Saturday, July 21, 2012

The NRA comments on the deadly Aurora, Colorado cineplex shooting

Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, eyed the reporters gathered at the NRA press conference with his steely, patriot's gaze.

The question that was already causing so much outrage and angst in the NRA was the first to be asked of LaPierre.  Some jellyfish from a New York news bureau asked, "When will the NRA acknowledge that some level of gun contol is needed in this country, given the sorts of preventable tragedies like the shooting at the Aurora, Colorado cineplex?"

LaPierre felt -- as everyone in the NRA, Republican Party and toothless, barmy-eyed mountainmen -- the question didn't merit an answer.  LaPierre would have preferred biting a chunk out of the jellyfish's face.  But, no doubt, the lamestream media would spin that into some anti-NRA commentary, so LaPierre was left to play ball with the jellyfish.

"The NRA has commissioned numerous scientific studies on the subject," LaPierre began, "and we find, time and time again, that there is absolutely no correlation between guns and shooting deaths.  Zero.  None."

The reporters texted and typed the response with librarian quietude.

"The real question," LaPierre went on, "is the madness of showing violent, imaginary movies -- with absolutely no patriotic value -- in multi-screen cineplexes.  The NRA has said for years that multi-plexes are death traps.  We've cried out on this subject, time and time again, but our cries fell on deaf ears.  Well, I'm here today to say, 'We told you so.'"

In a single, inarticulate roar, the reporters began shouting questions at the executive vice president of the NRA.  LaPierre raised his hand and quieted them like Jesus Christ calming the tumultuous sea.

"Guns don't kill," LaPierre said, "Batman kills.  Had someone in the audience been armed, this tragedy could have been averted."

"But if an audience member had started shooting," a female reporter piped up, "couldn't there have been more casualties and deaths?"

I will have Eric Cantor deport you to North Korea, wench!  LaPierre thought.

"Absolutely not," LaPierre said.  "Guns are what make us safe.  The more guns you have in a movie theatre, in a supermarket, in a shopping mall, the safer everyone is.  That's a proven fact.  The NRA has proven it time and time again."

The reporters exploded with more questions.  LaPierre quieted them with raised hands.  "It was guns that settled this country and made us free!"  he shouted in his masculine stentorian voice.  "Not Batman!"

LaPierre then walked away from the podium leaving the lamestream media reporters in a pandemonium of ridiculous, leftist questions.

The lamesteam media proceeded to put an anti-NRA spin on the news conference.

3 comments:

Macphisto said...

He does have a point. How many atomic bombs have been dropped since 1946? Now that everyone has nuclear weapons, we're all much safer.

RightToBear9 said...

Long live Charlton! He would be proud LaPierre, keep the bullets flying brother:)

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

And you my anonymous friend need Hooked on Phonics.