice president would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy.

Then what, the adviser asked, would Trump be in charge of?

“Making America great again” was the casual reply.
If Trump took it into his mind to govern -- unlikely -- his ideas are so radical and unhinged, not even the Republican House and Senate would pass his legislation.  There is a reason why most Republican Congressmen and Senators were reluctant to endorse Trump and why they still find it hard to like him -- because he forces them to be responsible human beings.  His prejudice is so overt that they're in the uncomfortable position of asking a fellow rich white guy to "reel it in".  And this is painful to them.  His alienating ideas of how to bully the rest of the world cause even war hawks to demur. 

Most of all, the outrageous egos of the House and Senate Republicans have now met their match and have been found wanting.  Against the flashlight beam ego of your average citizen, the Klieg light ego of a politician is blinding and overwhelming. 

Enter Donald Trump's ego -- the dual suns of Tattooine!

What would Donald Trump legislation look like?
  • Putting his face on all United States currency.
  • Sales tax amnesty one day per year for all American men named "Donald".
  • Making Twitter the national bird. 
  • Wet T-shirt contests on the South Lawn of the White House. 
  • Taco Tuesdays.  
I say, give him a chance.  It's his turn.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Criminal Syndicate Seeks to Join Fraternal Order of Police

          Bluffer Street Boyz in new gang attire; hoping to impress F.O.P. by standing in line.
A criminal syndicate known as the Bluffer Street Boyz announced today that it is seeking to join the Fraternal Order of Police. "We consider ourselves an elite criminal gang," said masked Boyz spokesman, Toggle, "and joining the cop union seemed like a natural fit. We are expert at committing the crimes. They are expert at keeping criminals out of jail."

To prove his point, Toggle pulls a tattered, folded, soiled news clipping from the Star Tribune from the rear end of his low-hanging jeans.  It begins: "Since 2000, at least 143 people in Minnesota have died after being shot, Tased or restrained by a police officer. To date, not a single officer has been charged in any of those deaths."

"Those are the kind of results we're after," Toggle explained.  "And remember that cop in Baltimore who slit a restrained dog's throat?  He was let go.  Free -- and got almost fifty grand in back pay!  Boom!  That is what I'm talking about!"

Toggle regains his composure: "That would be gold for the Bluffer Street Boyz.  We kill a lot of family pets to, you know, 'send a message.'

"Or, look at the cop in New York who ran over a pedestrian who had the right of way," Toggle opined.  "It was on video, for fuck's sake!  Even the boyz at the clubhouse thought for sure the cop would at least be charged, to, you know, at go through the motions.  But nah!  She walked.  She wasn't summonsed or charged by NYPD, nothing.  That would really work for me and the Boyz, cuz we get tied up a lot with traffic violations.  Number of times I tell those motherfuckers to take some driving lessons, they get they asses pulled over all the damn time.  And that's where the cop union'd come in and make everything ah-ight."

The Fraternal Order of Police had no immediate comment regarding the Bluffer Street Boyz request for representation, though an insider who asked to remain unnamed says the gang's chances of being accepted are better than they think.

Friday, February 27, 2015

The Tiniest Trigger Fingers

FAIRFAX, Virginia -- Yet another expectant mother was rushed to hospital earlier today after suffering a gunshot wound, in another of what appears to be an epidemic of such attacks upon pregnant women.  Ever since the Fetus Defense Act (FDA) was made law, giving a green light to the National Rifle Association (NRA) and anti-abortion organization, Stop Abortions Now! (SAN), to arm fetuses, there has been a troubling spate of accidental, in utero shootings.

"The unborn have every right to defend themselves, as guaranteed by the Second Amendment of the Constitution," said Constance Goldschmirk, executive director of SAN.  "When the NRA reached out to us about this issue, it just made sense we join forces in the current political climate where the rights of the unborn are under constant challenge."

With fears of crime and terrorism on the rise, pregnant women have been standing in long lines at FDA kiosks at discount retailers, DMV offices and private clinics specializing in the procedure, seeking extra protection for their unborn children.  Ironically, the medical procedure that actually places the miniaturized firearms into the hands of fetuses is hauntingly similar to the very abortion procedure FDA advocates seek to prevent.

"The in utero firearm-discharge incidents are regrettable, but a very small price to pay in order to protect our most valuable natural resource: our unborn children," says National Rifle Association CEO, Wayne LaPierre.  "On the whole, the NRA's mantra is being proven true every day: more guns equals more safety."

Not everyone is convinced.  Pro Choice advocate, Kathy Rebar, is incredulous.  "Arming fetuses?" she says with an obvious air of disbelief.  "I mean, they are putting guns into the hands of unborn children!  We believe expectant mothers have every right in the world to protect their babies, but why do this with lethal weapons?  Why wouldn't the FDA have mandated the use of brass knuckles, pepper spray or telescoping batons, instead?  Why was the lethal option the first one FDA advocates went to?"

Surprisingly, few expectant moms who've been injured by fetal misfirings express any regrets.  "It's my right to arm my baby!" says Cindy Trifle, of Corpus Christi, Tennessee.  "I just wish her little hands could hold a bigger gun!"

"I firmly believe my baby pulled the trigger because he sensed danger," says Meredith Medak of Blood-on-the-Cross, South Carolina.

"Some people say, 'If God wanted your unborn baby to have a gun, He'd a put one in your womb-place to begin with!'" says Taila Meechum of Judas Iscariot Falls, Arkansas.  "Well, I tell those big mouth liberal pansies, 'Yeah? God don't need to put a gun in my baby nest . He sent Wayne LaPierre to do that!'"

If the issue of arming the unborn were not contentious enough, civil rights groups are entering the fray with charges of racism.  There is a growing number of cases in which non-white babies have been arrested for possession of firearms upon being born.

"There are cases in which hospitals offer to bronze the guns that white babies are born with," says Jamal Shaka, communications director of the Black Frontier movement.  "But babies of color are being arrested, sometimes tasered, even before they are placed in their mommas' arms!  This is an outrageous double-standard!"

Numbers backing up these allegations are sparse.  Much of the data is anecdotal.  And still the debate rages . . .

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Rebuilding Christendom -- You're doing it wrong

I see the purpose of your "Rebuilding Christendom" conference is to "proclaim the politics of Jesus Christ".

You're doing it wrong.

Jesus Christ didn't have a political position.

When asked about taxes, Jesus said to give what is due to Caesar and give what is due to god.

Regarding the wealthy, Jesus said that a business man has as much chance of getting into the Kingdom of Heaven as a camel passing through the eye of a needle.  In other words, zero chance.

Monday, July 23, 2012

When Dealing with the Police -- Canadian Edition

You have the Right . . .

To laugh.

Chances are, you’ll get a “Promise to Appear” citation.

If you are arrested, even better.  That means you’ll go before a Canadian judge.  Canadian judges love raggamuffin people who appear before them.

At best they’ll let you go.  At worst, they’ll give you a tongue-lashing that sounds like something from an Andy Hardy movie . . . and then they’ll let you go.

If the Police Stop Anyone . . .

Know that Canadian street cops are very frustrated with Canadian courts because the judges let everyone go.  Recently, a man who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography was sentenced to 14 days in jail.  A guy found guilty of stabbing two people was sentenced to 30 months in jail.

Unless the person stopped by the cops stabbed someone or was caught with CP, they’re home free.

The cops might be grouchy with you because they know you’re going to walk, no matter what they caught you with.  Be polite and feel secure that their fate -- at worst -- will be in the hands.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Motivational speaker's character-building exercise goes awry

Motivational speaker, Herm Kaleidoscope, is facing tough questions this morning after a character-building exercise in his popular "Align Your Inner Anaconda" weekend retreat went tragically wrong.

The popular author and retreat leader went into the Arizona desert on Friday evening with twenty-four adherents and came out Saturday afternoon with only five of them.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The NRA comments on the deadly Aurora, Colorado cineplex shooting

Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, eyed the reporters gathered at the NRA press conference with his steely, patriot's gaze.

The question that was already causing so much outrage and angst in the NRA was the first to be asked of LaPierre.  Some jellyfish from a New York news bureau asked, "When will the NRA acknowledge that some level of gun contol is needed in this country, given the sorts of preventable tragedies like the shooting at the Aurora, Colorado cineplex?"