The New York Times recently published news of "[a]n academic study of the National Basketball Association, whose playoffs continue tonight, suggests that a racial bias found in other parts of American society has existed on the basketball court as well." The conclusion was that white referees are more apt to call black players for fouls, than white players.. . . Justin Wolfers, an assistant professor of business and public policy at Penn's Wharton School, and Joseph Price, a Cornell graduate student in economics, said the difference in calls "is large enough that the probability of a team winning is noticeably affected by the racial composition of the refereeing crew."After reading this article, I swung into action to correct this wretched injustice being perpetrated against these unwary steroidal millionaires. I have approached NBA commissioner David Stern (and have yet to officially hear back from him, but he will doubtless endorse and take up my ideas) about "refereeing reparations."
The study, conducted over a 13-season span through 2004, found that the racial makeup of a three-man officiating crew affected calls by up to 4½ percent. More...
The way these reparations will work is -- for the next five years (seasons) no fouls will be called against black NBA players. If a situation arises where one black player appears to foul another black player (according to the racist rules of the game before the reparation seasons), a tribunal made up of delegates from African nations at the U.N. and former black NBA players will render real-time decisions from New York.
Where reparations refereeing really gets down to correcting past injustices is the reevaluation all previous championships. The number of fouls assigned to black players will be brought into balance with the number of fouls attributed to white players. To make amends for the years of wrongs, all fouled black players will be given an additional free-throw. Because it's impossible to travel back in time, their free-throw averages will be used to calculate how many of those additional free-throws they would have made, and all game scores will be adjusted accordingly.
A bank of 300 Rancour 1188 Quintuple Core computers has been working on this job of recalculating the actual scores of these past seasons. Most importantly, all past championships will be awarded to their proper winners (purists might be somewhat put out to find teams assigned championships in years before they formally existed, and other teams being awarded championships after they ceased to exist. If we're going to right a wrong, the purists are just going to have to live with this):
1946–47 Philadelphia
1947–48 Baltimore
1948–49 Minneapolis
1949–50 Minneapolis
1950–51 Rochester
1951–52 Minneapolis
1952–53 Minneapolis
1953–54 Minneapolis
1954–55 Syracuse
1955–56 Philadelphia
1956–57 Detroit
1957–58 St. Louis
1958–59 Detroit
1959–60 Detroit
1960–61 Detroit
1961–62 Detroit
1962–63 Detroit
1963–64 Detroit
1964–65 Detroit
1965–66 Detroit
1966–67 Philadelphia
1967–68 Detroit
1968–69 Detroit
1969–70 New York
1970–71 Milwaukee
1971–72 Baltimore
1972–73 New York
1973–74 Detroit
1974–75 Golden State
1975–76 Detroit
1976–77 Portland
1977–78 Washington
1978–79 Seattle
1979–80 Baltimore
1980–81 Detroit
1981–82 Baltimore
1982–83 Philadelphia
1983–84 Detroit
1984–85 Baltimore
1985–86 Detroit
1986–87 Baltimore
1987–88 Baltimore
1988–89 Detroit
1989–90 Detroit
1990–91 Chicago
1991–92 Chicago
1992–93 Chicago
1993–94 Houston
1994–95 Houston
1995–96 Chicago
1996–97 Chicago
1997–98 Chicago
1998–99 Detroit
1999-2000 Baltimore
2000-01 Baltimore
2001-02 Baltimore
2002-03 Detroit
It's my hope that the NBA will soon sit down with Paul Wolfowitz of the World Bank to begin negotiating the massive transfer of championship bonuses and championship rings to their rightful recipients. We cannot pick and choose who deserves justice in this world. Steroidal millionaires are just as worthy of our sympathy and proactive problem-solving as the residents or refugees of any impoverished nation.
