Shem Mountainson: The Man Who Should've Been John McCain's Running Mate

As Brendan Gill said of someone, "He took what he could not help about himself, called it a principle, and congratulated himself on practicing it."

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Being a conservative in America is like attending a Russian fashion show: whether the models don evening wear or swim wear, it's all just a gray smok. And no matter what you want out of life, conservatism precludes you from thinking about or questioning your party's choice of leaders or policies. For much of his campaign, John McCain was vilified and ridiculed by conservative commentators. Now that he's the Republican pick for president, he's known to walk on water and raise the dead. And can turn water into Diet Fresca. Rather than flaunting these powers newly attributed to him by conservatives, John McCain has merely chosen a pretty woman from Alaska as his running mate.

And Republicans have embraced her as their own!

When Sarah Palin couldn't name a single newspaper or magazine that she reads, conservatives trumpeted: "She's a free-thinker! She doesn't want to endorse any one newspaper or magazine!" When she claimed she had foreign policy experience because she could see Russia from her home, conservatives nodded and accepted that because, yeah, life is that easy -- that absurdity affirmed their quietly held belief that they, too, could fly an airplane without training because they'd seen one fly, or be a movie star because they'd watched a movie, or hit a home run because they'd seen a baseball game.

I wish we could go back in time to the night before Sarah Palin was tapped as the vice presidential candidate, when McCain awoke in bed and said to the aides surrounding him and Cindy, "Let's piss off Karl Rove and choose someone from Alaska as my running mate! A fucking woman!" I would go back to that moment, and have McCain choose, instead, Idaho alderman, Shem Mountainson; a cross between Ed Gein and George "The Animal" Steele. Shem's six foot five, weighs all of 400 lbs, chews tobacco, wears voluminous overalls, and trudges around in workboots clumped with pig shit. Shem -- who believes in "freedom" -- brews his own booze, pays taxes when he feels like it, and wins every argument -- political, religious and sports-related -- with his irrefutable rejoinder, "Shut yer stupid mouth!"

Revising Recent History

McCain chose Shem as his running mate, and soon after every conservative in the country was joyfully shouting, "Shut yer stupid mouth!", driving around in SUVs with bumper stickers that read McCain/Mountainson '08 "Shut yer stupid mouth!"

Shem was intoxicated during interviews with Charlie Gibson, Sean Inanity and Katie Couric. The New York Times published op-eds lamenting Shem's public drunkenness, his tobacco spitting and free use of profanity during the interviews, saying it showed a lack of respect for the campaign process, for the office he sought, as well as for the voting public. Glen Beck responded that evening, "Respect is for the dead. Let Shem be Shem!"

At the one-and-only vice presidential debate, Shem entered the stage wearing stained overalls, leading his pet goat by a rope leash, and trailed clumps of pig shit across the carpeting. Mid-way through the debate, as Shem inebriatedly explained that he possessed foreign policy experience because he could identify a globe as "the earth", he spontaneously vomited onto his podium. Debate moderator, John Roberts of CNN, didn't notice this, but left-wing bloggers certainly did. Shem continued with the debate, and by the time of the nightly news afterward, everyone was talking about what had come out of his mouth.

"How low can Shem go?" Keith Olbermann lamented. "Ridiculous!" cried The Huffington Post. "Did you check the tits on the hottie in row fifty-three?" wondered TMZ.

Republicans being a party of uniters, circled their conservative wagons around Shem. "What? You've never vomited?" Bill O'Reilly sneered during his Talking Points. "Elitists!" cried Rush Limbaugh. "Only elitists don't puke!" And from Anne Coulter, "I'm so conservative, I vomit after every meal."

In a speech the following day, Nancy Pelosi was seen wearing an outfit that was growing in popularity among Democrats -- a pair of overalls overtop of her pantsuit. Halfway through the speech, she went into a strangely contrived coughing fit. Later, conservative bloggers accused her of trying to vomit during her speech. Pelosi adamantly denied the charge, claiming offense that anyone would think her capable of such shameless pandering.

During an open air event, wearing an enormous pair of brand new overalls over top of his business suit, Ted Kennedy vomited copiously while making a case against the election of John McCain as president. One teary-eyed observer who identified herself as a life-long Kennedy-admirer said, "He's still got it in him!"

When John McCain was asked about his running mate bringing a goat onstage during the vice presidential debate, the Republican nominee replied, "What goat? There was no goat. That's a conspiracy theory floated by far left-wing bloggers and propagated by the corrupt and compliant maintream media!" He closed his eyes, regained control of himself and said, "I dispute the premise of your question that there was a goat there in the first place." When asked about his running mate appearing drunk during interviews, McCain growled testily, "When I was a prisoner of war in Hanoi for five and a half years, I wished I had the opportunity to get drunk!" There was a lengthy pause as reporters sought to understand what McCain was talking about. When asked about his running mate vomitting on his podium during the vice presidential debate, McCain abruptly left the room.

President McCain

After winning the election, John McCain celebrated at his victory speech by feigning a heart attack. There was a moment of "ooh"s and "ahh"s throughout the ballroom, but all turned to joyous laughter when the new president straightened up, smiling, and approached the microphone. There were hoots and hollers. McCain gave a thumbs-up and bellowed, "Shut yer stupid mouths!" The applause redoubled.

But scandal followed Shem Mountainson into the vice presidency when The Smoking Gun published photographs of him making out with his seventeen year old daughter. Tucker Carlson, Marv Albert and Bill O'Reilly leapt to his defense, but for a day there were even conservatives tsk tsking Shem's behavior. When it was revealed that he was making out with his seventeen year old step daughter, The Drudge Report posted an unflattering photograph of Camile Paglia on its home page with the heading: "Ya Burn!"

One of the first declarations John McCain made as president was that the nation's economy was "as strong as Henry Paulson's voice," and lustrous as his hairline. The markets reacted negatively, but with the inauguration over with, and George W. Bush and Dick Cheney having long ago cashed out their chips in the $700 billion bail-out of Wall Street, who gave a shit? No one. Dennis Miller proclaimed John McCain "America's funniest president."

Breaking with the convention of pardoning criminals upon departing from office, John McCain jailed David Letterman upon entering office. Letterman was placed in gen-pop at New Jersey's Rahway prison wearing a dress and make-up and a sign that read, "Ugly girl." When asked about this complete break with tradition, and about the violation of Mr. Letterman's rights, McCain Administration spokesman, Toby Keith, looked squarely into the press pool TV camera and drawled, "Shut yer stupid mouth!"

John McCain's appointees

After the death of Chief Justice John Roberts in a waterskiing accident, Judge Judy was made Chief Justice. John McCain attempted to pardon Chief Justice John Roberts, but it had to be explained to him that he could only pardon crimes, not actual physical death.

Ken Lay was made Treasury Secretary after he revealed that he had faked his death in order to avoid prosecution in the Enron scandal. John McCain quickly pardoned him and then gave him an awkward hug.

Penn and Teller were made Attorney and General for their many years of conservative devotion. Their first act upon taking the post was to make the Constitution and Bill of Rights actually disappear. For once in their careers, they did not reveal how the trick was done.

Bill O'Reilly was made Information Czar and given the chairmanship of the F.C.C.

Rush Limbaugh was made the Archbishop of Canterbury.

And blogger Andrew Sullivan was welcomed back into the conservative fold and appointed as President McCain's liaison to the gay community and made Secretary of Indian Affairs.

As a parting gift to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condeleeza Rice, Alberto Gonzales and, of course, Karl Rove, President McCain sent them on an all-expenses-paid trip to Camp David. There, an air-raid siren screamed in the middle of the first night and the group was whisked into the site's lead-lined bomb shelter -- and then the entire complex was filled with cement.

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The question must be asked: What's wrong with conservatives? They're on a sinking ship but only think, "Jeez, the water's getting closer. I can see my reflection even bett--"