Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The New Chrysler DNA

DETROIT - Chrysler CEO, Robert Nardelli, announced a bold new direction for the embattled auto maker.

"Since Chrysler is unable to compete in the marketplace on style, mileage or price," Nardelli said to the capacity audience at the news conference, "Chrysler is going to lead the way in auto security."

Behind Nardelli, a shrouded posterboard was uncovered.

"Introducing the Chrysler DNA," Nardelli boomed with pride. "It's a keyless car with a difference. The doors and trunk are opened with a thumb print scan -- the thumb prints of up to three different drivers can be entered into the DNA's system.

"And once inside the car, the ignition can only be engaged once the driver provides a DNA sample."

Gasps rippled through the gallery.

"Merging Diabetic finger-prick technology with Chrysler's proprietary navigation satellite system, and the efficiency of Chrysler Labs, only the verified DNA of up to three different drivers will start the car. Auto theft will soon be the stuff of distant memory."

A hand-out provided to journalists explained that giving a DNA sample was a simple, painless process, placing one's finger of choice on the steering column where the ignition key goes in other cars. Chrysler Labs receives details of the sample via satellite, and verifies the driver's identity within three hours. Once that occurs, the car starts --

"And from there," Robert Nardelli said, concluding his personal introduction of the Chrysler DNA, "the world is your oyster. Thank you."

After years of failure at the helm of Chrysler, industry insiders say that Robert Nardelli is hoping to pin his legacy on the new DNA.

It wasn't long, however, after the announcement to the press that bloggers and industry analysts began raising doubts about how the Chrysler DNA's safety features will affect its entry into the car rental market.

Chrysler had no immediate response.

As for the three-hour delay between a driver giving a DNA sample and the vehicle actually starting, a Chrysler spokesman said that based upon Chrysler's offerings in the past, "consumers have proven they can get used to anything."

He then added, "In the age of underwear bombers and H1N1, who's not willing to sacrifice a little convenience for a lot more security?"


Anonymous said...

Will the gangsters that purchased a 300C want to give up there DNA to own another chrsyler...

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

I can't see that happening.