Now We Know Who the Faithful Are -- Dominik Diamond is Not Among Them

'God made me cancel my own crucifixion': "BRITISH broadcaster who travelled to the Philippines to be crucified on Good Friday for a television programme pulled out of the stunt in tears yesterday — and blamed God for his decision."

Dominik Diamond broke down and wept after watching nine Filipinos take their turn to be whipped and nailed on crosses and realising that his turn was next. “God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross,” he sobbed, sinking to his knees and praying as local people and tourists started to boo.

Many are called, few are chosen.

Easter 2006 saw that there were only nine Christians in the world -- the nine Filipinos who took their turns being whipped and nailed on crosses in the event known as Karabrio held in the village of Cutud, 50 miles (80km) north of Manila.

So, Dominik Diamond pussied-out of being crucified this weekend, and blamed God for it. It's this kind of lame, blatant misrepresentation that is killing God's image on earth. Yahweh, Jehovah, "I Am Who Am" is a blood and violence fetishist.

God the gambler -- whose idea of gameliness is asking Abraham to sacrifice his long-awaited son, and then pulling the rug out from underneath him at the near-to-last-second -- is interested in only one thing: playing "chicken" with humankind. Look at the Book of Job. Job was subjected to merciless psyops and cruel and unusual treatment by Yahweh at the mere suggestion of a wager by Satan. If I'm not mistaken in my reading of the Book of Job, God lost the bet (no doubt God appealed on the basis that laborious, agonized lamenting does not constitute faithlessness or rebuke). The God of Abraham is the God of Technicalities.

God even rolled the dice his own son, Jesus Christ, and came up snake-eyes. So it goes.

And God took a shot with creme puff Dominik Diamond and found yet another spineless, faithless idiot hiding behind the guise of "humility." God has no use for humility. Do you think the creator of the oceans, mountains, Sonia Aquino, or the stars and the moon is a modest personage? Alberta's Lake Louise, alone, is the work of a terminal show-off. And one does not appeal to such a personality with acts of humility, especially unmanly displays of weeping, and the wretched inaction of "prayer."

Don't misunderstand, Dominik Diamond began on the right track. Hosting a Channel 5 program titled Crucify Me was just the sort of arrogant genesis God could appreciate. It's just that sort of hollow bravado and misguided machismo that has caused God to bless George W. Bush's war in Iraq so heavily. And what spiritual journey has any validity if there is no camera crew recording it? Come on!

Diamond at least demonstrated a great understanding of God at the outset of his narcissistic project. But the whole thing was shitcanned when Diamond revealed himself to be a complete Christian fraud. Since when does God ask anyone not to shed blood? Never.

Oliver Cromwell never blanched like that. Nor did any Crusader or any rightwing neo-conservative worth his weight in gunpowder. God created the world as his own three-dimensional video game. And what is the object of any video game worth playing? To kill.

So, happy bloodless Easter Dominik Diamond. Hope your communion wafer on Sunday tastes like a Pop Tart and that you don't overeat afterward at your boiled and fried brunch. The God of Abraham, Noah, Sodom & Gomorrah, and Jerry FallWell and George W. Bush glares down at you from his velvet lounge in heaven like coach Bobby Knight giving the deathray to a senior missing two free throws. May your soul rest well in the quivering, jelly confines of your spaghetti spined body. Remember, the Son of Man comes like a thief in the night, and he doesn't like crybabies.