Donald Rumsfeld's Autobiography

Noted war criminal Donald Rumsfeld has published his long-awaited autobiography in which he dodges -- with the docile, lithe flexibility of a teenager or career liar -- any and all responsibility for his actions in government.

It's official: Dick Cheney has no pulse

From Newser.com: "Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse. But he is still alive, [no] thanks to the mechanical heart pump he received in July. . . . It helps to push blood through his arteries continuously, rather than on a beat (hence the lack of a pulse)".

The heart pump is said to be a good complement to the garbage bag filled with hob-goblins, which has served as Cheney's "soul" during his time on earth.

As for his brain?

"I can't comment on that," says Mrs. Cheney. "But I can tell you that his trigger finger is as steady as the day I married monst-- man."