"Airline passengers who object to any type of physical screening are not going to fly anywhere," says the big, frowny head of the Transportation Security Administration on Tuesday.
Those were the old days.
Well, the statement above is from yesterday, but to the American mind, which has a median memory of three-and-a-half minutes, it's ancient history.
Time to look into the future!
Head of the TSA's public relations outreach announced today the launch of a new game show called Name That Scan!
Three contests will play for cash and prizes.
TSA airport scans of celebrities will be shown and the contestants must identify who they are.
Celebrities who have thrown their "hats" into the ring are the usual circle of liposuctioned losers, such as America's Sweetheart, Brett Michaels, Steven Tyler, Jessica Simpson, Alice Cooper, Wither Palin (Sarah's uncle-in-law) and many others.
The TSA says, "Our body scanner devices automatically delete the images after they're reviewed."
And the public is like, "Yeah, right!"
So, the scans that don't exist will now headline Name That Scan!, which will be hosted by Howie Mandel.
Germaphobe Mandel has made it a personal crusade that Americans fall in love with airport body scanners as he has.
Name That Scan! will also feature thirty second public service announcements filmed by Mandel standing within an airport body scanner -- to show just how safe and unintrusive they really are.
Janet Napolitano, United States Secretary of Homeland Security, is said to be thrilled with the new game show concept and is sure that it will turn the tide, which has recently risen up against airport body scanners and the TSA in general.
Because, in the words of Napolitano, regarding airport body scanners:
"They protect us from terrorists."
"Air passengers gave up their rights when they bought their airline tickets."
"TSA agents are just doing their jobs."
"Rigorous privacy safeguards are also in place to protect the travelling public."
"The vast majority of travellers say they prefer this technology to alternative screening measures."
And what the hell? If people are going to be crybabies about it, Napolitano has said that people are free to travel by other means.
Look for Name That Scan! to begin in early December in preparation for Christmas travel so that we can stamp out all of those "Don't Fly" humbuggers!