Canadian Police Combat the Awful, Unforeseen Consequences of Civilized Society: Boredom

Although falling crime rates in Canada have been met with pats on various political and social backs, one dire, unforeseen consequence has arisen: Canadian police are bored.

In fact, if it weren't for the continuously bumbling, hopelessly corrupt and inept RCMP -- and the odd recalcitrant and thuggish city cop -- municipal police would have almost absolutely nothing to do. The careless and brazen actions of Winnipeg police officer, Constable Daniel Aminot and legendary RCMP miscreant, Constable Benjamin Robinson, of late, have kept a few cops busy, but overall a distinct sense of malaise has descended upon police departments across the nation.

Politicians have been scrambling to create new laws for dispirited police to enforce. One new piece of legislation that's become a real hit among some officers: cracking down on motorists who talk on hand-held cellphones while driving.

With no other real crimes to investigate, police have jumped onto this latest bandwagon as quickly as they can.

According to Captain Travis Skudobel, spokesman for the Fraternal Order of Canadian Law Enforcement Officers, "We had high hopes for an up-tick in calls when the provice banned cigarettes from view two years ago, but we've been very disappointed to find virtually one hundred percent compliance."

Observers and watchdog groups have noted that police have resorted to committing crimes, themselves, in order to simply keep busy.

Says, Captain Skudobel, "If it weren't for our judges who release almost every actual criminal we bring in to court, we'd have nothing to do."

One police officer who declined to give his name had this to say: "I signed up for action and excitement, and of course, the ultimate 'Get Out of Jail Free Card' -- the badge. But things have gotten really dull. If I wanted to make my living just sitting around, I would have joined the fire department."