Choosing the correct Time Magazine "Person of the Year"

I can't say that it's any surprise that Time Magazine would cave, cower or otherwise collapse under (political) pressure to remove Julian Assange's name from its Person of the Year list.

But there it is. His name is gone.

In 1st place this morning. Down the memoryhole this afternoon.

What else could be expected from a major mouthpiece of our corporatocracy? Nothing else.

So, if Julian Assange is persona non-grata to Time (which, in the past, has had Hitler, Stalin and Khomeini as it's "Man of the Year"), may I throw in a vote for my second choice for Time's "Person of the Year":

Robert Pattison.

Though still a very young man, Pattison is regarded as the Gandhi of his generation.

He has selflessly (though reaping quite some financial gain) placed his name and dignity squarely in harm's way by starring in the execrable Twilight series.

Pattison has gone even farther than that, carrying on an off-screen relationship with Kristen Stewart when everyone knows he could do much better.

If not for the Twilight series, the genre of Teenage Vampire Romance may never have gained traction in our culture. It might have died the quick, inevitable, ignoble death the universe's justice had lined up for it.

Then Robert Pattison came on the scene and made movies based upon the barely-literature limpid scrawlings of a sexually frustrated housewife.

It's now time for Time to bestow upon Robert Pattison his due -- Time's "Person of the Year."

Might I go a step further and demand Time make Robert Pattison it's "Person of the Decade" as well? Yes.

And I must say that if Ball o' Yarn: the Cat Owners' Monthly wasn't in print, Time Magazine would be my 73rd favorite print magazine.

May the flabby, flaccid deities of cowards urinate upon your collective head the righteous remnants of Bud Light Lime.

The evidence is in . . .

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford: Prankster & Pragmatist

In a wide-ranging interview with Inside the Hotdog Factory, newly elected Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reflects about his time on the hit TV sit-com According to Jim and how he plans to make parking everywhere in Toronto free for one and all.

Before we got started, Ford put on a headset connected to his 18-line Lucent Technologies telephone and said, "Check this out."

He proceeded to call a Kentucky Fried Chicken location in Rexford, Kentucky -- this journalist saw the name and telephone number on a Google Maps page on the mayor's laptop screen.

"Hello, may I speak with the manager," Ford said when someone picked up on the other end of the line. After a pause, he said, "Then, may I speak to the shift supervisor -- OK, that's you. Perfect."

After bizarrely introducing himself as a local fire inspector (local? With no Southern accent?), Ford proceeded to instruct the shift supervisor: "This will seem highly irregular, but I assure you this is an absolute emergency."

Ford winked at this reporter and pantomimed jacking off.

He continued: "I'm going to need you to trigger the fire suppression system -- yes, you heard that correctly: I need you to trigger your fire suppression system.

"We're getting reports from other locations that the chemicals in the system have 'gone over' . . . yeah, like leaving cole slaw out of the fridge too long. Well, these rancid chemicals can actually cause a major explosion when they come into contact with fire.

"So, we have to get those old, bad chemicals out before there is a fire. That's why I need you to trigger the system.

"Once you do that, you may get some of the chemicals on yourself and some of the other employees. I must stress -- these chemicals are toxic and dangerous, so the moment you get outside of the restaurant, be sure to remove your clothing."

At that point, Ford put his phone conversation on MUTE and laughed for approximately 30 seconds.

"OK, I'm still here," he says on the phone, regaining his composure. "When I say 'go', trigger the fire suppression system.

"Go!"

At which point, Ford hangs up and removes his telephone headset, chuckling.

"Pranks always get the heart pumping," he says.

To the question of whether Ford believes Toronto will continue to be passed over as host for the Summer Olympics until it gets its Parking Enforcement Division under control, Ford says, "Obviously that's true. We should have the Olympics, and would have them, but for our parking Nazis, as they're called.

"My solution is to think outside-of-the-box, engage in a little asymmetric warfare, and I believe that making all parking in the City of Toronto free of charge will solve that problem."

When asked how the revenue from parking will be made up, Ford waves a hand.

He appears unready for the next question: "What could have been done differently during the G20 Summit to curb the scenes of violence and charges of police brutality?"

Ford thinks for a moment before offering: "We can't go at these things half-assed. We need robust budgets for this type of thing."

When reminded that a billion dollars had been spent on G20 security, Ford replies, "Only one? Well, there you go."

How does Rob Ford feel about the cancellation of According to Jim and his acrimonious parting with his costars?

"Look, Jim Belushi is an artist and Courtney Thorn-Smith is gorgeous," Ford says. "I'd just like to leave it at that."

As the next question was being asked, Ford interrupted, getting up from his desk: "I'm due over at Taco Bell -- I mean, I have a meeting with the Chamber of Commerce. Thank you for coming in."

Cut short and out on the sidewalk, I looked for a light rail vehicle to take me home, but could not find one.


"At the end of the day, it's all about having a laugh" -- Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

It's true . . .

Batman and Robin diplomacy

A British cousin once asked me why "all the baddies in American movies are English."

I had never noticed; didn't know why. My cousin just shrugged.

As someone who went to school in the 1970s and '80's, I'm familiar with the musty old buzzword of that time, "stereotyping."

It was once a quasi-euphemism for "racism."

Now we have the poly-syllabic politically correct beaut: "cultural sensitivity."

From The New York Times:

A trove of diplomatic cables, obtained by WikiLeaks and made available to a number of publications, disclose a perception by American diplomats that Canadians "always carry a chip on their shoulder" in part because of a feeling that their country "is condemned to always play 'Robin' to the U.S. 'Batman.'"

Whenever a competitive personality believes someone doesn't like them, they immediately accuse that person of being jealous of them.

It's an incredibly old ruse, one which doesn't work on anyone with an IQ north of 70.

As to Canadians' "inferiority complex" "chip on their shoulder" and being "condemned to always play 'Robin' to the U.S. 'Batman', I must . . . laugh.

Very sophisticated, mature and dynamic discourse here. Very nuanced and subtle socio-political analysis tangling out the tendrils of intricacy of the relationship between America and Canada.

Actually, it's more on par with Bazooka Joe.

America is like the guy sitting behind you at the movies, who's talking to his date, chewing his popcorn loudly, slurping his pop, spraying the back of your neck with flecks and drips of both every time he laughs.

You turn around and say, "Could you keep it down? I'm trying to watch the movie."

To which America replies, "You're just jealous of my brilliant insights into this movie!"

"Actually, no," you say, "you're distracting me."

Later, America's talking on his cell phone, telling a buddy about the movie.

You turn around and say, "Would it be too much to ask for you to be quiet?"

To which America replies, "You're just jealous of my cell phone and my huge address book filled with friends."

"No, actually," you say, "I'd just prefer to enjoy the movie and not listen to you."

No, America, I am not jealous of your Westboro Baptist Church, or your Eric Cantor, or your for profit health care system, or your two unfunded wars, or Blackwater/Xe, or Wackenhut, or your Federal Reserve, or your 20,000 gun deaths per year, or your percolating second civil war, or Sarah Palin, or Glenn Beck, or your Halliburton, or your Transportation Security Administration, or the state of Mississippi, or the state of Lousiana, or the state of Arkansas, or your PATRIOT Act I, or PATRIOT Act II, or your Freedom Fries, or your Hollywood movies, or Dancing With the Stars . . .

No, you be Batman, America. Be Batman -- with my blessing.

I think Britain would make an outstanding Robin -- it always looked better in tights.

Who says bi-partisanship is dead?

Obama and GOPers Worked Together to Kill Bush Torture Probe

When it comes to obfuscation and outright deception in the pursuit of protecting abuse of power, war crimes and general high-level assholery, bi-partisanship lives!

It lives!

America to the World: "Do these Tyranny Jeans make my bum look big?"

To "Wilkins" at the American embassy in Ottawa, Canada:

I read the Wikileaked cable 08OTTAWA136 -- SUBJECT: PRIMETIME IMAGES OF US-CANADA BORDER PAINT U.S. IN INCREASINGLY NEGATIVE LIGHT today; a description of a few Canadian television shows as anxiously viewed by an American bureaucrat with his "Love America Meter" firmly in hand, taking readings and measurements.

Specifically, the bureaucrat in question examined the level of "American stereotyping" and "anti-Americanism" on Canada's "State run" (actually, "Crown run"; same thing) television network the CBC.

Shows viewed were The Border, Intelligence and even Little Mosque on Prairie, each causing varying levels of concern because America, American police, border and intelligence agencies were not presented as the benevolent entities showering candy upon children, as the bureaucrat in question seems to believe they are.

The pervasive issue in this memo? Negative stereotypes of America and American officials.

My observation: When Americans learn how they are perceived by others they often don't like those perceptions and therefore accuse the obervers of "stereotyping".

But my question is this: Is Guantanamo Bay a stereotype?

Are extraordinary renditions just hurtful rumors?

How about the constitutional vandalism of the PATRIOT Acts I and II?

In reference to an episode of The Border, the US bureaucrat wrote: "In episode one a Syrian terrorist with a belt full of gel-based explosives is removed from a plane in Canada while the Canadian-Syrian man sitting next to him is rendered by the CIA/CSIS team to Syria -- a fairly transparent reference to QCIA/CSIS team to Syria -- a fairly transparent reference to the Maher Arar case."

Thing is, the Maher Arar case is real. It happened. It didn't have to happen, but American immigration/border authorities saw to it that it did happen. Canadian authorities -- like a bunch of Boy Scouts in short-pants -- happily aided and abetted the wrong-headed American officials, making this case a bi-national disgrace.

The suspension of habeus corpus in the United States isn't a stereotype.

Nor was George W. Bush's brazen and criminal authorization of waterboarding, among other torture techniques, a rumor or stereotype -- wrenching useless confessions from victims whom we'll never know were guilty or not of crimes, all making outlandish confesions that have been compared to those made by defendants during Stalin's show trials in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.

And Canadian skepticism of the CIA? Well, The Company was kind enough to share its MK/Ultra horror with Canada, performing some absolutely hideous experiments on Canadian citizens -- unbeknownst to them, of course -- while they were patients in a Montreal mental hospital:



From Wilkins' cable: "The series [CBC's "H20" mini-series] was first broadcast in 2005, when it featured an investigation into an American assassination of the Canadian prime minister and a very broad-based (and wildly implausible) U.S. scheme to steal Canadian water."

Wilkins, have you ever seen the documentary The Panama Deception? It shows how the US installed Manuel Noriega -- a CIA employee and drug runner for the agency -- and then used his ouster as a pretext for destroying the Panamanian military so that the US could take control of the Panama Canal.

Going into another country to steal some of its natural resources -- that doesn't ring any bells of familiarity, Wilkins? Really? Like "swear-on-the-bible" really?
. . .
I've never known of a country with a greater, more pronounced and problematic inferiority complex than the United States.

"Love us! Love us! We just want love!" America cries all the while perpetrating distinctly unlovable acts around the world.

Part of the bureaucrat's conclusion after all of this television viewing:

While there is no single answer to this trend, it does serve to demonstrate the importance of constant creative, and adequately-funded public-diplomacy engagement with Canadians, at all levels and in virtually all parts of the country. We need to do everything we can to make it more difficult for Canadians to fall into the trap of seeing all U.S. policies as the result of nefarious faceless U.S. bureaucrats anxious to squeeze their northern neighbor.

Actually, America, you don't have to go to all that trouble.

Know what you can do instead?

Clean up your fucking act.

Wolf Blitz-krieg

Wolf Blitzer showing he's got the stuff to prosecute a case in the Hague against Wikileaks -- file photo of him performing in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in the role of Joseph in Minneapolis, 1995.

Canned News Network entertainer, Wolf Blitzer, is not only pressuring US authorities to prosecute Wikileaks for its recent release of 250,000 American diplomatic cables -- Blitzer is demanding to act as prosecutor in the courtroom, as well.

When CNN entertainer, John Roberts, pointed out to Blitzer that he has no legal or courtroom experience, Blitzer was quickly on the offensive, saying, "I never had any television experience before CNN, but look at me now!"

It was then that John Roberts turned back to the camera and said, "If this is any indication of the ferocious prosecution Wolf plans for Julian Assange, the 39 year old Australian hacker is sure to be drawn and quartered."

People are still buzzing about Blitzer's impassioned condemnation of Wikileaks' latest disclosure of secret documents, and the government's less-than-robust security:

Are they doing anything at all to make sure if some 23-year-old guy, allegedly, starts downloading hundreds of thousands of cables, hundreds of thousands of copies of sensitive information, that no one pays attention to that, no one in the security system of the United States government bothers to see someone is downloading all these millions -- literally millions of documents? . . . at this point, you know, it -- it's amazing to me that the U.S. government security system is so lax that someone could allegedly do this kind of damage just by simply pretending to be listening to a Lady Gaga C.D. and at the same time downloading all these kinds of documents.

In a candid moment away from the cameras in the Canned News Network headquarters, Inside the Hotdog Factory asked Blitzer why this was so personal.

Blitzer replied, "I just can't stand by and watch as our country's powerful elite are embarrassed by the release of their own words to the illiterate public."

4th Quarter Dick Cheney Award for Corporate Malevolence Goes to US Corporate Media

It's embarrassing when a person is caught not doing his job.

It's even worse when it's revealed that not only hasn't the person in question been doing his job, but that someone else has.

The U.S. corporate media -- 4th quarter recipient of the Dick Cheney Award for Corporate Malevolence -- has been a lap dog for decades to the powerful, compromised, self-interested, anti-democracy, freedom-mocking establishment of the United States.

Renegade journalist, Greg Palast, put it in perspective in the Foreword to one of his books when he wrote about the myth of American investigative journalism, saying that the reporting of the Watergate story by Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward in the early 1970s was a one-off, a fluke -- such an anomaly that a movie was made about it.

Very true.

So, as CNN keeps its viewers abreast of developments occurring on Twitter and Facebook and the morbid circus on Fox News continues eating its own feces on air, as Dateline NBC -- in one of the most egregious abdications of journalistic responsibility -- devotes itself to solving 19 year old cold case murders, and ABC News and CBS News put on nightly displays of their irrelevance, there is Wikileaks.

Julian Assange and Wikileaks are heroes.

You can tell by the confederacy of dunces arrayed against them.

As Wolf Blitzer bloviates on the Canned News Network, worried about his State and corporate overlords doing a better job of protecting their fecund secrets, Julian Assange and Wikileaks is doing what a healthy and responsible journalist/news organization (though Assange and Wikileaks purports to be neither) should be doing: making the powerful elite walk through a full body scanner.

Since the American mind only responds to sports analogies, what's occurring right now between the United States government and Wikileaks is like a charity football game between a high school team and a Super Bowl winning NFL team.

The game is an utter mismatch.

Nobody, really, expects the NFL team to lose even a yard to high school team, and nobody expects the high school team to manage the least progress against the NFL team.

In the crowd for this game, you have the likes of Bill O'Reilly and Wolf Blitzer who heartily cheer-on the woefully under-matched NFL team.

Bill O'Reilly is such a scared rabbit of a person, he can only side with the school yard bully; he can only align himself with the powerful. Doesn't matter if the powerful is correct or has any moral justification for how it wields its power -- just being powerful is enough for O'Reilly's undying allegiance.

O'Reilly and his frightened, quivering ilk seek out power, subjugate themselves to it, ingratiate themselves to it, become the most saccharine, repellent sycophants to it. Then they puff up strawmen, like Wikileaks, making them sound like powerful entities, and cast himself as a dragon-slayer for going after them.

And so, you have many of the leading lights of the Culture of Life, anti-abortion contingent calling for the outright murder of Julian Assange. No due process. No trial.

Assange done wrong. Kill him! come their cries, as though from the apes in the opening of Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Noam Chomsky rightly points out the response to the most recent Wikileaks relase reveals America's "profound hatred of democracy".

Democracy is to America what Bruce Springsteen is to my musical taste:

I like the idea of Springsteen, but I don't listen to his music.

America likes the idea of democracy, but when it really comes down to it, Americans prefer Halliburton, the Carlyle Group, Wal-Mart, McDonald's and a hundred other corporate overlords to look after their well-being.

No problem -- just stop crowing about freedom.

The Wikileaks release is a rebuke to power. That's what freedom's all about.

And it's not as though Julian Assange does this alone, or unscathed. He's been smeared from here to Timbuktu. He was brought up on rape charges in the summer and authorities are trying their luck again with that ruse.

American senators and urinalists are calling for Wikileaks to be designated a terrorist organization and Assange an enemy combatant.

Yeah, that's exercising freedom just as Thomas Jefferson envisioned it. Wince.

And who aids the powerful elites at every turn to get their message out, to ensure their spin keeps spinning? The US corporate media, which in a truth-telling world would be know for what it is: The US Ministry of Information.

For gross and ongoing dereliction of duty, from President Kennedy's assassination, through the Vietnam War, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Kennedy's assassinations, through Watergate, the Iran/Contra scandal that had all the potential to reveal wide-spread drug smuggling on the part of US intelligence, the invasion of Panama, Ruby Ridge, Waco, Oklahoma, the election debacle of 2000 (particularly for that, you skinned peckers), 911 through to the Wikileaks releases, the US corporate media richly and egregiously deserves the 4th Quarter Dick Cheney Award for Corporate Malevolence.

You have aided the wealthy against the weak.

You have abetted the powerful against the powerless.

You have squandered every opportunity to prove your relevance.

And gawddamn it, anyhow, Datelines, what's with all the 19 year old cold case murders? It's like a come-as-you-are-party for corpses.

You're in company you deserve, US corporate media. I'm sure you'll recognize many of the faces at our Christmas party.

Banksters, use your evil genius for good!

Stomach-turning Reddit headline #451,985: A significant number of people being foreclosed on HAVE NEVER MISSED A PAYMENT. Banks delay processing payments to incur late fees unbeknownst to the borrower, which fees are fraudulently deducted from the next payment, which incurs more late fees ..., which results in a foreclosure.

Banksters and Wall Street economic terrorist thugs have more ways to torment the American people than Ted Bundy had for his victims.

Understood.

Now, why doesn't someone turn America's financial nuclear arsenal upon the enemy?

By this I mean: Conscript your leading high-powered financial fraudsters to cook up a number of products that, say, China, Russia, Saudi Arabia -- whoever is on the U.S. "do-not-invite" list -- will buy up.

Then, just as they've done to the American people, U.S. covert banksters can tank those financial products sold to the landlord-enemy, bringing about a two-fold effect:

(1) Destroying the economies of the enemy;
(2) Earning oodles of cash to pay down the deficit

In my neighborhood, someone would shout out at this point, "Now, that's thinking!"

The banksters and Wall Street goons-in-suits cold keep 1 percent of the filthy lucre, but the rest would go toward balancing the United States federal budget.

Done . . . and done.

I know in the empty chest cavity where a heart should exist inside a bankster is warmed by torturing and tricking fellow citizens, but maybe the sick carnival of the U.S. stock market could take a couple quarters off and aim all of that financial destruction where it's needed.

Because, as Wikileaks keeps remind us: America has lots of enemies.

Keeping a watchful eye so you don't have to

Douchey Hair; Heroic Soul

DADT - try service without the guns

Lindsey Graham: 'Don't Ask Don't Tell Is Not Going Anywhere'

A Final Push To Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

I heard an interview with a gay former marine who was drummed out of the service based upon rumors and angry subordinate had begun about him. Turned out the rumor was true, but, essentially based upon lies and hearsay, this young marine lost his career.

I say good.

I don't say that because I'm homophobic, but because I think the more people who can be yanked out of harm's within America's war machine, the better.

The strange thing about this young marine -- he volunteers with a local chapter of Log Cabin Republicans.

Yeah -- the party that despises him and fights every step of the way to limit the rights of homosexuals, is a recipient of his volunteerism.

When asked if he would like to serve in the military again, the former marine said that he would, but probably in the reserves. But he stressed that he felt he had a call to service.

Too bad he feels that call is to fight the wars on behalf of those who openly despise him -- illegitimate wars where the casualties are predominantly civilians.

Also, too bad the young former marine doesn't see volunteering in an American community as service -- and not with the billion dollar rightwing party that hates him.

Schools. Literacy programs. Soup kitchens. Retirement homes. The myriad poor, wretched, stepped-upon and discarded.

As I listened to the interview with this marine, I heard a voice speaking in between the lines, an intimation that was needed in order to make sense of the young marine's idea of service: "But I like to shoot people. I feel I'm called to service, but that service must involve shooting people. Sorry."

Weirdos of America wonder . . .

In the face of being subjected to either an invasive body scan that effectively renders a nude photograph of the air traveler or enduring an "enhanced pat down" that involves one having his genitals touched numerous times by strangers . . .

Weirdos of America wonder: "Is it possible to have both?"

Obesity riddle solved

Tl;dr version "Eat a lot of shit, you get fucking fat."

Science version.

Societies always end up with the shoppers they deserve

Sarah Palin, trailblazer

The "bend over and take it" brigade continues to grow

Maybe they'll all band together and we'll see them on a flotilla headed over to Fox News.

You know them -- the Bend Over and Take It Brigade.

The spineless, obedient, compliant urinalists who are taking to the airwaves and the Web begging everyone who's ire is up over TSA "enhanced pat downs" and body imaging scanners, to shut up, obey and be good, groveling grubs of the State.

Fuck that. And fuck these unprincipled, frightened rabbits feverishly penning articles about how Opt-Out Day is terrible because it's causing the Security State a little dyspepsia.

Fuck you, cowards.

Thanks to the cowards among us, we've got the PATRIOT Acts I and II.

Thanks to the hand-wringing, obedient enablers and apologists, we've got the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Thanks to this abhorrent mentality that believes the impossible -- that one can trade freedom for security -- we've got an out-of-control TSA groping and snapping nude scans of air travelers.

So long as we listen to the cowards in our midst, like Rosa Golijan writing for Gizmodo, Chris Matthew, host of MSNBC's Hard-on and William Saletan writing for Slate, citizens will have to continue running the groping gauntlet in airports across the US.

Moreover, so long as we listen to these cowards, we can look forward to similar treatment when boarding trains, buses and boats. Hell, I'm sure the Security State cowards will rail to have body scanners and gropers installed at the entrances of shopping malls.

Please, members of the Bend Over and Take It Brigade, take you're quivering, frightened, passive, compliant, eager-to-please-the-State selves down to your bomb shelters and lock the door.

Enjoy your security.

What did in Tom DeLay

Equation provided by Paul A. Toth

Ambition

Inanem Animum Torqueri Language*

*Empty mind tortured language

Newly uncovered evidence proves that Julius Caesar was assassinated by a lone nut

Historians with a specialty in Ancient Rome have made a startling breakthrough -- definitive proof has finally be found that proves Julius Caesar was not stabbed in the Senate, as previously believed, but shot in the back of the head by a sniper firing from the sixth floor of a vomitorium.

Centuries of debate will be laid to rest and an entire cottage industry surrounding Caesar assassination conspiracy theories will soon be out of business.

Former L.A. District Attorney, Vincent Bugliosi, is said to be completing a 2,000 page book on the subject, tentatively titled I Fucking Told You So!

No word yet on Caesar's lone assassin at this point and no prognostications as to what the lone killer's motive might have been.

Letter to Minister of Transport Chuck Strahl re: body imaging machines in Canadian airports

Dear Mr. Stahl:

I love Canada -- particularly our reputation as peace-keepers and freedom-loving outdoors folks.

We are not paranoid like the United States, though we're not blind to the threats that exist in modern life.

After reading the horror stories about the Transportation Security Administration's debacle with its body imaging machines and "enhanced pat downs" of air travelers in the United States, I'm writing to voice my grave opposition to such machines and molestation of Canadian air travelers in order to board a flight.

I write with particular vigilance because the Conservative government has continually shown contempt for Canadian sovereignty -- handing Marc Emery over to US authorities, providing the names of passengers on flights that aren't even landing in the US, etc. -- and so I fear the Harper government will embrace a needless and harmful crackdown on the Canadian citizenry in the form of full body scanners and enhanced pat downs in our own airports.

An article appeared in April, which stated: "An Israeli security expert told Canadian officials their multi-million-dollar investment in full-body scanners for airports across the country was 'useless' and could easily be hoodwinked by terrorists."

When I fly, it's convenient for me to leave from an American airport. Due to their intrusive body scanning machines and unconstitutional pat downs, I will no longer enter an American airport.

My hope is that Canada will approach the issue of airport security in a rational, measured manner.

The United States had the great misfortune of a compromised head of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, who -- in his last days in the post -- trumpeted the need for full body scanners throughout American airports, only to leave public life, become a lobbyist and take on as a client a maker of body scanner machines.

That was clearly a baldfaced conflict of interest; a decision having everything to do with personal greed and gain and nothing to do with actual security.

I hope the Harper government will not fall prey to the same chicanery.

Because, if it does, I will simply opt not to fly at all. And I know that I am not alone.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton makes surprise visit to Windsor, Ontario

Michael Jerkoff and "How I learned to love body scanners and stop worrying"

TSA's Nude Scanners, Former Homeland Security Head Chertoff, and How Our Government Works

I admire Michael Jerkoff as much as the next guy for his rumored battle against AIDS, but I do not abide Jerkoff's use of his former position with the Department of Homeland Security to shill for unnecessary body scanners in the nation's airports.

The decisions Michael Jerkoff has made to repel gossip about his struggle with AIDS have been laudable, but I can do nothing but shake my head with sincerest disgust his lobbying on behalf of body imaging companies, and profiting, personally, as the rights of air traveling citizens are stripped away.

Jerkoff's oft-whispered battle with AIDS can in no way be compared to the so-called "war on terrorism."

What Jerkoff does on his own time, with his own body, is his business.

But when he turns around and so boldly and egregiously plays upon fears while using his former position of power to make a buck -- that's where I draw the line.

So, hopefully the AIDS rumors will one day go away and Michael Jerkoff will be judged upon his real actions and not those heaped in glowing gossip.

Trials of a Clown

Meet Canada's newest comedian!

Take his wife -- please!

Assistant Crown attorney Paul Alexander is no ordinary comic, so don't expect him to perform in an ordinary comedy club.

No, Mr. Alexander's venue of choice for his antics and whimsy is . . . the courtroom.

He is so serious about his craft that he recently caused a mistrial when when some gloomy-Guses in the jury sent a note to the judge saying a man in the front row of the gallery was making them uncomfortable as he made strange faces during testimony.

Some people just can't take a joke!

Sorry, for those who are weak at heart, maybe Mr. Alexander's performances aren't for you. He pulls no punches. If you're boring on the witness stand, he'll roll his eyes like a Vienna clown. If you're funny on the stand, he'll silently guffaw like a modern day Puccini. If you cry on the stand . . . well, that clown at heart, Mr. Alexander, will do all he can to turn your frown upside down!

The Canadian news is making a very big deal out of the mistrial. Yet again, the Canadian Criminal Justice system is taking itself too seriously and scape-goating a person who's trying to lighten things up.

Regarding the mistrial, Attorney General Chris Bentley said, "I've been involved in the criminal justice system for 30 years, and I can’t say that I’ve heard of a similar circumstance. It’s just very, very unusual."

Well, Mr. Bentley isn't known for his funny bone.

Chief prosecutor John Ayre has launched an investigation. Booo! Well, no one ever accused Mr. Ayre of knowing a good joke when he heard one.

As the Christmas season approaches, Mr. Alexander is going to be in high demand, mugging and clowning at trials across Canada. Book him now or you'll have to wait until next year. This man is in demand!

Stuck in the Middle with You

Article: Airport Screeners: Denied radiation badges?

It's the age-old battle -- the Philistines against the Rabble.

Executives who never come within a hundred miles of the front lines of their operations have always made dim-witted decrees that the powerless front line minions have had to carry out.

It's the same anywhere:

Some hydrocephalic suit at the headquarters of Tim Horton's, for instance, decides the best way to compete with Starbucks is to have Tim Horton's employees introduce themselves and get to know customers through the drivethru speaker in order to recreate that "Starbucks ambiance".

It's about as effective as putting a bow tie on Mr. Goodwrench.

And so the oxygen-starved braintrust of the Transportation Security Administration decided that Michael Chertoff's shilling for body imaging machines in early 2010 constituted a step forward in airport security, and thus decreed that air travelers be subjected to nude (albeit, inverted) photography in order to board flights.

The rat-maze of Janet Napolitano's mind didn't conceive that anyone would have a problem with this.

Had she gone through a body imaging machine and ensured the nude photograph of herself was duly deleted? That she came through with her health intact?

No.

But we live in a "Do as a I say, not as I do" world, so the point is moot.

So, for the growing numbers of air travelers who don't feel comfortable having naked (albeit, inverted) scans of themselves taken and merely trusting that those scans are deleted as the TSA states, a method of hands-on persuasion had to be applied to the air traveling public.

Literally.

In the form of "enhanced pat downs."

Or, as my dates in college used to call it -- molestation.

The cries of wrongdoing from the air traveling public are legitimate. Some travelers have undergone brutal treatment -- psychologically, if not physically as well -- at the hands of TSA agents going about the course of their duties.

And the same old "us vs. them" grudge match has materialized -- one powerless group sniping and fist-shaking at another powerless group.

All while the hydrocephalic Ivy Leaguers sit back in executive suites and congratulate themselves on how they're making the world a better place.

So, I wasn't surprised to see on Gawker TSA Agents Hate Touching Your Junk.

But the powers-that-be retain their power by having the Great Unwashed fight among themselves.

Hence, this awkward ode acknowledging that the individual TSA agents aren't the problem. They've gotten as raw a deal as air travelers.

Yeah, it's got to be terrible being a TSA agent these days.

That said, TSA agents, could you institute some sort of program of shunning aimed at the assholes who do enjoy the humiliation and inconvenience heaped upon travelers?

And if you could, particularly, single-out the true scumbags in your midst, such as the "heads up, got a cutie for you" crowd?

On a completely unrelated note: Can you imagine the pat downs happening before passengers get on flights going out of Vatican City?

Re: Body scanners -- if the US population is for them, then they must be OK

Hurrah for freedom! The People will out!

ABC/WaPo Poll: Americans Support Body Scanners 64% to 32%.

Excellent.

This from a populace that believed George W. Bush's bogus claims that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and Bush's, Dick Cheney's and many other Bushco administration figures who claimed there was a link between Iraq and the 911 attacks.

By September 2003, 70 percent of the US population believed Saddam was linked to the 911 attacks.

Polls expressing the opinion of the least informed populace on the planet are amusing and entertaining, but they are, ultimately, completely unhelpful for basing a case.

Americans are in favor of body scanners until they have to go through one.

Just like they're against government spending -- until it affects their Medicare or Social Security or government contract.

It's all part of being NIMBY Nation. So long as the problem isn't in their backyard, US citizens really don't give a shit.

Slate Magazine: home of jellyfish urinalists who use their bully pulpits to ask everyone to disengage

It's a guilty pleasure, like watching COPS or NBC Nightly News -- every once in a while I read Slate.

I know, I know, it's a rudderless online rag that employs such luminaries as Eliot Spitzer, but once in a while . . . well, hell, I check in.

But guilty pleasure or not, lately I'm wondering if Slate writers aren't a bunch of boot-licking, lock-step conformists whose bowels turn to water at the merest whiff of social or political engagement by the rabble.

There was Timothy Noah in October, with a nonsensical article about why John Stewart's and Stephen Colbert's rallies to Restore Sanity/Keep Fear Alive were a waste of time: Stay Home! The case against the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

Obviously never having read Voltaire or Swift or Twain, Noah wants comedians to make him laugh and politicians to politic.

The idea of anyone in Noah's sphere being more than one thing unnerves him; makes him dyspeptic and goads him into writing foolish articles.

Or, as comedians, Stewart and Colbert have abdicated being citizens, as well.

Noah's got it all wrong -- it's politicians who cease to be mere citizens once they get the job.

Now there is William Saletan and his article The idiocy of airport-scanner "Opt-Out Day."

Opt-Out Day won't have any effect?

From the article: "Ignore these imbeciles. Their plan would clog security lines and ruin your holiday for no good reason. They don't understand the importance of the electronic scans. They're wrong about the scanners' safety. And from the standpoint of dignity, their advice is insane. If you opt out of the scan, you'll get a pat-down instead. You'll trade a fast, invisible, intangible, privacy-protected machine inspection for an unpleasant, extended grope. In effect, you'll be telling TSA to touch your junk."

Does it get any more OBEY, Fall in Line, Do Not Question Your Leaders! than that? I don't think so.

The Transportation Security Administration says the scanners are safe. Government agencies have a terrible track record with being correct when making such statements.

Right after 911, the EPA said it was A-OK for residents around Ground Zero to head home, for buniesses in the area to open and for life to get back to normal.

All proven, bald-faced, egregious lies. Rescuers who worked at Ground Zero after the attacks are almost all sick. Countless residents have become sick over the years.

Why would the TSA behave any differently?

In some parallel universe, I'm sure it's laudable that Slate urinalists have such faith in their fearless leaders. In this world it's laughable.

Also from Saletan's article: "It's hard to know where to start with this idiocy. The body scanners aren't dangerous. Their safety has been certified by the Food and Drug Administration, the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory, and other scientific reviewers."

Oh, well, if the EPA says so.

Despite what the Slate braintrust believes, society needs its satirists and needs its dissenters.

Eight years of George W. Bush's unchecked madness makes the case for Opt-Out Day and rallies to restore reason and keep fear alive.

These things will make a few Slate urinalists uneasy, but really, those OBEY-conformists wringing their hands and hoping everyone would just be nice and staay home, can all go fuck themselves.

Run government like a business!

Finally, government that's being run like a business.

I refer to the fact that members of Congress are now exempt from full body scanners and "enhanced pat-downs", as evidence by Man of the People, John Boehner eschewing the messiness on a recent trip home to Ohio.

According to a New York Times article: "As he left Washington on Friday, Mr. Boehner headed across the Potomac River to Reagan National Airport, which was bustling with afternoon travelers. But there was no waiting in line for Mr. Boehner, who was escorted around the metal detectors and body scanners, and taken directly to the gate."

As with any business, the bosses are always exempt from the rules they impose on others.

So, isn't it reassuring and refreshing to bring that efficiency from private enterprise to work in the stale corridors of government?

If only Wesley Snipes was white and in Colorado, DA Hurlbert could make this all go away

Wesley Snipes Ordered To Surrender For 3-Year Prison Sentence

If only Wesley Snipes was white and had maimed someone with his unpaid taxes in Edwards, Colorado.

Had he been there and done that, sympathetic district attorney Mark Hurlbert would surely be happy to cut him a deal.

After all, being a Repugnican, Hurlbert worships the wealthy.

For instance, when Morgan Stanley fund manager Martin Erzinger ran over a bicyclist with his Mercedes and fled the scene, empathy-filled Hurlbert declined to press felony charges against Erzinger because that would harm Erzinger's employment.

According to a Business Insider article on the matter: "Erzinger manages more than $1 billion in assets. He would have to publicly disclose any felony charge within 30 days, according to North American Securities Dealers regulations."

The answer?

Don't charge Erzinger!

Problem solved!

Hopefully, Hurlbert and the banksters-with-the-hearts-of-gold at Business Insider who so magnanimously supported Martin Erzinger through his rough period, will fly to the defense of Wesley Snipes.

But we don't live in Mr. Hurlbert's perfect world where law and order is dispensed based upon a person's pay cheque.

Hopefully, when the Repugnicans take power in the House of Representatives in January, they'll ram through legislation patterned on Hurlbert's bias so it'll be the law of the land across the 50 states.

If the wealthy can't always escape justice because of their wealth, what's the point of being rich.

And isn't the mere fact of that question being asked the first creep of Socialism?

Obama to Give George H.W. Bush Presidential Medal of Freedom

Obama to Give George H.W. Bush, Warren Buffett Presidential Medal of Freedom

So, President Platitude will award George Bush Sr. the Medal of Freedom.

For what, exactly?

Maybe Bush Sr.'s brave invasion of Panama where CIA drug lord, Manuel Noriega, manned the popcicle stand next to the canal. An invasion that killed more than 3,000 Panamanians, where the US military got a chance to try out some new weapons.

Maybe it was for tanking the economy as all Repugnicans do before leaving office, sending the economy into recession sometime before Clinton took over.

Maybe it's for his role in the Iran/Contra scandal. After all, Barry Seal, America's most prolific drug runner had Bush Sr.'s personal telephone number in his address book. Yeah, the whole drug angle did get a little buried in those so-called "hearings" about Oliver North's grand plan for trading arms for hostages with Iran.

Maybe it is for Bush orchestrating the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan in 1981. After all, "Hinckley was the son of one of George H.W. Bush's political and financial supporters in his 1980 presidential primary campaign against Ronald Reagan; John Hinckley, Jr.'s elder brother, Scott Hinckley, and Bush's son Neil Bush had a dinner appointment scheduled for the next day," according to Wikipedia.

Or, maybe it's for Bush Sr.'s tireless efforts on behalf of the world's warmongers, as he heads-up the Carlyle Group. Shit, he's so dedicated to that Elks-Club-for-genocidal-maniacs that he was having breakfast with Osama Bin Laden's brother, Shafig, on the morning of September 11, 2001. Wow, that is such a coincidence. (Full disclosure: No one at Inside the Hotdog Factory believes Osama Bin Laden had anything to do with 911.)

Maybe it's for learning about freedom and democracy at his father, Prescott's knee -- Prescott Bush who did business with Hitler during World War II. Prescott Bush who, with a gaggle of other traitorous capitalists, attempted to recruit General Smedly Butler to help them overthrow the government of then President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Or, maybe it's all a lot simpler than that.

Maybe George Bush Sr. is receiving that Medal of Freedom for sparing some other American man having to engage in sexual relations with champion arm wrestler -- the Silver Douchebag -- Barbara (nee Pierce) Bush.

TSA combats charges of "invasion" with evasion

The TSA was on the offensive this morning with the help of corporate mouthpiece, ABC's Good Morning America, "making the case for airport security."

In all the complaints and stories of TSA abuse of power, lack of professionalism and charges of security theatre, I've yet to run into an article or an opinion-holder who's saying "We don't need airport security."

What a tiresome, predictable dodge, to avoid charges of abuse and institutional ineptitude by arguing a point that nobody's disputing.

The complaints about the TSA relate to its utter lack of professionalism and the ineffectiveness and intrusion of full body scanners.

Not the least of which the lies surrounding the machine put forth by officials: the images cannot be saved or moved from the machines on which they are viewed.

Lie.

The machines are entirely safe.

Lie.

The people at the machines, monitoring legions of digitally naked passengers are professionals. Well, the laughs from the audience instantly drown out the voice that would pronounce this, too, a lie.

So, the always compliant GMA showed bottles of liquor and knives that have been taken off passengers who'd presumably gone through the full body scans.

The issue at hand is not whether we need airport security. Of course we do.

But is the TSA competent to carry that out?

It doesn't appear so.

See this story: "An Amarillo woman is suing the federal government for intentional infliction of emotional distress after Transportation Security Administration agents allegedly humiliated the woman when her breasts were publicly exposed during an 'extended search' two years ago at a Corpus Christi airport."

And this from the same article: "'One male TSA employee expressed to the plaintiff that he wished he would have been there when she came through the first time and that "he would just have to watch the video,"' the suit said."

Isolated incident?

Doesn't matter. The TSA has simply ignored it -- hence the woman in question having to launch a law suit in order to get any action on the case. The TSA certainly wasn't taking her seriously.

Or this crowd pleaser among the law-and-order bullet heads: "'Stop touching me!' Fury as airport security staff are caught on camera searching a crying three-year-old girl."

We need airport security. The TSA is not providing it.

If we are now experiencing "security theatre" in our airports, I would posit that it's firmly in the genre of travesty.

TSA to take page from successful photo blogs

Rumors abound in the publishing industry that the TSA will take a page from Awkward Family Photos and People of Wal-Mart -- literally.

The TSA is said to be coming out with a coffee table book of collected images from airport body scanners across the United States.

Among the hilarious gems in the TSA's tentatively titled Vacay Scans From America's Airports are images of hermaphrodites, men with three testicles, men wearing women's underwear, women wearing chastity belts and even with sex toys in the darnedest places!

Yes, the TSA told us that all airport scans were deleted soon after being screened in airports, but, oops, they lied.

The TSA has been storing up its funniest scans for it's new TV game show Name That Scan! and for the rumored coffee table book.

After weeks of growing uproar from the traveling public, the marketing arm of the TSA has been pulling out all the stops in order to quell and quiet naysayers and complainers.

If the Vacay Scans From America's Airports is anywhere near as funny as the Awkward Family Photos and Shit My Dad Says are, the TSA may score a PR coup -- and a holiday bestseller.

That is, if the book exists at all . . .

TSA turns PR disaster into "negatunity" with new game show

"Airline passengers who object to any type of physical screening are not going to fly anywhere," says the big, frowny head of the Transportation Security Administration on Tuesday.

Those were the old days.

Well, the statement above is from yesterday, but to the American mind, which has a median memory of three-and-a-half minutes, it's ancient history.

Time to look into the future!

Head of the TSA's public relations outreach announced today the launch of a new game show called Name That Scan!

Three contests will play for cash and prizes.

The object?

TSA airport scans of celebrities will be shown and the contestants must identify who they are.

Celebrities who have thrown their "hats" into the ring are the usual circle of liposuctioned losers, such as America's Sweetheart, Brett Michaels, Steven Tyler, Jessica Simpson, Alice Cooper, Wither Palin (Sarah's uncle-in-law) and many others.

The TSA says, "Our body scanner devices automatically delete the images after they're reviewed."

And the public is like, "Yeah, right!"

So, the scans that don't exist will now headline Name That Scan!, which will be hosted by Howie Mandel.

Germaphobe Mandel has made it a personal crusade that Americans fall in love with airport body scanners as he has.

Name That Scan! will also feature thirty second public service announcements filmed by Mandel standing within an airport body scanner -- to show just how safe and unintrusive they really are.

Janet Napolitano, United States Secretary of Homeland Security, is said to be thrilled with the new game show concept and is sure that it will turn the tide, which has recently risen up against airport body scanners and the TSA in general.

Because, in the words of Napolitano, regarding airport body scanners:

"They protect us from terrorists."

"Air passengers gave up their rights when they bought their airline tickets."

"TSA agents are just doing their jobs."

"Rigorous privacy safeguards are also in place to protect the travelling public."

"The vast majority of travellers say they prefer this technology to alternative screening measures."

And what the hell? If people are going to be crybabies about it, Napolitano has said that people are free to travel by other means.

Like, duh!

Look for Name That Scan! to begin in early December in preparation for Christmas travel so that we can stamp out all of those "Don't Fly" humbuggers!

The Palin family is like The Brady Bunch -- but with guns and ignorance and teen pregnancy

There is little about political "pundits" that interests me.

They're team players, so they'll say anything to make the other team look bad -- true or not.

No discussion of any substance can be had with an ideologue because the conversational math is so easy to calculate that it renders words pointless: Conservatives love rich people, war and finding new ways to dupe and cheat the middle and working class; Liberals love disappointing everyone because they do not possess the courage of their convictions, and when pressed, really don't stand for anything.

Ask a conservative about the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico this summer. "The Gulf had it coming!" the Repugnican will bellow. "Liberals have deliberately weakened the Gulf floor from decades of inaction, and this is the result!"

Liberal reaction to the BP leak in the Gulf: "Generations of sea urchins will never grow up to apply for food stamps," comes the weak, nasally reply from the pinched, bespeckled face. "And the ozone and climate change. The ice in Antarctic will never forgive us!"

And each ideological persuasion professes to be an expert on the other.

For instance, S.E. Cupp in her article Sarah Palin's happiness is what really irks liberals.

Really?

As an imbiber of daily news, I'm irked by Sarah Palin's naked greed, ambition and unvarnished stupidity. That she's a national figure shows just how little it takes to be a national figure.

Maybe she is happy. If ignorance is bliss, Sarah Palin's living in paradise.

The Palin family, of late, seems to fancy itself as The Osmonds for the new millennium.

They're not.

The Osmonds were tiresome, but harmless. They had a spot of talent and didn't stray far from the little they could do well.

Bristol Palin's appearance on Dancing With the Stars, will, I hope, result in the appearance of a new citizen from her birth canal in 9 months. Her vow of "dressing modestly" and the griping of a rightwing conspiracy keeping her on the show -- are what pass for "discourse" in this pathetic age.

And now Sarah Palin's own show. Profile of a Wilderness Quitter. See her trudge around in rubber hip waders as the argument for gay marriage is deconstructed every time her goon of a husband slaps her on the ass.

And hey, look! Willow Palin has hit ideological puberty with a homophobic rant on Facebook -- where all policy should be aired before being made into law.

Those Palins! They're like The Brady Bunch, but with guns and ignorance and teen pregnancy.

S.E. Cupp seems to really know what makes liberals tick. She seems to know a little too well.

Rush Limbaugh, too. If he was as knowledgeable, say, about pedophilia as he is about liberals, I'd view him with even more suspicion than I already do now.

But, as American life proves, year after year, bickering creates jobs.

So, Sarah Palin's happy, liberals can't stand it and the working stiffs of the great ole USA voted their velvety tormentors back into Congress.

Jimmy Wales and the power of "crazy eyes"

Look into the eyes of multi-millionaire, Jimmy Wales.

He's trying to hypnotize you.

For some reason, people making public pleas believe that "crazy eyes" show conviction, passion, integrity.

Jimmy Wales looks like he's in danger of becoming a Scientologist.

This image of him looks like it was taken three seconds after his financial advisor told him all his money was tied up with Bernie Madoff, followed by an adnoidal, "Gotcha!"

These are the eyes of someone about to ask you to do something you don't want to do.

Like support an online encyclopedia that any wingnut in a coldwater flat with an Internet connection can edit.

I realize we live in a Fox News post-fact world where everyone is entitled to their own facts, right or wrong, so I guess Jimmy Wales should get your money.

Give it to him.

If for no other reason than he looks like he'll run nude through a shopping mall without it, while singing the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

TSA: Trolls, Sleazes & Assholes

Thank you, Orville and Wilbur Wright. I've made some use of your most famous invention, but I think I'm done.

It's security theater. The minimum wage drones in their uniforms, groping everybody's crotches, aren't keeping anyone safe.

In fact, the TSA's own action belie this face: TSA Employee Was Busy Pranking Passengers With Fake Bags of Coke Instead of Testing New Security Equipment.

While TSA maintains that scanning passengers 625 million times a year is safe and their privacy is protected, it is revealing that Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has not publicly subjected herself to the examination foisted on everyone else

We spend my child's whole life telling him that only mom, dad and a doctor can touch you in your private area, and now we have to add TSA agent and that's just wrong," he told Reuters. "At some point the terrorists have won

For the First Time, the TSA Meets Resistance

Airport security in America is a sham—“security theater” designed to make travelers feel better and catch stupid terrorists. Smart ones can get through security with fake boarding passes and all manner of prohibited items—as our correspondent did with ease

Local man claims TSA pat-down went too far

Until November 1,2010 TSA was only molesting the women that had to go through secondary screening. Now anyone going through secondary is being groped

[T]he Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg revealed, TSA workers told him directly that they refer to the new body scanner devices as “dick measurers,” and that the more aggressive groping measures had nothing to do with security and were in fact instituted solely to force people to choose the scanner over the pat down

Air rage never kept me off a plane.

A month after 911, I flew overseas for my honeymoon.

Even the cramped legroom and recycled farts circulating through the cabin air did deter me.

But risk cancer or a sound groping at the hands of a TSA Neanderthal so I can fly to Vegas and lose my shirt or fly to Florida so I can get lost on the highways in a rental? Fuck it.

Cruise Deplorable!

"That's what you get when you loot" -- US military's idea of winning hearts & minds in Iraq

Bush Family Thanksgiving, circa 1959

Tender moments in the Bush family.

The Bush household was abuzz with delight and excitement on this, the most American of holidays.

The grand dining table was set, looking ready to for the Queen of England or Grandpa Prescott's old business partner, poor Herr Hitler.

Being a large family, Barbara and George Sr. had many rules and protocols for the children to follow.

One of the older children was selected to pour the wine.

One of the boys was chosen to sit at the right hand of his father.

And another child was chosen to go into the Family Room and select the "guest of honor."

To look at them in later years, no one would have suspected that George Sr. and Barbara Bush had once been randy newlyweds. They copulated prodigiously, producing the brood who would be corporate executives, state governors and even president of the United States.

But there was an even larger brood who would never take part in the Bush Dynasty.

There was a contingent of Bushes who lived in luxury, but never found their way out of the Family Room, except on certain holidays.

These were the dozens of fetuses preserved in formaldehyde in large specimen jars.

George Sr. loved rough sex, particularly inserting foreign objects into his wife's birth canal. Under normal circumstances, this merely made for a night of great pleasure. But times when Barbara was pregnant, it caused unwanted complications, usually ending with a baby-ferret-sized fetus emerging from between Barbara's legs, skewered on the fireplace poker George Sr. was using on her.

Stillborn, accidentally aborted, or merely "off" like George W., these creatures were still Bushes and they were treated as Bushes -- lining the cherry wood shelves of the Family Room, illuminated by soft lights that rose and fell in brightness as each day progressed.

And one of them joined the family at each holiday dinner.

There was Fay, Boregard, Steen, Prescott II, Evelyn, Constance, Shay, Rush, Leicester, Barbara I, Barbara II, Barbara III, Werner, among many others.

Each had cherubic, Venutian faces, closed eyes and a certain unfaltering tranquility about them as they floated in chemical oblivion.

George W. loved the Family Room. His father always told him, "There's nothing more important than family . . . after money, power, prestige, vengeance and looking good, of course."

He slowly inspected the shelves filled with jars; the inanimate Bush-things seeming completely unaware of his presence. It was like being in a room filled with frozen ghosts. George W. would've spoken quietly to them, but he sometimes had nightmares about being in the Family Room and the little eyes within the jars suddenly opening, and little hands pushing the lids off and tiny arms hoisting small, deformed, inchoate bodies from their jellid resting place.

So, he looked at them in silence. He couldn't tell which were girls or which would have been boys, just by looking. There were plaques with names on them before each jar, which indicated gender.

George W.'s favorite fetus was Boregard -- because he had a big head. George W. fancied Boregard would've been a scientist or some kind of big thinker with a head like that. The word "hydropcephalic" was not part of George W.'s vocabularly at that time. In fact, "hydropcephalic" would never be a part of his vocabulary.

He hefted Boregard in his jar down from the shelf. Feeling the weight of it in his arms, George W. fancied Boregard would have been a great football player.

When he returned to the dining room, the family was seated at the table: Neil and Marvin, Momma and Poppa, Dorothy, Jeb and Great Granny Booba Pierce, who sat there in a fog of incontinent dementia.

"Oh, so we have Boregard join us, again," said George Sr.

No one noticed Barbara bristle at the memory of Boregard's emergence in the world after a lengthy S&M beating her husband gave her while wearing a leather gimp mask and a clothes pin on his penis.

"Set your brother at his place," George Sr. said. George W. obeyed.

* * *

The Bush family was just being served the fifth course of their meal by their black servants when four year old Neil and three year old Marvin became animated.

George Sr. was just reaching for the riding crop he kept in a specially made holster on his mahogany chair, when one boys pulled the table cloth, clattering dishes, spilling glasses of wine -- and sending Boregard and his jar crashing to the parquet floor.

The slowness of the jar's fall reminded George Sr. of the time he crashed his bomber plane in World War II, and ejected, sending the rest of his men to their watery graves.

The heavy jar cracked in two like an egg.

The odor of formaldehyde-pickled humanity rose in the room.

"Cinco de Mayo!" shouted Great Granny Booba Pierce, for no reason at all.

The first emotion George Sr. felt was anger, then rage, then fury, but each was stomped out by his overriding pragmatism.

He slapped Neil and Marvin out of the way and picked up the rubbery corpse of Boregard.

The site of the glistening dead thing made Barbara faint -- actually, she only pretended to faint because she knew the sexual frenzy the sight and feel of the dead fetus would arouse in her husband and she wasn't about to defile the hallowed day by succumbing to his desires. Then she remembered that he had no qualms about raping her in her sleep, so she quietly crawled under the expansive dining room table.

"Want me to take care of that, Mr. Bush?" one of the servants said.

George Sr. wheeled on the servant, slapping him away. "No," George Sr. roared.

He looked at the malformity in his hands, then looked at the dining table in disarray.

He swept the turkey and gravy boat from the dining table, and then held Boregard aloft.

"This is a Bush!" he shouted. "You don't throw a Bush in the garbage!"

"I was only gonna bury him in the yard," said the cowering servant, whom George Sr. had struck.

"You don't bury a Bush!" George Sr. glared at his children and grandmother-in-law. "A Bush is a Bush!"

George Sr. then took a bite of Boregard as though he was something from a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The children screamed, but their father -- face smeared brownish with fetus innards -- told them to remain in their seats.

He tossed a leg to George W. and an arm to Jeb. They feasted reluctantly.

When George Sr. finished disemboweling Boregard with his teeth and tongue, he tossed the emptied carcass onto the plate in front of his grandmother-in-law. She put the carcass on her head and declared, "I am a Daughter of the American Revolution!"

George Sr. fell to his knees and fumbled his penis out of his pants. He masturbated profusely and moments later ejaculated, unknowingly, into the face of his hiding wife.

* * *

The Bush family continued bringing jars out of the Family Room on holidays and occasions. Traditions die hard.

Servants, however, do not.

Every servant working Thanksgiving 1959 was executed and their bodies disappeared by George Sr.'s friends in the Central Intelligence Agency.

As they hefted the last of the body-bagged corpses into the unmarked cargo van, George Sr. had said to them, "I owe you one, boys."

No one answered. Not until George Sr. received a telephone call weeks before another Thanksgiving -- Thanksgiving of 1963.

The Blowhard Diet Syllogism

Proving, yet again, that his ignorance spans more topics than are found in the Encyclopedia Britannica, King Contin spoke recently about his ideas regarding diet and exercise having no relationship to one's weight and health:

From EIB (Errors and Increased Bullshit): What have I told you about diet and exercise? Exercise is irrelevant.... "How do you know all this?" One of the reasons I know what I know is that I know liberals, and I know liberals lie, and if Michelle Obama's gonna be out there ripping into "food desserts" and saying, "This is why people are fat," I know it's not true. "Rush, do you really believe that? It's that simple to you, liberals lie?" Yes, it is, folks. Once you learn that, once you come to grips with that, once you accept that, the rest is easy. Very, very simple. Now, my doctor has never told me to restrict any intake of salt, but if he did, I wouldn't. I'd just spend more time in the steam or the sauna sweating it out.

Rush Limbaugh appears to be saying that:

Liberals lie.

Liberals say diet and exercise impact a person's weight and health.

Therefore, diet and exercise have no impact on a person's weight and health.

OK.

Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict.

Rush Limbaugh is a conservative radio talkshow blowhard.

Therefore, all conservative radio talkshow blowhards are drug addicts.

I think I have the hang of this.

Sean Hannity runs a scam charity said to benefit war veterans and their families, but really enriches Hannity, alone.

Sean Hannity works at Fox News.

Therefore, everybody who works at Fox News runs a scam charity said to benefit war veterans and their families, but in fact, only enriches themselves.

I think I've invented a new palor game!

Ted Nugent and Rush Limbaugh were eligible for military service during the Vietnam War, but both dodged that service by gaming the system.

Ted Nugent and Rush Limbaugh are pro-war conservatives.

Therefore, all conservatives are cowardly chickenhawk hypocrites who don't have the courage to live up to their own self-professed convictions.

This game has all of the innate, irrefutable logic of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Not even Aristotle could argue that if one of those bottles should happen to fall, there'd be anything other than 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

The United States of Double Standards

Two snippets from recent news stories in the U.S.:

From The Huffington Post: A Morgan Stanley wealth manager will not face felony charges for a hit-and-run because Colorado prosecutors don't want him to lose his job.

And:

From ThinkProgress: 5th Circuit Rules That High School Cheerleader Is Required To Cheer For Her Alleged Rapist

One man gets away with hit-and-run because he's got a very good job. The student athlete accused of raping a 16 year old girl should have been suspended from school athletics until an inquiry conducted, but was not in this case because the accused was "a star on the school's football and basketball teams."

It's not that the high school officials had no respect for rules, it's just that they were very selective as to which rules to impose. So as not to dent the concentration of a star athlete, school official chose to enforce the rules pertaining to the cheerleader, whom the the three-judge panel said in a Sept. 16 ruling: "In her capacity as cheerleader, [the victim] served as a mouthpiece through which (the district) could disseminate speech - namely, support for its athletic teams".

Then there is Mr. Martin Joel Erzinger in Colorado, who enjoys such gainful employment with Morgan Stanley, that prosecutors run in fear of leveling felony charges against him because the man is a fund manager with more than $1 billion under his control.

Never mind that he ran down a physcian who was out bicycling and promptly fled the seen leaving his victim for dead.

According to The Huffington Post: "District Attorney Mark Hurlbert says it wouldn't be wise to prosecute Erzinger -- doing so might hurt his source of income. Here's Vail Daily: 'Felony convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in Mr. Erzinger's profession, and that entered into it . . . When you're talking about restitution, you don't want to take away his ability to pay.'"

Tell me that America is not a Club Med for the rich and well-connected.

In what bizarre parallel universe do such cases make any earthly sense?

Maybe all of the pollution from all the factories in the Great 48 have culminated to create a pervasive oxygen-replaced that is two-parts Lysergic acid diethylamide and two-parts Nitrous oxide.

Update

No Charges Against Bill Gates' Dad in Hit-and-Run

The PR impairment of Democrats and their supporters is pervasive and debilitating as a mental form of influenza

There's something about members and supporters of the Democratic party in the United States that manifests itself like an intellectual disability.

PR impairment; something like media perception dyslexia.

TV commentator Keith Olbermann was recently suspended indefinitely from his show, Countdown, after it was learned by his bosses that he'd made cash donations to some Democratic candidates during the 2010 mid-term election.

Apparently, NBC -- Olbermann's boss -- has rules against this.

It never ceases to amaze me how tone deaf Democrats are. Bill and Hillary Clinton were two of the savviest political maneuverers of the modern age, and the number and stupidity of their PR missteps over the years -- Bill's chronic infidelity and baldfaced lying, Hillary's lies about being under fire in Bosnia, as just two examples that are top of mind -- have been staggering to observe.

President Platitude in the Oblong Office came to power amid a groundswell of support, only to gear into anti-climax as quickly as possible by appointing corrupt, tainted and compromised people to his administration like Rahm Emmanuel and Tim Geithner, among others.

The only "change" President Platitude brought to the Blanc House was the name-plates on office doors.

Friends and advocates of Keith Olbermann have been in overdrive pointing fingers at Fox News, which apparently does not have the same rules about campaign contributions made by its commentators.

There is no lamer defense than pointing at one's adversary and crying, "Well, they do it too!"

Yes, Fox News' Sean Hannity is a firstclass, soulless shyster.

Yes, he donated thousands of doors to Republican candidates, in much the same fashion as Olbermann. Yes, Hannity runs a cynical and crooked "charity" that claims to aid US war veterans, but in fact only enriches Hannity and his friends, family and cronies.

The technicality that allows Hannity to do such things -- aside from being a completely abhorrent human being with utterly no conscience -- is that he's not part of the "news" arm of Fox News. He's part of the "entertainment" arm.

No one considers Hannity to be a journalist, least of all his employer.

That aside, pointing at the locus of media corruption, false-reporting, fear-mongering and simple, venal greed, does not bolster Mr. Olbermann's case.

How could a man so seemingly intelligent and well-thought-out, as Mr. Olbermann, be so patently stupid, so PR impaired, and so gawddamned hypocritical as to donate cash to Democratic candidates, one of whom was on Countdown the very evening Olbermann gave money to the candidate's campaign?

So, Mr. Olbermann has been taken off the air indefinitely.

Shouting about Fox News' corruption and multifarious conflicts of interest does nothing to aid Mr. Olbermann's position.

Keith Olbermann was wrong. NBC had the rules on the books to make it official.

Being a hopeless parade of weak, inept, bland, vapid -- even the tired old "wishy washy" insult applies to these disciples of permanent disappointment -- Democrats will never grow balls, never develop a spine, never muster anything approaching character. They are the perfect foils to the Republicans' image as political wife-beaters, brutes, war-mongers and chicken hawks.

And thus, there is no point advising Democrats to try and do a better job of managing the continuous war of perception in the media.

No point, whatsoever.

Unless it can be proven that Olbermann didn't make those political contributions or that NBC made up the rule that took him off the air after they learned of those contributions, Keith Olbermann should retire to one of his homes and rethink his approach to being a public figure who makes his living pointing fingers in every direction except his own.

A special message from David Carradine

Hi, I'm David Carradine and I'm here to talk to you about the 2010 edition of The Darwin Awards.

"What are The Darwin Awards?" some of you may ask.

The Darwin Awards recognizes the zany way in some people have died throughout the year.

Or, as its fun-loving Web site states: "Where Evolution Hits the Pavement"

For instance:

"A handicapped man, annoyed that an elevator closed and departed without him, thinks it over before ramming his wheelchair into the doors not once, not twice, but three times in all--only to plunge down the now-empty elevator shaft to his death."

Wow! How stupid can you get?

Or:

14 August 2010, Kentucky | Kelita H. was travelling "at highway speed" in her Chevy, cruising down Country Road 519 with the wind blowing through her hair, when she and her passenger decided to swap seats. In this situation, a less hasty person would stop the car for a "Chinese fire drill" but Kelita was a little more creative than that. Fortunately, you see, her car had an open T-Top.

She stood up, pulled herself onto the roof, and she fell. And then Kelita was travelling solo "at highway speed" down that country road.

The Fayette County Coroner's Office reported that the 20-year-old died from injuries sustained while impacting a guardrail.

OMG! I think I would've just waited for the next rest stop, but maybe that's just me.

The Darwin Awards is America's Funniest Home Videos meets Faces of Death -- there's something for everyone!

Be sure to buy the deluxe leatherbound edition for your loved ones. Christmas just isn't Christmas without The Darwin Awards under the tree.

I should know. I'm not only a fan, I'm also an entry from 2009.

"Good" is just another four-letter word to Lil Wayne

It's the line that could send a brilliant rap career down in flames: "He started a year long sentence in March but got time off for good behavior . . ."

In an industry where "street cred" is everything, good behavior doesn't sell records, which is raising the cloud of controversy over the release of rapper Lil Wayne yesterday from Rikers Island.

Dwayne Carter Jr., who performs under the moniker "Lil Wayne," has some explaining to do after being released months early from a year-long prison sentence for weapons possession.

The rap advocacy group, TrufeNow-Duh, is demanding answers about whether the rumor is true that Lil Wayne got time deducted from his sentence for "good behavior."

While "good behavior" is something that's usually cultivated and encouraged in people, it's like strichnine poison to rappers.

"I rather go on the subway wi' no pants than 'behave good,'" explained Sove Drank, TrufeNow-Duh president.

Back in the halcion days when Lil Wayne was first arrested, there was no question that he was rotten to the core. Even among rappers, he wask known for being "way out."

Having duly turned his face and body into a tattoo artist's doodle pad, Lil Wayne appeared to have all the cred a man could carry.

But in recent days, that cred has come into question.

For those who are not rap initiates, it's all a question of badness.

The subject was best explicated in the Michael Jackson music video for his 1987 song "Bad."

In the video, Daryl -- played by Jackson -- is a ghetto kid who has returned to the neighborhood on a break from the private school he attends. It's clear early on that he no longer fits in with his old friends -- one of whom is played by Wesley Snipes.

At one point, Snipes' character challenges Daryl, saying, "You ain't down with us no more, you ain't down, you ain't bad!"

To which Daryl retorts: "You ain't bad! You ain't nothing!"

The question to Lil Wayne is, are you still down? Are you bad?

Did you get time off for good behavior or did you ain't?

"Faith is believing in something nobody in their right mind would believe" -- Archie Bunker

The wheels really came off the cart in Windsor, Ontario this week when it was reported that a Virgin Mary statue standing in front of a private residence was seen to be "weeping."

It didn't take long until the faithful (read: people who require psychiatric attention) showed up en masse to pray, trample a neighbor's lawn and observe the homespun hocus pocus for themselves.

The Windsor Star shed more ink on this non-story than when Queen Elizabeth II or Vincent Price visited the city in years past, devoting three day's worth of front page stories to this bizarre, pathetic display in a bland, subdivision; Garvey Street in the Remington Park neighbourhood of East Windsor.

Today, The Windsor Star actually had a live Webcam feed on its Web site of Weeping Virgin Mary fracas. Little could be seen other than the hunched forms of the frail of mind and body as they filed past the cheap, indifferent statue, which was distinctly not weeping.

Now, the proprietor of the crying Mary is crying foul. She wants the faithful to find their own miracles, locate other shrines. The praying hordes are ruining her neighbors' lawns and the city has given the resident until Nov. 19th to remove Mary from her perch in the front yard.

A net should be thrown over the entire sorry scene, and all the gawking, hand-wringing, dull-eyed parishioners who crawled out of the woodwork studied and monitored in safe, controlled laboratory conditions.

From the midst of this well-timed strangeness (coming on "All Saints' Day") have come a couple of insights:

(1) Canadians can now identify who, exactly, has been voting Stephen Harper and his apostles back into successive minority governments;

(2) The Windsor Star will expend no end of resources on a patent non-story, and has provided its many detractors with real ammunition to use against it.

Helpful pictographs follow this article:

Kampbellford Kostume Kontest

When I looked for Kampbellford on Google Maps, I had to expand the view several times in order to see where, exactly, the tiny pimple of a municipality was located in the great province of Ontario.

It was there, though. I found it. Had a Gawd's eye view of the little place.

Like most Canadians, I had never heard of Kampbellford until news of a Hallowe'en party and kostume kontest at their Royal Canadian Legion Hall.

Two men, one dressed as a member of the Ku Klux Klan, the other in black face with a noose around his neck, not only attended the festivities in such tasteless garb, they were actually awarded first prize in the kostume kompetition.

According to a newspaper article on the incident, "Most Legion members are concerned the controversy has erupted during its most important campaign to sell poppies. They worry this will reflect on the Legion and affect sales."

Although I do not think the incident should negatively affect poppy sales -- though, in a town of 3,200, how many do they sell? I imagine that 10 poppies are sold and the townsfolk take turns wearing them.

I do, however, heartily advocate the immediate defunding of all Kampbellford ignorance programs.

Clearly, the citizens of Kampbellford are quite advanced in the field of ignorance and social insensitivity, and I believe the Province's resources could be put to better use funding other regions where ignorance is much less pervasive.

If there is a bright spot in this terrible story, it's that maybe some Kampbellford residents could be put to work spreading their ignorance in other communities.

Also, I think we have found the first target market for "Fox News North."

Late Breaking News

Prime Minister Stephen Harper is making an unexpected visit to Kampbellford to kommend them on their kommunity and how they uphold konservative values.

Konservative MP Luke Stone was to accompany Mr. Harper, but he had a prior kommitment to attend a kross burning.