GOP, you're doing it wrong

Georgia state Rep. Bobby Franklin is making headlines with his proposed "uterus police" idea.

According to Daily Kos, Rep. Franklin wants his uterus police "to investigate miscarriages, and [require] that any time a miscarriage occurs, whether in a hospital or without medical assistance, it must be reported and a fetal death certificate issued. If the cause of death is unknown, it must be investigated. If the woman can't tell how it happened, [then] those Uterus Police can ask family members and friends how it happened. Hospitals are required to keep records of anyone who has a spontaneous abortion and report it."

Outrageous as this idea sounds, it pales in comparison to the plan outlined by Alberta conservative MP, Harper Watson (who bears a striking resemblance to American televangelist, Pat Robertson).

MP Harper Watson's plan would have girls' uteri removed by the Crown -- what the "State" is called in Canada -- and stored in a secured facility until the girls reached the age of 21. The uteri would be reimplanted only after the girls signed complex, lengthy legal documents swearing never to have abortions under penalty of law.

High-tech tracking mechanisms will be implanted in these uteri so that their use can be monitored after they are placed back inside the girls:

GPS will monitor girls' whereabouts at all times.

Tiny microphones will record conversations -- to be later used at abortion trials; the uterus contracts abrogate doctor/patient confidentiality.

And sens-o-rama technology in the stored uteri will determine how the vagina connected to the uterus is being used. It gauges frequency of sexual relations, provide snapshots of sneak-thief penises that gain ingress into the vagina, determine whether the uterus hostess masturbates or if she engages in any non-Western sexual practices.

"It just makes sense," says MP Harper Watson outside of the Blood on the Spur Evangelical Church & Rodeo Grounds. "We're a civilized society and we simply want to look after our young women."

Women's groups have gone apoplectic over the proposed measures and at this time have actually lost the power of speech, so great is their outrage.

Environmental and hacker activist groups are stepping in to help the feminists regain their capacity to speak.

As with most Conservative Party of Canada laws, initiatives and pronouncements, its Uterus Storage and Safety Act has been completely hidden from the public; only these few details have been leaked at this point.

Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, is said to be particularly enchanted with the U.S.S. Act.