Friday, February 27, 2015

The Tiniest Trigger Fingers

FAIRFAX, Virginia -- Yet another expectant mother was rushed to hospital earlier today after suffering a gunshot wound, in another of what appears to be an epidemic of such attacks upon pregnant women.  Ever since the Fetus Defense Act (FDA) was made law, giving a green light to the National Rifle Association (NRA) and anti-abortion organization, Stop Abortions Now! (SAN), to arm fetuses, there has been a troubling spate of accidental, in utero shootings.

"The unborn have every right to defend themselves, as guaranteed by the Second Amendment of the Constitution," said Constance Goldschmirk, executive director of SAN.  "When the NRA reached out to us about this issue, it just made sense we join forces in the current political climate where the rights of the unborn are under constant challenge."

With fears of crime and terrorism on the rise, pregnant women have been standing in long lines at FDA kiosks at discount retailers, DMV offices and private clinics specializing in the procedure, seeking extra protection for their unborn children.  Ironically, the medical procedure that actually places the miniaturized firearms into the hands of fetuses is hauntingly similar to the very abortion procedure FDA advocates seek to prevent.

"The in utero firearm-discharge incidents are regrettable, but a very small price to pay in order to protect our most valuable natural resource: our unborn children," says National Rifle Association CEO, Wayne LaPierre.  "On the whole, the NRA's mantra is being proven true every day: more guns equals more safety."

Not everyone is convinced.  Pro Choice advocate, Kathy Rebar, is incredulous.  "Arming fetuses?" she says with an obvious air of disbelief.  "I mean, they are putting guns into the hands of unborn children!  We believe expectant mothers have every right in the world to protect their babies, but why do this with lethal weapons?  Why wouldn't the FDA have mandated the use of brass knuckles, pepper spray or telescoping batons, instead?  Why was the lethal option the first one FDA advocates went to?"

Surprisingly, few expectant moms who've been injured by fetal misfirings express any regrets.  "It's my right to arm my baby!" says Cindy Trifle, of Corpus Christi, Tennessee.  "I just wish her little hands could hold a bigger gun!"

"I firmly believe my baby pulled the trigger because he sensed danger," says Meredith Medak of Blood-on-the-Cross, South Carolina.

"Some people say, 'If God wanted your unborn baby to have a gun, He'd a put one in your womb-place to begin with!'" says Taila Meechum of Judas Iscariot Falls, Arkansas.  "Well, I tell those big mouth liberal pansies, 'Yeah? God don't need to put a gun in my baby nest . He sent Wayne LaPierre to do that!'"

If the issue of arming the unborn were not contentious enough, civil rights groups are entering the fray with charges of racism.  There is a growing number of cases in which non-white babies have been arrested for possession of firearms upon being born.

"There are cases in which hospitals offer to bronze the guns that white babies are born with," says Jamal Shaka, communications director of the Black Frontier movement.  "But babies of color are being arrested, sometimes tasered, even before they are placed in their mommas' arms!  This is an outrageous double-standard!"

Numbers backing up these allegations are sparse.  Much of the data is anecdotal.  And still the debate rages . . .

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Rebuilding Christendom -- You're doing it wrong

I see the purpose of your "Rebuilding Christendom" conference is to "proclaim the politics of Jesus Christ".

You're doing it wrong.

Jesus Christ didn't have a political position.

When asked about taxes, Jesus said to give what is due to Caesar and give what is due to god.

Regarding the wealthy, Jesus said that a business man has as much chance of getting into the Kingdom of Heaven as a camel passing through the eye of a needle.  In other words, zero chance.

Monday, July 23, 2012

When Dealing with the Police -- Canadian Edition

You have the Right . . .

To laugh.

Chances are, you’ll get a “Promise to Appear” citation.

If you are arrested, even better.  That means you’ll go before a Canadian judge.  Canadian judges love raggamuffin people who appear before them.

At best they’ll let you go.  At worst, they’ll give you a tongue-lashing that sounds like something from an Andy Hardy movie . . . and then they’ll let you go.

If the Police Stop Anyone . . .

Know that Canadian street cops are very frustrated with Canadian courts because the judges let everyone go.  Recently, a man who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography was sentenced to 14 days in jail.  A guy found guilty of stabbing two people was sentenced to 30 months in jail.

Unless the person stopped by the cops stabbed someone or was caught with CP, they’re home free.

The cops might be grouchy with you because they know you’re going to walk, no matter what they caught you with.  Be polite and feel secure that their fate -- at worst -- will be in the hands.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Motivational speaker's character-building exercise goes awry

Motivational speaker, Herm Kaleidoscope, is facing tough questions this morning after a character-building exercise in his popular "Align Your Inner Anaconda" weekend retreat went tragically wrong.

The popular author and retreat leader went into the Arizona desert on Friday evening with twenty-four adherents and came out Saturday afternoon with only five of them.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The NRA comments on the deadly Aurora, Colorado cineplex shooting

Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, eyed the reporters gathered at the NRA press conference with his steely, patriot's gaze.

The question that was already causing so much outrage and angst in the NRA was the first to be asked of LaPierre.  Some jellyfish from a New York news bureau asked, "When will the NRA acknowledge that some level of gun contol is needed in this country, given the sorts of preventable tragedies like the shooting at the Aurora, Colorado cineplex?"

Thursday, July 19, 2012

HSBC compliance chief, David Bagely, steps down amid Mexican drug cartel scandal


In a brief statement before U.S. Congressional investigators, Mr. Bagley said, "After bonding with my Mexican bros, I saw how meaningless banking was and decided to follow my bliss to the Choix mountains."

When asked what he would be doing in the Choix mountains, Mr. Bagley said, "I'll be Chief Operating Officer of the Beltr├ín Leyva Cartel's dog fighting division.  I've always had a soft spot for animals."

Friday, July 13, 2012

Outrage Over eBikes in Automotive City

Windsor, Ontario -- known the world over for its contributions to the auto industry and for being one of the most automobile-centric societies on earth.

Much as Windsorites enjoy their motorized, mechanized transportation vehicles, there's a new breed on the road that's causing fear, loathing and outrage.

As though springing from some malevolent alien pod, "eBikes" -- some hellish, moped hybrid of unnatural origin -- have taken to the streets like a plague in Windsor, Ontario .