Hi, I'm Matthew McConaughey, the Richard Gere of my acting generation. Sure, I was awesome in Dazed & Confused, but that was a long time ago and just one of those things we call flukes. Since then, I've let my douche-flag fly in such hits -- all of which have afforded me numerous opportunities to take off my shirt -- as Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Fool's Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and a stack of others arranged for me by Celebrity Welfare Services of Burbank, California.
That's why I'm here to tell you about Cyanide Certified DVDs and their Shill Edition series of my movies. Each Cyanide Certified DVD comes with a genuine cyanide caplet that's guaranteed to kill within five minutes of swallowing. My movies aren't for everyone -- at least for anyone who has a penis, any connection to reality, or taste, or has not recently suffered a brain injury, or ever seen films outside of the North Korean film industry -- so Cyanide Certified DVDs and I want to give you that much-needed "out" when you're faced with having to watching one of my movies.
Just because I'm only in it for the money, doesn't mean you are.
So, the next time your loved one recommends watching one of my movies, make sure it's a Cyanide Certified DVD from the Shill Edition series. Your life depends on it.