Stop pansy-assing around! Deregulate everything Now!

Once and for all, I want the government to get off my back! The one thing that will revive this narcoleptic economy is deregulation. We have far too many rules to live by and it's stifling innovation, commerce and growth. It's impeding freedom. It's poisoning democracy. It's turning humanity into so many lab mice.

The first and most important deregulation that must -- not should, but must -- be instituted is the eradication of all traffic laws. We've been following these laws -- intersection traffic signals, Stop signs, yellow lines, white lines, dotted lines -- for generations although they outlived their usefulness long ago. They are throwbacks to an overbearing, patriarchal age. What could be more of an affront to human dignity than a Do Not Enter sign? Or, this arcane business of driving on the right-hand side of the road? It's quaint, sepia-toned bullshit.

"Well, we have traffic laws to keep people safe!" squeaks the bureaucrat whose job it is to ensure all traffic fines are paid.

Safe? If someone is stupid enough to step out into a busy street, in front of a speeding car, maybe they don't deserve to be safe. We cannot legislate away death.

Traffic is a natural, self-correcting system.

Moreover, vehicles keep people safe, not laws. Deregulating traffic laws will finally get every vehicle under the weight of 6,000 lbs off the road. We need bigger, more heavily fortified vehicles. And once we get hydrogen fuel hammered out, it'll cost next to nothing to drive an eight-wheeled Hummer Steroid Hefty Edition.

Also, more people are killed each year by drivers running yellow and red lights, than any other traffic scenario. Intersection traffic signals are merely a red cape flashed before the bull in every motorist, challenging and tempting them to beat it.

"What about school zones?" wheezes the weak-kneed bureaucrat. "We've got to keep the children safe!"

More children than ever are driven to and picked up from school in motor vehicles, whether they be buses or cars. Nobody walks anymore, and it's a good thing. Walking is another ridiculous, outmoded memory of the past that serves to crush the future.

And I think it's time to speak frankly on the matter of children: once a fetus has successfully avoided abortion during its nine months in the womb, it's on its own. What are we supposed to do? Coddle people from cradle to grave?

No.

So, I propose that all traffic laws governing city and highway traffic be abolished. Will this lead to some car wrecks? Certainly, but traffic is a self-correcting, self-regulating system. Once we get the spaghetti-spined, heads-up-their-asses motorists off the roads, true freedom and innovation and commerce can finally be achieved. We cannot constrain and strangle our potential any longer like a child immobilized by a seat belt. We need to put the roof down, kick into fifth gear, lay on the horn, and speed the wrong way down that one way street called Progress.

Do Not Enter? You'll have to pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead hands.