WHO Releases New Report: "Human Beings Found Not to Be Cost-Effective"

The World Health Organization released a report today that may help clarify the health care debate currently raging in the United States of America.

A hush-hush, decades-long study performed by the WHO has found that human beings are not cost-effective.

Lead researcher, Dr. Fritz Hangemann expanded upon the findings: "Human beings need food, shelter, hydration, psychological stimulation, sexual gratification. The study's findings bear out our worst fears: that human beings just take, take, take and have very little to offer in return."

A drastically different interpretation of the study's findings is put forth by Gloria Allright, of the Human Beings Are Just Great Coalition, "This cost-effectiveness model is ludicrous! Human beings are terrific and any findings to the contrary are specious, spurious and frankly, bullshit."

The study's findings are broken into categories, showing that some segments of human beings are, actually, more cost-effective than others.

"For instance," says Dr. Hangemann, "coffee shop wait staff are enormously cost-effective. They give much more than they take. Some auto mechanics, data processing personnel, prostitutes, exotic dancers and brewmasters."

Topping the list of least cost-effective human beings.

"Corporate executives and politicians, with a bullet," Dr. Hangemann says. "Followed by bureaucrats, middle-management personnel of almost any corporation, news media, corporate consultants."

What will be done with these findings?

"Oh, they'll probably be buried."

Why?

"Because topping their very own list," Gloria Allright says with more than a hint of derision, "of least cost-effective people are the sorts of researchers who compile these studies."