We just receive email, but there's nobody here to reply

Billboards showing a message that read "Judgment Day is Coming May 21, 2011" began showing up in my city a couple of months ago.

The only indication as to who was behind these signs is a single Web address: FamilyRadio.org.

So, knowing that judgment day is not not coming on May 21st, I wrote to FamilyRadio.org asking if they had a "back up" for when May 22nd arrives without incident.

Strangely, the techs FamilyRadio.org has replying to their email are as clueless as zoologists at a Spam canned meat convention.

That's what you get for homeschooling children in Creationism, I guess.

When I suggested in a follow-up email that someone at FamilyRadio.org should be prepared for questions about these provocative billboards, I received the following message:

Not all staff members at Family Radio are Bible teachers. Our Internet staff is only required to posses technical skills to assist the organization's teaching staff in broadcasting their doctrines. I'm not sure what your point is. Please clarify.

Another graduate from Jesus who majored in Obtusity & Non-Linear Non-Problemsolving.

So, I replied:

I am disappointed that you can't help me with my question.

It's probably safe to assume that you cannot help me with my next query: How do I donate money to FamilyRadio.org?

You see, I'm already independently wealthy and a stock tip given to me by Dick Cheney -- there's an outfit in Bahrain manufacturing torture devices; they're like the Google of thumb-prisons, ball-gags and nipple shockers -- really paid out.

I invested on a lark, but recently earned $14,749,224.71 from my shares. It's "found money" to me, so I was looking for a place to donate it.

Since the Internet staff works in isolation and has no access to any other FamilyRadio.org staff -- to answer questions about its billboards -- I guess the Internet staff also has no contact with the accounting department or funding raising personnel.

No problem.

Scientology has always been very responsive. I believe I will make my donation to them.

Thank you,
Whetam Gnauckweirst

If you're going to put a billboard in my city telling everybody that "judgment day" is coming on a specific date, you better gawddamned good and ready to answer questions about it, or else you may also miss out on having $14 million donated to your cause.