Colombia Rebels Sorry for Priest Killings - Boys, shit happens. Since the Roman Catholic Church is by its very nature a terrorist organization with centuries of blood on its hands, and the innocence of millions of molested children on its non-existent conscience, I'm willing to sell you an indulgence to get you off the hook on this one.Hunter Thompson Ashes Set to Blast Off - Godspeed, you crazy fucker! I admire only a bit of your writing, and even less of your life, but hell, you were as authentic as they come, and you sure made a lot of straights nervous. I hope you're slamming them back in the Great Beyond with Arthur Guinness and Jimi Hendrix and Copernicus.
Israel moves to clear remaining Gaza settlements - "Israel" must be Hebrew for "can't win for losing." When I was admitted to hospital a few years ago for lifestyle related injuries, I made the mistake of listing my religion as Catholic, and paid the price by being visited by a "lay minister" as banal and transparent as a shower curtain. Next time I go to the Cutting House, I'm asking for a rabbi. You may not know how to run a country, but goddamn, your rabbis are intellectuals.
Original Einstein Manuscript Discovered - Being a biblio-fiend, I would give up a kidney and both feet to get a hold of this manuscript. It would go on my book shelf between Umberto Eco and T.S. Eliot.
Police who tailed shot Brazilian didn't think he was a threat: report - After seeing In the Name of the Father, my dad -- who is the most peaceful, Zenful person I know -- said to me, "Every British person should be made to watch that film, and then be hit in the mouth." England has yet to sufficiently investigate the Bloody Sunday atrocity of 1972. No wonder their pigeon-toed police aren't allowed to carry guns. They have a ways to go before they're riddling a man's body with 41 bullets while he reaches for his wallet, but this is definitely a step in that direction.
Pope Urges More Muslims to Fight Terror - The comedian Bill Hicks once said, while commenting on the FBI's bogus reasoning for massacring the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas in 1993: "The government's reason? 'Because children were being molested there.' Well, if that's your criteria, why don't I see any Bradlee fighting vehicles knocking down the front doors of Catholic churches?" And he was right. Pope Ratzenburger urges more muslims to fight terror. They should start with him.
Thousands may seek Vioxx damages - Take the fuckers down. I once heard a pharmaceutical company CEO on the radio "explaining" why drugs cost so much. He used as an example a drug his researchers worked on for a few years that was intended to stop the aging process. After years of research and $70 million invested in the project, it just didn't pan out. Uh, what kind of fucking idiot is spending that kind of money on such an assinine idea? That CEO shouldn't have been on the radio rationalizing why he would receive $100 million dollars a year in compensation and bonuses, he should either have been quarantined in a psych ward some where, or put on trial by his shareholders. Drug companies these days are doing business like Microsoft, except drug companies don't have FTP sites from which their users can download upgraded products. Both Microsoft and drug companies are releasing their products before they're finished, making their customers unpaid Quality Assurance engineers, finding the bugs. Problem with the drugs companies is they're killing people with this strategy.
Family visits Aziz in Iraq prison - I feel the same way about this crazy moron as I do about Hunter S. Thompson -- this guy's a nut, I'd never want to meet him, but I had more than a few laughs reading transcripts of him mutilating the English language while posturing before the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Ultimately, though, much as I was amused by this ass clown, I hope that he and every Baathist up to Sodom Hussein are shown the world from the perspective Benito Mussolini saw it in his final moments on the earth.
London police chief defends handling of shooting - "Yes, the man was brown-skinned and he was running in a public place. The stupid git was asking for it."
Secret film of Zimbabwe 'squalor' - Jesus Christ, himself, said, "The poor will be with you always." So, I guess we should just get used to them.
Memo to Drudge, et al: It's Not About Me, It's About the War - Matt Drudge and his fellow preCambrian Conservative Christians showed what big, patriotic men they are by assailing a grieving mother who lost her son in the Iraq war last year. Could someone please advise me on what version of the Bible these Conservative Cretins refer to? Does it contain a person named Jesus? Does it quote any of the things this person named Jesus is purported to have said? Just curious. I'm beginning to think these Christians are part of some bizarro offshoot of Christianity -- following Jesus' vengeful, acne-ravaged, club-footed younger brother, Jesse Christ. It's an easy mistake to make. Jesse was the one who went around beating up old, poor cripples, pregnant women, and who coined that most whimsical saying, "Shuddup!" whenever someone attempted to speak reasonably and peaceably to him.
Australian soldiers to undergo training to endure torture - Are they planning on being captured by American forces? Aren't the Australians and Americans fighting on the same side? Or, has another war broken out that I haven't yet heard about?
Miller Beer Holds 150th Anniversary Bash - Some of the fun events to be held at the "bash" include Wife Beating, Child Raping, Urinating in One's Trousers, Projectile Vomiting, Driving through the Land Mine Obstacle Course in a Pickup Truck, and Police Officer Wrestling. If shown on TV, this spectacular may pre-emp American Gladiators.
Muslim leaders 'in denial' claim - "Britain's most powerful Islamic body is 'in denial' about the prevalence of extreme views among its members, one of its founders has told the BBC." This is where Britain is scoring points with me -- by kicking these extremist mullahs the hell out of the country. Who the hell do these cave-dwelling sand phantoms think they are? They leave their caves, leave their sand, go to civilization, only to rail against it, preach violence against innocents, and plant the seeds of hate. OK, I realize by going to Britain it was merely a case of "birds of a feather flocking together," but finally someone in England has awakened and is doing what should be done around the world. Return preachers of hate and violence to the outhouse lands from which they first scurried.
Sunnis Complain of Being Cut Out of Talks - To quote Jesse Christ: "Shuddup!"
Mechanics strike but Northwest Air aloft - Airline executives are the untold story of corporate corruption in America. I've flown for business and never will I understand how the assholes who own the planes aren't making money (according to my copy of the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader: 16th Edition, Americans, alone, take 215 million business trips a year. This number, of course, doesn't include leisure trips). Well, actually, I do know -- they're as greedy as the devil himself let loose in a sorority house. All we ever hear in the news is how the working poor who actually make the airlines function being hit by pay cut after pay cut, all the while the boards of directors and the alphabet soup executives are looking after their precious golden parachutes. I think only pilots suffering from near incapacitating depression should be assigned to fly their corporate swine around the country, and demand that these execs sign some fair-minded contracts with the front line employees before the pilots agree to land the plane.
And that's the way it isn't on this Saturday, August 20th.
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