Death of Beached Whale Ignites Cries for More Training

After Reggie the Sperm Whale tragically died on Redcar beach in northern England today, environmentalists announced they would undertake a training program to teach beached whales how to roll back to the water.

Hundreds of curious onlookers flocked to the beach to see the stranded 40 foot long whale. Local fire and rescue personnel plied Reggie with water, as resident logistical experts struggled to formulate a plan for returning the whale to the North Sea.

"How many more lives have to be lost before whale rolling becomes a priority?" lamented activist Sky Greenfog.

Not only was Reggie the Sperm Whale beached, but apparently lost, as whales of his type are not usually found in North Sea waters.

"Teaching whales how to roll back to the water is paramount," Greenfog said, "but we'll also need to initiate a program of teaching whales better navigation skills so others don't become lost like Reggie apparently did."

Environmental activists in the area, and around the world where news of Reggie's demise has hit hard, plan to raise funds for these training programs by conducting a series of hunger strikes.

When asked how hunger strikes would raise funds, Greenfog shook his head and said, "You just don't get it."