Monday, February 22, 2010

In search of choke-proof hotdogs

Inside the Hotdog Factory has been closely following developments of scientists and food engineers as they devise a "safer" hotdog.

"If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child's airway, it would be a hot dog," says Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

Although that statement is unduly harsh, and has been condemned by the Fraternal Order of Hotdog Manufacturers and Vendors, it is, nonetheless, true.

In an effort to remove the danger from hotdog-eating, space-age design and technology has come up with some innovative alternatives.

Spleenberg Food Labs has been at the forefront of food engineering for more than half a century. Today, spokesman Charles Gumsom unveiled a few of their designs.

"Among our enhancements to hotdog-eating has been the 'CocoDog,' a hairy, coconut shaped hotdog. When barbecued, the hair burns off and forms a hard, coconut-like shell around the meat. The traditional hotdog bun would not be used with something like the CocoDog, which requires a machete to break through its tough outer husk and get at the meat. Unfortunately, the bun industry has fought us tooth-and-nail on this design. Also, we're getting a little bit of push-back from parents who, for some reason, are reluctant to provide their children with machetes."

Moving through his slideshow, Gumson continued, "We also have the DonutDog. Since donuts are among the safest of foods, Spleenberg engineers decided to bend the traditional hotdog and fuse its ends together, forming a perfect circle. This move has been lauded by bagel makers and has been extraordinarily popular during beta testing."

Gumsom clicked to the next slide. "Here we have novelty hotdogs shaped like a fire hydrant and a blacksmith's anvil. No one in recorded history has ever choked on either of those items, so we're merely latching on to the proven safety track record of these venerable designs."

At that point, Gumsom revealed Spleenberg Labs' centerpiece in safe hotdogging: the O2Dog.

"It looks just like the hotdog we all grew up eating," he said, "but we've infinitely improved it with science. When a person takes a bite of the O2Dog, the morsel instantly disintegrates into oxygen-rich component pellets. Not only is the risk of choking eliminated, but the O2Dog delivers a healthful dose of oxygen with every bite -- something your body needs, anyhow.

"In fact, the O2Dog is so safe be the difference between life and death when someone has an asthma attack. We've all seen it -- Little Bobby or Big Johnny forgot his inhaler and goes into a horrible fit of wheezing. Until now, we could only look on, helpless. Now it's possible for a bystander to simply jam an O2Dog down the asthmatic's throat, and then see them relieved of the attack within seconds.

"We're also tackling issues that have less to do with safety, and more to do with peoples' dignity. Spleenberg engineers are working on stain remover condiments, coffee that freshens breath, and a nail-clipper-compass.

"And last, but certainly not least," Gumsom said. "Say goodbye to the days of milk coming out your nose when someone makes you laugh while taking a drink. We've come up with Milgurt -- a thick, yogurt-like milk substitute. We've exhaustively tested this invention exposing hundreds of beta testers to today's hottest comedians. There may be cure for the spit-take, but we're confident that milk-out-the-nose will soon be a thing of the past."

Better living through science.


Anonymous said...

Spleenburg strikes back! Man this guy is a fucking genius! Looking forward to my new compass clippers which are En Route to me as this is being written.

Beeno Kevorkian said...

Although this post is no laughing matter, I found myself choking on my hot dog as it were.

'simply jam an O2Dog down the asthmatic's throat'

This was a hilarious post!

Milgurt! Classic!
(Hmm, I can see the advertisement for it already...)

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

It goes without saying, the safest way to consume meat is by drinking a Steak Shake.