As further proof that the Olympics should be held every six months with only the United States competing (so the country can work out its excess need to chant "USA! USA!" and otherwise riot in city streets waving its flag), Americans took to the streets in New York, Washington, D.C., and elsewhere, celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden as though Charlie Sheen had single-handedly won the Super Bowl.
Celebrants were very open to news media, sharing their thoughts on this most merry occasion:
Pete from Florida: "Now that Bin Laden is dead maybe the bank won't foreclose on my home!"
Katie from Virginia: "With Bin Laden dead, I can finally get affordable health care for my hydrocephalic sextuplets!"
Morgan from Freeport: "Now that Bin Laden is dead, maybe we'll finally get back all of that bail-out money!"
Tom from Maryland: "Bin Laden is the only thing that's been standing between me and going back to school. With the news of his death, I think you'll see American flock back to school now that tuition fees will obviously drop!"
Shirley from New Grange: "Bin Laden's death means we can get back to the Abortion Debate!"
Lloyd from Beaverton: "Now that the US has finally killed Osama, the obesity epidemic will end!"
Diane from East Egg: "Now that Bin Laden's dead, there'll be no more AIDS!"
Representative Paul Ryan (R): "Now that Bin Laden is dead, the National Budget will finally balance."
Confirmation has already come in that the death of Osama Bin Laden has halted the melting of the polar ice caps.
Mercury levels in the world's oceans are also beginning to recede.
From Evangelical Christian Headquarters in Colorado Springs, Colorado, word has come that Jesus Christ is now waiting in the wings, ready to return, now that the fearsome Osama Bin Laden is finally dead.
"American officials have confirmed that Bin Laden is dead," said Jesus Christ at a press conference at the Colorado Springs Hyatt Regency Hotel, "and that's good enough for me. They've verified his identity with people on the ground and with DNA. They've even buried him at sea already. Where I come from, that's what we call a job well done!"
Cedric from Westline: "Now that Bin Laden is dead, maybe we won't have to watch Dancing With the Stars anymore."