When Dealing with the Police -- Canadian Edition

You have the Right . . .

To laugh.

Chances are, you’ll get a “Promise to Appear” citation.

If you are arrested, even better.  That means you’ll go before a Canadian judge.  Canadian judges love raggamuffin people who appear before them.

At best they’ll let you go.  At worst, they’ll give you a tongue-lashing that sounds like something from an Andy Hardy movie . . . and then they’ll let you go.

If the Police Stop Anyone . . .

Know that Canadian street cops are very frustrated with Canadian courts because the judges let everyone go.  Recently, a man who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography was sentenced to 14 days in jail.  A guy found guilty of stabbing two people was sentenced to 30 months in jail.

Unless the person stopped by the cops stabbed someone or was caught with CP, they’re home free.

The cops might be grouchy with you because they know you’re going to walk, no matter what they caught you with.  Be polite and feel secure that their fate -- at worst -- will be in the hands.

If the Police Stop You . . .

Ditto.

If the Police Arrest You . . .

If you're arrested in Canada -- congratulations on choosing the greatest country in the world in which to be arrested!

If you're a murderer, child molester, drug dealer, and have the outlandishly bad luck of being found guilty of your crime, fear not.  You're looking at a maximum prison sentence of five years, probably a lot less.

Get your sob story together.  Canadian judges are cultivated on specialty farms where, until well into adulthood, they've never heard of the concept of lying.  Tell them your story -- true or not -- and they will believe you.

Canadian judges also love placing people under house arrest.  Jurisprudence doesn't get any better than this -- punishing a person by making them stay at home.  Most people call that "vacation", but Canadian judges -- reared in ways similar to the raising of veal calves -- believe this is "punishment".  No shit!

And if you do end up serving time, getting a record -- no problem!  In five years' time, get a pardon . . . though your sins should be like crimson, the bleeding heart of the National Parole Board will make them as white as snow.

Remember
Be cool.  Nothing's going to happen to you.  Canada believes that "being civilized" means allowing people the freedom to work out their personality issues, in their own way time, at their own speed, in whatever way helps them learn from the experience.  If you need do steal cars or sell drugs to work out your issues, no sweat.  Canadian jurisprudence is there for you.

Your self-esteem is all that matters.