"C.E.O." stands for CHEAT EVERY ONE

They lurk in shadows and worship moonless nights. They enjoy biting into the soft spots on the top of babies heads. They seek to suck the marrow from your very soul.

Who are these monsters?

C.E.O.s of companies. All companies. Every company.

Nortel. Enron. Global Crossing. Tyco. Athur Anderssen. Hewlett-Packard. Ford Motor Company. Halliburton. Kellogg, Brown & Root. More companies. Other companies. All companies.

They are vampiric necrophiliac graverobbing swine.

For instance, wouldn't running an airline seem like a relatively profitable business? Yet we read in the news all the time how the industry needs to be bailed out by the government once each quarter. Every bottom rung employee in the industry is hit time after time with wage cuts. Where the hell is all this money going?

Into the vagina-mysterious pockets of C.E.O.'s silk trousers.

You know the C.E.O.s -- the soulless swine who believe that nicotine is not addictive. Who tell the public that investing in the stock market is the only way to "get ahead." That relocating tens of thousands of jobs to India, China, Mexico, etc., is beneficial for the North American economy.

C.E.O. stands for "Cheat Every One." They are not under oath. They speak only their heart's truth -- which is a cavernous lie. They are possessed of greed and gluttony that would embarrass Satan himself.

DaimlerChrysler wants $300 million to build a paint shop in Windsor, Ontario. Why the hell doesn't DC pay for that itself? Because, being the responsible, loving, patriarchal example for good and clean living, DaimlerChrysler will shop around until it finds a community that will foot the bill for its facility. I've heard people put a positive spin on this way of doing business. I can't seem to remember how it goes.

As Ford Canada quietly relocated a number of its Toronto customer service jobs to Florida, all I can do is quote Samuel L. Jackson from the movie Jackie Brown, "Bully for that nigger."

My question is -- when C.E.O.s have finally succeeded in laying off the entire North American economy, forcing everyone to become a McJob holding Wal-Mart wage slave, who the fuck will be able to afford your products? Are former Ford employees going to buy Fords? Are Hewlett-Packard employees who have been screwed around by HP going to buy HP products? Are people with no jobs, or poverty-level waged jobs, going to be able to afford anything?

Maybe when that time comes, the corporations will begin importing consumers.

C.E.O.s -- may you pierce a testicle sitting on your golden billfolds.

Ann Coulter, Vaginal Teeth & a Hearty "Fuck You!" From This Canadian

Ann Coulter says that Canada ought to "watch its step" or else America may well decide to invade and civilize us. Canada did not and does not support the American invasion of Iraq. As a free and sovereign nation, living next to the most "freedom loving" nation in the cosmos, this is our right. However, as the America we all once knew merges into Ann Coulter's America, all anyone has the right to do is agree with the U.S. Ann Coulter is saying to us, "When I want your opinion, I'll pull my dick out of your mouth."

What Ann Coulter, and the blood red states of America, don't seem to understand is that the power, the juice, the shine of their bullshit is waning quickly. Ask the British empire how well it worked out ruling the world at the tip of a sword and the barrel of a gun.

Ann Coulter is America. She powders herself up for TV appearances, she engages in verbal foreplay that's as seductive and arousing as an episode of American Gladiators. All she wants is for you to put your head on her shoulder, and accept her embrace. As America, in its infinite inferiority complex, wants to be loved, loved, goddamn it, loved! by everyone in the world, Ann Coulter is going to persuade you to her way of thinking if she's got to cut your head off, shove her hand up your neck, and force you to express words of agreement. However, once those legs open, the vaginal teeth sink home. And there is no escape.

But out here in the air, out here beyond Ann Coulter's vampire bat radar squealing, we know. America has not endeared itself by rushing into a wrongheaded war following an insultingly weak attempt at "diplomacy," premised on lies -- Christ, the CIA ought to be paying me, I knew there were no WMDs in Iraq -- leading the charge with embarrassing John Wayne platitudes about "democracy" and "patriotism" and "freedom", and then turn around and chastise everyone who did not follow (which is most of the world) because it's not going well.

We also know that:

George W. Bush is a liar.

Dick Cheney is a liar.

Donald Rumsfeld is a liar.

John Ashcroft is a liar.

Tom Ridge is a liar.

Colin Powell is a liar.

Condoleezza Rice is a liar.

Richard Perle is a liar.

Paul Wolfowitz is a liar.

Douglas Feith is a liar.

The Iraq war as we are now seeing it has been planned since 1997. Upon taking office in 2001, George W. Bush asked his staff to find him a pretext for invading Iraq. He only had to wait nine months for enough people in US intelligence, military, and government to look the other way in order for the attacks on the World Trade Center buildings, Pentagon, and that doomed flight over Pennsylvania to take place. An attack on the scale of Pearl Harbor had been achieved, as outlined in Zbigniew Brzezinsk's book The Grand Chessboard, so that the Patriot Act could be taken off the shelf, and the undoing of American freedoms could begin.

There are no Paul Revere's in the American media shouting about what's happening there. There are voices in the wilderness, but they are uniformly labeled "conspiracy theorists." Since conspiracies do not occur in the U.S. (just ask John and Robert Kennedy), conspiracy theorists may as well be disciples of the Easter bunny or tooth fairy.

However, there is Ann Coulter, vaginal teeth and all. She is here to frighten us. and Time magazine, an empire reduced to a ghetto, is happy to feature her. Good for them. Good for her.

May the Next Pope be as Fiery and Dogmatic as the Last Pope

A recap of Pope John Paul II's social conscience highlights:

Today Pope John Paul II lashed out against world wide poverty and starvation:

"People should help people."

Today Pope John Paul II condemned world wide violence:

"People should be nice to people."

This morning during his Eucharist homily Pope John Paul II offered a scathing rebuke to munitions makers profiting from world wide wars:

"People should share with people."

This afternoon during his weekly radio address Pope John Paul II had harsh words for those violently expropriating land in various African nations:

"People should not steal from people, and hurt them."

Today during his weekly address to the citizens of Vatican City Pope John Paul II verbally immolated those engaged in pornography:

"People should not take pictures of naked people."

At his monthly conference with cardinals Pope John Paul II made a blistering attack on gangsta rappers:

"People should not sing about putting 'caps' in the asses of people."

During his bi-annual conference with bishops Pope John Paul II offered unprecedented criticism of makers of carbonated drinks:

"People should not make drinks that make people belch."

During "An Audience with the Pope," in which Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter, His Holiness made a bombastic declaration regarding the debate about raising NBA hoops from their current regulation height of ten feet, to a height of twelve or fourteen feet.

"People should not change rules engraved in stone by other people."

On the anniversary of the Holy Mother's visitation at Fatima, Pope John Paul II spoke out about the years-old mugging of American journalist Dan Rather, and his assailant's bizarre utterance, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

"People should not utter nonsense while robbing people."

While in Kerry, Ireland visiting the shrine of the Holy Stone of Clonrickett, Pope John Paul II orally eviscerated contemporary pop music, particularly "boy bands" and "too-sexy pop divas":

"People should listen to the Beatles."

Subway Please Don't Cut My Sandwich - Your Knife is the Height of Skank

The last time I allowed my sandwich at Subway to be cut in half by the counter person was in 1997. That day I was having a meatball sub. When I got to work, where I settled in to eat my sandwich, I saw that the counter person's knife had left a residue of mustard, tuna, and god only knows what else on my pristine meatball sub. It was disgusting.

Sure, Subway provides a rag on which its sandwich artists wipe their knives after cutting our sandwiches. This is hardly an answer. That rag is the height of skank, too, goddamn it!

For all the show the food industry makes of its employees wearing hairnets, rubber gloves, plastic gloves (the Cracker Barrell bio-hazard suits on the kitchen staff are my personal favorite -- are they wearing those to be protected from what goes into the food or are these people so diseased this is the only way to shield the food from the contaminated, though cheap, help?), I cannot believe that someone hasn't yet solved the Subway Knife Conundrum.

Aside from having a bin of disposable plastic knives under the counter -- one knife used to cut one sandwich, then discarded, or sterilized in some way -- I don't see how I'll ever have a sandwich cut by a Subway sandwich artist ever again. This problem has definitely had an impact on my visits to Subway.

I did, however, go there today. Just as the counter person moved to cut my sandwich, I stopped her. But she managed to use that fucking awful knife to further jam the contents of my sandwich within the bread. I began to explain my problem with her knife, but it was lost on her. I'm just another guy, with another complaint, in a world of sandwiches.

Terri Schiavo - the untold story

The part of Terri Schiavo's story that nobody is talking about is what led to her being in that persistent vegetative state. The media reports that she had suffered cardiac arrest, but the part of the story being ignored is that bulimia caused that cardiac arrest.

Since the airwaves have been commandeered by hypocrites -- all of these rightwing warmongers-turned-Culture-of-Life advocates picking and choosing who falls within their Culture of Life, and who does not (hint, white Christian Americans need only apply) -- the more important story of what led to Terri Schiavo's horrific final state has gone untold.

Existing alongside this precious Culture of Life is the Culture of Youth and the Culture of Beauty, which has more young girls (young guys destroy themselves quite handily in other ways) "purging" themselves into peril so that they can look like the airbrushed images on the covers of magazines. Not even the women on these covers look as they appear on these covers. They exist in that glossy form by only one means -- photo manipulation.

The comedian George Carlin says this about anorexia nervosa: "Rich cunt don't wanna eat? Fuck her." That's one way of looking at it. With the staggering numbers of people starving around the world, it's hard to find any tingle of genuine sympathy for those who eat enviable meals, only to puke them back up.

But if Terri Schiavo's tragic story is going to have any lasting positive effect -- more than a mini-OJ trial among the lazy, goat-herd media -- the fact that bulimia led to dying while still living must be acknowledged. The footage of Terri in the hospital with her father, and that horrific groan escaping her -- that Culture-of-Lifers point to as evidence that Terri would be about writing symphonies, nursing children, and roller skating if only she got a little physical therapy -- ought to be shown to high school health classes around North America, with the unambiguous message: This is where bulimia can lead.

None of this is meant to sound like one dot of negativity directed at poor Terri Schiavo. She should have been allowed to die with dignity years ago. The fact that she became more of a pet to her parents than a daughter, over time, is not her fault. Nor is the fact that her case became grotesque political fodder for the necrophiliac vampires who run the United States of America. One look at her picture, from when she was healthy and smiling, tells me she was probably a very good person, fun, someone we all would have liked as a friend. That's what made her ordeal in the hospital, the courts, and the sidewalk out front of the hospice so unbearable.