Gallup Report reveals "composite" American politician and Cantor and Boehner reveal strategy for America

A long lost report about the public's perception of politicians, compiled by the Gallup Organization, has been unearthed.

Dating from the 1980 presidential campaign, thousands of Americans answered questions about how they perceived politicians.

What makes this study unique is that the data were fed into a supercomputer and the findings outputted as a composite image (displayed at top right) of what the report calls "the perennial American politician -- all bluster, no substance, will say and do anything to get elected, particularly taking part in embarrassing photo-ops at fast food restaurants, serving customers, wearing a paper; pandering, promising, placating, posturing."

The most amazing part of this unconventional method for producing findings is that the composite American politician is a dead ringer for GOP presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, from Massachusetts.

"The resemblance is uncanny," says Cliff Garson, Romney's campaign manager. "Although in substance, Mitt Romney is the polar opposite, as he stands for common Americans who revile affordable health care, who believe we keep America strong by exporting jobs to Asia and buttress a lagging economy by redefining the word 'rape'."

Romney -- known for appearing at all times as though he'd just been yelled at by the ghost of some dead, senior relative -- had no comment.

In other political news, Reps. Eric Cantor and John Boehner continue on their two-man crusade to wipe the smiles off the faces of each and every American.

"There are a surprising number of optimistic people in this country," Cantor said at a recent press event. "Which is surprising in this very grim political and economic climate. Frankly, I'm not sure what more we can do to make ordinary Americans miserable. I guess we'll just have to stay the course and remain vigilant."

"My father once told me," said a watery-eyed John Boehner at the same event. "'A friend in need is a friend indeed.' So, we're committed to making as many Americans as needy as possible before the next election. We're going to need those friends in the voting booths." At which point Boehner went into a crying jag. His tears were said to give off a faint scent of vermouth.