I am writing to apply for the position of Head Coach with the Detroit Lions.
My qualifications are as follows:
- I dislike professional sports
- The last Lions game I attended was in 1984
- I'm not an American citizen
- I believe football should be played with a dodecahedronal object constructed of paper mache and sheathed in hypo-allergenic carbonate
- My only athletic experience is three years of water polo
My approach to coaching could be described as Da Da-esque. Applying the tenets of Jungian water polo, I will turn the Lions' 2008 season into greatest negatunity since the Mesopathians in 63 A.D..
Finally, I am willing to work for the sum of $1, provided that the Detroit Lions buy all of my groceries, pay my mortgage, pay my car, telephone, Cable and other miscellaneous bills, and agree to pay my wife a stipend of $5 million per year.
Let's make the 2009 season like the month of March -- going in like a lion and coming out like a . . . lynx.