Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Latest Conspiracy Theory: Oil Company Profits Are Linked to High Prices - Yeah, Right!

There is absolutely no relationship between high prices of a given product, and the profits enjoyed by the maker of that product. Just as there is no relationship between a bullet being fired through the heart of a human being, and that human dying; and no relationship between fighting unjustifiable foreign wars, and the level of international hatred directed at countries who launch bloody, pre-emptive actions based on lies. These are conspiracy theories of the most damaging stripe and vintage.

Anyone who disagrees with this should shut up and buy a Hummer.

Just as Jesus Christ and God the Father created the universe guided by the mother-of-all-DIYs, Intelligent Design, so too has the Holy Spirit filled our corporate leaders to create an economy based on Intelligent Design.

Trust them. God does.

Gallery of Economic Martyrs

Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Officer Lee Raymond

Chevron CEO David O'Reilly

ConocoPhillips CEO James Mulva

BP America President Ross Pillari

Shell Oil Co. President John Hofmeister


Robert F. Walsh said...

"Trust them. God does."

Great line, Matt!

However, I have to admit: I bought Mobil stock years ago before it split more often than legs at the Bunny Ranch. When Mobil merged with Exxon, I was close to seeling on principle over Valdez. Now, years later, it's my dirty little secret in an otherwise underperforming portfolio; the retarded cousin that won the lottery. As sickened as I am at the myriad horrors that our current administration has inflicted upon us, it took all I had just to stop the dividend reinvestment. Remember the coal that Santa used to put in the stockings of the bad little boys and girls? Turns out it's worth a fortune, and the bad kids never had it so good!

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

Hilarious point about the coal!

Shit, you'd be silly to feel guilty about buying Mobil stock and it doing well. The chips are so stacked against ordinary people, we have to do anything we can -- short of pulling heists -- to get ahead, or just keep our heads above water.

Knowing the miscreants are, in some small way, buoying the good soul of Robert F. is good news to me.