Five Guys at Scatman's Skateteria

A clash of cultures has been playing out in newspapers across Ontario, ever since five guys -- identifying themselves as "Five Guys" -- have been seen around the city and local businesses clad in black ski masks and black gloves.

The Five Guys made news when they launched simultaneous cases against Toronto Metropolitan Police, various private citizens and a handful of journalists, in the Ontario Human Rights Commission and the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario. They are now petitioning Queen's Park to create a third human rights hearing board because they claim redress in the other two bodies takes too long.

"Even when they do, finally, hand down their decision," said Aqua Shirt Guy, leader of the Five Guys, "we have every expectation that it will not ask for the caning or flogging or beheading of our enemies. We are bracing for that disappointment, and we'll take the Ontario Human Rights Commission and the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario before the third body we're petitioning Queen's Park to establish."

Outside of the Commission and Tribunal, the latest "Five Guys Flap" -- as local media are calling it -- occurred this week at a Toronto roller skating rink called Scatman's Skateteria.

The Five Guys had just laced up their skates and taken to the rink when they skated over to the DJ's booth and began loudly protesting the selection of music playing over the sound system.

"It's just the stuff you'd hear on any new music station," a shaken and bewildered DJ Rick Roll said after the incident. "And these five guys came over, all freaking out. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I was afraid for my safety!"

"The music is too western!" said Aqua Shirt Guy, outside the police station where he and the rest of the Five Guys were booked and released. "That secular, unreligious, unholy music is offensive to our culture and our religion! We merely demanded that some of the short harmonica compositions of D'ligny Zeitgeist be played, and the next thing we knew, the police had been called!"

To which Toronto Now's Phalguni Fanibhusan asked, "Why would you go into Scatman's Skateteria, in the first place?"

"People always say to us, 'You must try to be more western!' So, we attempt to take part in this western practice, but they always offend our culture and our religion!"

Spokesman, Gordon Aftergood, of the C.L.O.W.N. (Canadians for a Less Offensive Way Now) had this to say: "It's very unfortunate that this situation had to be blown out of all proportion. We are working vigorously to persuade Premier McGuinty to proffer a written and verbal apology to the Five Guys. We're also trying to arrive at a compensation deal for the wronged parties, but I can't go into any detail about that just now."