Available starting on Ash Wednesday, this update "is . . . a new way to look at an old love," says Mary Sperry, an oversees Bible licensing facilitator. "We really believe this will reinvigorate religious belief among our young people!"
As the updated Jesus would say, "Oh, it so will!"
Some of the updates bible readers can look forward to include:
Adam and Eve no longer dwell in the "Garden" of Eden, it's now the Cafe of Eden, reflecting the more metropolitan lifestyles of contemporary readers of scripture.
When Cain murders his brother, Abel -- the bible's first murder -- the act is no longer described as "Cain slew Abel." It now reads: "Cain killed Abel's ass dead."
"Booty," which has come to have a sexual connotation, was changed to "spoils of war;" and "cereal," which many think of as breakfast food, became "grain" to reference loads of wheat.
The story of the prophet Ezekiel is enhanced by omitting the description of the chariot that swept him into heaven as "flaming." That phraseology was seen as promoting homosexuality. Ezekiel now rides a "pimped out" chariot into heaven.
Some of the more difficult names in the bible have also been updated for ease of reading.
- Holofernes is now known as "Mo"
- Nebuchadnezzar is now known as "Def Jac"
- King Herod is now known as "Fatso"
- And in a move that's bound to raise some eyebrows, Satan is now known as "The Muslim"
The number of plagues that occur in the bible have been reduced.
The figure, Job -- the story of whose suffering has inspired people for millennia -- is no longer a landowner, but an environmentalist, so when The Muslim destroys his health, his crops, his family, his life, all on a bet with Gawd, readers can all agree that he deserved it.
The most notable change in the new bible is the figure of Jesus Christ -- or, as he's now known in the New Testament, "Hip hop Jesus."
No longer does the Christ figure consort with "prostitutes and tax collectors", but now "hangs out with bitches and hos and music producers."
When Hip Hop Jesus loses his temper in the temple, it's no longer due to the presence of the money-changers, but because he was sold a bad taco.
Hip Hop Jesus now refers to his disciples as "honkies."
Pontius Pilate, the man who famously washed his hands of Jesus' fate and let him go on to be crucified, is now named Barak Obama.
The revision has also transformed Judas Iscariot into a vegetarian atheist who advocates for gay rights among the honkies.
The Sermon on the Mount now begins with the words, "What up?"
The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes now involves White Castle hamburgers and curly fries. In a break from tradition, the recipients pay for their food in order to decrease inferences of socialism in the time of Hip Hop Jesus.
In this vein, Hip Hop Jesus also charges money for the healings he performs.
In fact, everyone in this updated version of the bible pays their own way. No more free rides.
Mary Magdalene is no longer a prostitute, but a pop singer. She jumps out of a cake at the Last Supper, which has been recast as the Da Final BBQ!
In one of the strangest changes in the entire 17-year update, St. Paul is now known as "Edward Cullen."
Also, the poor are much more vilified and blamed for their plight in this edition, in an effort to silence charges of hypocrisy among Christians who purport to follow the tenets of "old Jesus", yet hate poor people. No such discrepancies exist in this new volume.
The Book of Revelations has been left to be as confusing as ever, though one small change was made: it has been dedicated to former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin.
When asked how anyone could "update" or make such changes to the bible -- which is regarded by tens of millions of people to be the literal Woid of Gawd -- one member of the committee of Roman Catholic bishops, who asked not to be named, said, "Since it is already widely known that Gawd doesn't exist, what's it matter if we play around with the things he never said?"