After CIA contractor Raymond Davis was sprung from a Pakistani prison in 2010 when $2.3 million of US taxpayers' money was paid to the families of two men he murdered, Davis returned to America and recently demonstrated how he's making use of his new lease on life: punching out a middle-aged man in a bagel shop parking lot over a parking space.
The incident took place in Colorado. Davis has been charged with third-degree assault and disorderly conduct.
In response to this trouble contractor once again finding himself in trouble, the CIA and US government are prepared to grant him free parking for the rest of his life in the continental United States.
"We acknowledge that the parking space over which Raymond Davis punched a mildde-aged civilian was a free parking space," said a CIA spokesperson in a press conference, "so we're not only granting Davis free parking for life, but dibs on all unmetered parking spaces he may desire. We ask for the help of the American people with this matter. We're at war in three and a half countries and this is a time for shared sacrifice. So, starting on October 3, 2011, if Raymond Davis wants your parking space, give it to him."
Davis was not available for comment, but a pedestrian walking past the headquarters of Davis' security company, Hyperion Protective Consultants, responded to questions about the situation by saying, "I think it's a pile of shit. Dibs for life on parking spaces. Barak Obama has destroyed this country."