America, it's time . . .

From CNN.com's This Just In:

"In ironic twist, BP finalist for pollution prevention award" -- BP, now under federal scrutiny because of its role in the deadly Gulf of Mexico explosion and oil spill, is one of three finalists for a federal award honoring offshore oil companies for "outstanding safety and pollution prevention."

And from In These Times:

BP, Massey Energy and Tesoro all have hauled out plaques celebrating safety achievements to deflect allegations of corporate recklessness in the aftermath of explosions in April that killed 47 of their workers.

Though each of these corporations accepted awards for safety statistics, not one has taken responsibility for workplace deaths.

Read that and understand it:

BP and Massey Energy were both recent recipients of safety awards from the US government.

From In These Times: "Just last year, the federal Minerals Management Service (MMS) gave BP and Transocean, the owner of the Deepwater Horizon rig, Safety Awards for Excellence –SAFE awards."

More from In These Times:

Some BP executives actually experienced a little of that burn on April 20. A group of BP bigwigs was aboard Deepwater Horizon in the Gulf of Mexico when it exploded. They’d traveled out to the oil rig to celebrate a safety milestone. Workers on the rig had gone seven years without a lost-time accident – well, seven years without reporting one, anyway. Corporations routinely subtly and overtly discourage workers from reporting injuries. For example, companies grant cash awards for designated time periods during which no injury reports are filed and force mishap victims to wear distinctive clothing like orange vests so they get the blame – and not the corporation – for injury reports that cost entire crews their cash awards.

. . .

America, the time has come for you to hand over the keys.

Friends don't let friends drink and drive.

Yes, the 20th Century was the "American Century" -- you have the body count to prove it.

Nothing good lasts forever. You gave us the hamburger, Elvis Presley, Martin Scorsese, Raquel Welch, Tanya Roberts, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. And a pile of wonderful book-writing authors, as well.

But the myth of American competence has vanished. It's been well on the decline since President John F. Kennedy was assassinated.

The decline accelerated when Reagan became president, and the mask fell off entirely when George W. Bush took hold of the Oval Office like some spoiled rat kid playing "I'm the King of the Castle."

W cashed out with his cronies in 2008 to the tune of more than $700 billion, and America's been a floating, tattered lifeboat without paddles or a rudder ever since.

You can't go on like this.

So, I propose a slight paradigm shift: Go with your strength and pack in the rest.

Give up your military, Wall Street and those two horrific whorehouse dens of dysfunction: the House of Representatives and the Senate. Shelve your foreign policy, pack in your wars, disband your Gestapo FBI and your Langley KGB. Reel it all in.

And stick to making movies, TV shows, porn and music.

That's all the world wants from you: movies, TV, porn and music.

Because that's always been America's #1 strength and export: fiction, fantasy, make believe.

From George Washington cutting down the cherry tree to "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," America has been the world's most chronic, consistent purveyor of fabrication and myth.

All we're asking is for you to become the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Continue to lay the golden eggs, and the world will protect you.

If North Korea or Bolshevic Jackoffistan make any threatening move in your direction, the fans of your movies, TV, porn and music will step in.

Japan will be there like a shot. Canada, you're happily forgotten neighbor who kicks your ass every time our militaries compete against one another in friendly "games," will stand on guard for thee.

Send China your torture instructors from Fort Benning along with your torture manuals and torture toys, and I'm sure your landlord (the Chinese) would forgive your debts to them.

But the fact is, you can't go on as you are now.

Whether it's your Teabag party demanding that bullets be declared one of the main food groups in the Food Pyramid (with the all-seeing eye), or that Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are still running around free, somewhere along the line you forgot what you were about.

It happens.

Look at Elvis. Look at Kurt Cobain. Look at Larry King.

Sure, continue to have your elections. After all, they're just like rigged gameshows. And have your culture wars. But put down the car keys, pull up your pants and try to regain your dignity. Because at this point in time, your Bronx is showing.