Terrorist Ice! D.C. Crackdown on frozen menace!

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates suffered a fractured shoulder after slipping on ice Tuesday night at his Washington home, the Pentagon said.

Gates, 64, didn't seek treatment until Wednesday morning when he checked into Walter Reed Army Medical Center, said Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell.

"I think he's in a lot of pain," Morrell said.

A dragnet has been thrown across Washington, D.C., to capture the frozen-hearted terrorist menace that felled Defense Secretary Robert Gates. Ice of all shapes, hues, textures, density and location are being rounded up in an unprecedented coordinated effort between the D.C. Parks Department and Department of Homeland Security.

"We will not rest until every inch of this terrorist has been scraped from every surface in the city," a visibly shaken Michael Chertoff said. "A full, behind-closed-doors investigation will be conducted by a newly created arm of the FBI. The new agency will be known as the 'FBI' -- Frozen Bureau of Investigation."

George W. Bush commented, "We wouldn't have this, uh, problem, if the, uh, cap-- cap-- if Warshington D.D. was in Texas."

As of this post, four tons of area ice is already on its way to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for what officials describe as "hostile interrogation."

Attorney General Michael Mukasey wouldn't comment on the legality of waterboarding the ice, but would only say, "Like all Americans, I find the idea of slipping on ice abhorrent and repugnant." Then he signed an order that all telephones in hockey rinks and appliance stores across the nation be tapped in order to cordone off this heatless menace.