Modern Translations by Gary Britson

Guest contributor, Gary Britson, brings "Modern Translation of What is Actually Meant by Prospective Employers, Good Samaritans, or Other Irrelevant Folks by Everyday Expressions":

"Thank you for your application."
Translation: "We'd rather hire Charles Manson."

"We are sorry we cannot use your services at this time."

Translation:"We're not sorry at all. What the hell do we have to be sorry about? You're the one who wasted our time with your bullshit application."

"Life's too short to carry a grudge."

Translation: "Don't shoot me."

"We will keep your application on file in case future openings should arise."

Translation: "In the meantime, why don't you send your resume to the Tooth Fairy? You'll have better luck with her?

"Sir? Sir? Sir?"

Translation: "Why don't you shut the fuck up, asshole!"

"Your call is very important to us."

Translation: "We're entitled to a fifteen-minute coffee break, and by God, we're going to take every damn second!"

"Are you all right?"

Translation: "Aside from the fact that you just got run over by a Hummer, and your liver and heart are lying on the pavement next to you, how do you feel?"

"I have some unpleasant news."

Translation: "You have two weeks to live, but there's still time to remember me in your will."

"Do you come here often?"

Translation: "If you and I weren't such neurotic losers, we wouldn't have to hang out in a dive like this to get laid."

"Mr. Anderson isn't in. May I take a message?"

Translation: "My boss said if I took one more call from you he'd replace me with his daughter-in-law."

"We cannot use this story. However, please try us again."

Translation: "If you think we're going to waste ink on a no-name, you're crazy. But send us another story. The paper comes in handy when we're too cheap to buy coasters."

"I think we should see other people."

Translation: "My new boss's dick is twice as big as yours, and he drives a Mercedes."

"Thank you."

Translation: "Are you gonna hang around here for fucking ever? I'm late for my morning blow job upstairs."

Waitress: "Can I take that plate for you?"

Translation: "Get the fuck out of here so I can give this table to customers who know how to tip!"

"We need to talk."

Translation: "You're the last person on earth I want to talk to."

"Have a nice weekend."

Translation: "Two days without you! I'm in heaven!"

"Is there anything I can do?"

Translation: "We both know there's not a damn thing either one of us can do, so let's have a drink."

"At least he didn't suffer."

Translation: "Thank goodness he won't make us suffer any more."

"I agree with Sarah Palin. We must take our country back!"

Translation: "I agree with Sarah Palin. I don't want my tax dollars going to sick black people!"

"This medicine should not be taking by people with liver disease or women who are pregnant or may become pregnant."

Translation: "We don't sell our overpriced medicine to drunks, or tramps who are pregnant, may become pregnant, or women who have ever done anything which might result in pregnancy, or who have ever thought about or even remotely considered doing anything that might somehow cause pregnancy, or who have ever associated with, or talked to, or is related to anyone who has ever for one nanosecond thought about maybe, possibly, doing anything that might result in pregnancy. We went thorugh hell to get through medical school, and we never pass up a chance to pass judgement on anyone who didn't."