Saturday, January 29, 2011

Canadian Catholic Bishops Lecture World on "misuse of sex" with utter lack of irony


The nefarious coven of gargoyles known as the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops emerged from its anonymous cave in Tora Bora, Canada this week to release another archaic warning to the world.

The bishops sought in this latest communique to lecture the world about the "misuse of sex".

Seeming to have no knowledge of the decades-long clergy sex abuse scandal, or possessing absolutely no sense of irony, this gaggle of pedophiles felt it was time to caution married couples in the world to "not get too focused on sexual acts other than intercourse" and cautioning married couples about the "potential misuse of sex that ignore God’s intentions."

Social scientists and Culture Studies experts have been called together to analyze this communique for any subtle traces of irony, sarcasm or self-deprecation.

"We're delving into the message," says Dr. Mort Clemgarden, noted social scientist from the University of Ottawa, "looking for a deeper message. Surely, the Canadian Conference of Biships wouldn't be so PR tone deaf and utterly insensitive to the church's own cataclysmic sex scandal to then issue a decree cautioning others not to 'misuse sex.' We've yet to encounter a human specimen possessing hypocrisy that rich and opaque and impenetrable. We've come close in Parliament. Studies are ongoing."

Of particular interest to the academics is the pastoral letter's intended audience: married couples.

"Since bishops are, themselves, unmarried, it seems especially preposterous that they would dictate lifestyle guidelines to those who are," says Sheila Penworthy, doctor of Culture Studies at Dalhousie University. "I mean, what group would be so clownish and unsophisticated . . ." She appeared, then, to struggle for words. "I mean, who . . . Nobody could be so stupid . . ."

According to an article in arch conversative rag, The National Post: "Hille Haker, a professor of moral theology at Loyola University in Chicago, said she is worried that the advice to married couples is a reflection of more conservative sexual attitudes that pre-date the reforms of Vatican II."

Reseachers say that Hille Haker need not worry, chiefly because nobody cares what this coven of gargoyles has to say on any subject.

It was the mere, crystalline example of blinding hypocrisy that brought these academics together. Some are jokingly calling this pastoral letter "The Miracle of the Faux Pas."

It will be some time before scholars truly make sense of the pastoral letter, though some experts from the Calgary Rodeo Clown College are expected to bring specialized insights.

"The way you approach something of such seeming idiocy is to take none of its words literally," says Dr. Stev Duchowsky, Doctor of Science Fiction from UBC. "There must be a clever message buried within these banal, mistimed mutterings. The most obvious message can't be the message. If it were so, the whole world would be laughing at these shitheads."

Correspondents were sent to Tora Bora, Canada, in search of the undisclosed cave in which the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops are holed-up.

So far, no trace of the coven of Catholic gargoyles has been found, though in certain stretches and passes, there has been detected the distinct odor of sulfur -- or, possibly that of exotic sexual jellies and edible genital pastes.

1 comment:

MeetMeInTheRectory9 said...

You had me hooked on this entry until I got to the genital paste part!