Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Who will fight America's wrong-headed wars of the future?

ITWire came out with some startling news:
On Tuesday, April, 20, 2010 . . . retired military leaders, along with U.S. Senator Richard Lugar (Rep.-Indiana) and U.S. Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, released new findings on the dramatic increase of obesity among young adults age 17 to 24 years and its negative consequences towards U.S. national security.
If this is true, who will fight America's wrong-headed wars of the future?

Because American foreign policy is predicated on irresponsible foreign adventures that often turn into quagmires -- all taking place in hot, inhospitable regions -- these bulging waistlines are dangerously shrinking the ranks of the expendable.

Isn't there a way to make a fat kid useful in combat? Tell him Pizza Hut is on the other side of the hill you're trying to take? Or, that the enemy ran off with their cache of Twinkies?

Sure, Taco Bell and 7/Eleven, among many other fast food and junk food purveyors are doing their part to make their products available to their consumers, even overseas in war zones, but is it enough?

A few ideas on how make use of a chunkier, though less robust, fighting force:
  • Use golf carts more often for ground patrols

  • Rolling suitcases filled with gear, rather than heavy backpacks

  • More frequent rest breaks during fire fights

  • More sensitivity to food allergies

  • Less yelling from commanding officers (embarrassment and stress leads to anxious over consumption of comfort foods)

  • More conflicts on US soil so that soldiers can go home after a day's fighting

  • Give Dockers the contract for making US military uniforms -- no one knows fat people like Dockers!

  • Heavier reliance on drone attacks, and other forms of battle that allow combatants to sit
Since avoiding war isn't in the cards, the braintrust at the Defense Department had better figure how to conduct more fat-friendly missions. Otherwise, the ranks will be keeling over from the heat and exertion before those brave generals can even get them into harm's way. Sign up today!

1 comment:

Lieutenant Cinnamon said...

Brilliant! Especially the part with the rolling suitcases and less yelling which would cause over-consumption of comfort foods. All wonderful ideas for the insulin dependent US Army Corps. I would also suggest pocket size defibrillators JIC situations. Just in case.