Friday, August 27, 2010


Reddit hates my shit. I don't give a fuck.

Breaking news! Reddit admins must be in bed by 9 p.m. tonight and no TV for the whole weekend!

Word came down from the highest, cloud-laden, bonus-bloated echelons of Conde Nast, the admins will also no longer have use of the company Oldsmobile until further notice. And aside from work, no computers.

Their corporate overlords have come down upon these poor adminions with both feet!

You know, being bought up by Conde Nast really sounds good, on the surface. They once made an offer for Inside the Hotdog Factory, which I turned down. Being an eccentric multi-millionaire, I didn't need their money -- and, apparently, Conde Nast's continual proctological-micro-managing culture.

But for guys like the Reddit admins, I would have thought it'd be a good thing. Something to celebrate, even.

In practice, though, Conde Nast treats Reddit like Cinderella, like Joan Crawford treated her adoptive children. And now this embarrassing fiasco that makes the admins looks like a bunch of twelve year olds.

To their credit, I think the admins have rallied well and handled the situation graciously and admirably. But beyond that, it's more than a little sickening seeing the guys who created such a great site being treated like assistant janitors.

But, hey, they signed the deal with Conde Nast(y).

Reddit wasn't purchased by Conde Nast, it was adopted and turned into the Oliver Twist of social news sites

Even Rupert Murdoch knows, you don't buy a business to tank it. When media gargoyle News Corp. purchased The Wall Street Journal, Murdoch (if he can be believed) said he had no intention of turning it into the print edition of Fox News.

Conde Nast didn't so much buy, as it adopted it and made it the red-haired bastard child of its media brood.

Conde Nast won't give Reddit any allowance money with which to buy a few more servers.

Conde Nast won't put a few bucks in Reddit's birthday card so a few more programmers can be hired (OK, I've seen the "Now Hiring" on Reddit, but I'd bet a Starbucks barista would earn more than that position will pay).

Conde Nast won't allow Reddit to use the car (in this case, Conde Nast-owned images).

What else explains the Oliver Twist treatment Reddit gets from Conde Nast?


And now Reddit can't even run ads promoting the legalization of marijuana.

Of course not.

Gray-haired-love-withholding-daddy, Conde Nast, won't let Reddit do anything that's fun!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Seiko's Brainy Wipe -- wipe out mediocrity one square at a time!

For too long, our culture has been a Petri dish of mediocrity. Our digital life has steadily robbed people of IQ points with every press of a gadget's button.

Things have become so dire, 7 out of 10 people don't even read while on the toilet.

Is civilization just going to slide away from under our feet? Not if Seiko can help it!

Introducing Seiko's Brainy Wipe toilet paper dispenser. It's fun for you and your household; a barrel of laughs with your friends; and a sure way to start jamming IQ points back into the skulls of those you love.

It's easy!
  1. Place a roll of toilet paper within Seiko's patent pending ionized alloy dispenser tube.

  2. Set the dispenser's math skill solving level at either Novice, Junior Einstein, Showoff or Genius.

  3. Solve the math problem presented on the quartz crystalline screen and receive a square of toilet paper.
"Hey, what if I can't figure out the answer," a voice asks from the back row.

Then you don't get a square of toilet paper.

"But then . . . I'll be stuck," croaks the back row voice.

Yes, you will be.

So, dust off those brain cells or make Immodium milkshakes a new part of your daily diet.

You don't have the answer, you don't get a square!

There'll never be another stupid shit in your rest room -- guaranteed!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Dr. Laura N-Word booth at your local shopping mall

Dr. Laura's N-Word Rant: Radio Host Apologizes For Offensive Language

If you, like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, have the n-word in your heart, don't keep it locked up!

Coming soon to a shopping mall near you is the Dr. Laura N-Word Booth!

Don't be fooled by imitations! Authentic Dr. Laura N-Words Booths are easily identifiable with the naked picture of a young Dr. Laura emblazoned on the door.

First Amendment always guaranteed
As Dr. Laura pointed out on The Larry King Show, Americans' First Amendment rights aren't limited simply to speech, they guarantee all comments -- whatever they are -- not be questioned or criticized.

Otherwise, what good is free speech if someone else can simply disagree with you?

That's never a worry in the Dr. Laura N-Word Booth!

Enter this inviting sound-proof womblike chamber and express the inner workings of your heart free from small, disagreeing minds.

Friendly faces
A number of slideshow audiences are available at the click of a button.

In moments you'll have a virtual audience of sympathetic faces to ensure the most important part of your First Amendment rights is not abridged -- the guarantee that people will agree with and love whatever you have to say!

Have the Jews got you down?
Don't worry! This guy sure knows how you feel!

Hey, nobody's perfect, so why not criticize those imperfections in the comfort and style you've come to expect from Dr. Laura.

This world would be a better place if we would simply speak what's in our hearts.

Department of Homeland Security Compliance
In compliance with federal law that dictates all conversations by Americans be recorded, a copy of your N-Word Booth visit will be made. But don't worry! Dr. Laura N-Word Booths are all about your privacy! We will never lend or lease or otherwise share the contents of your N-Word Booth rant!

Next time you're in the mall and you've got the N-word welling in your heart, don't keep it all bottled up! Find the nearest Dr. Laura N-Word Booth and enjoy your freedom!

All guarantees are null and void once Dr. Laura N-Word Booth user leaves the booth. Fee to use booth is $15.95/minute. Local law enforcement will be apprised of the contents of users' monologues, as will the Internal Revenue Service, Federal Bureau of Investigation, along with other unnamed and as yet to be named federal authorities, bodies and agencies.

Post Script
The foul liberal media has been circulating this unflattering photograph of Dr. Laura since she made news for letting the N-word out of her heart while live on the air. This is not how Dr. Laura's legions of fans know and remember her:

This is how we envision the Princess of the Mic, the Queen of Sass, the greatest God-fearing psychological doctor of psychological disorders to ever don a pair of headphones:

Take that Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The 2010 Neckties Wars is Heating Up!

Reigning Tight Necktie champ, Glen Stencil, has run into some real competition this year!

Known since 2004 as The Guy With the Tightest Necktie in the Boardroom, Stencil has had to contend with new kid on the block, W.B. Royal, who came onto the scene with a tie tied to an incredible 120 psi, topping Stencil's previous record of 113 psi.

Overshadowing W.B. Royal's record-setting entry, however, was flash-in-the-pan Xtreme tight-tie-wearer, Rick Cransbough, who took Tight Necktiedom by storm earlier this year with a punishing 122 psi necktie knot.

Unfortunately for Cransbough, he "tightened up more than he could wear" and unceremoniously expired during a strategy touch base meeting mere hours after entering the competitive Tight Necktie arena.

As followers of the Tight Necktie Derby know, a tight necktie wearer must wear his tight necktie for at least one week to be counted as a contender for the Year's Tightest Necktie. Cransbough made a showy, foolhardy effort, and is yet another casualty in this highly volatile competition.

The real news of the Tight Necktie world is Shim Wallach who has made a consistent showing in numerous year-end round-ups of Tight Necktie wearing over the years. This year, he made a push for headlines by tightening his necktie to 115 psi on Valentine's Day. And who could forget when he tightened his tie to 118 psi on June 21st, day of the Summer Solstice?

Wallach has made headlines for years in the Tight Necktie Derby, back when most of the current Years' Tightests were still in sneakers and tightening their shoelaces and belts.

There was the Knot of 1979 with which Wallach broke the 105 psi barrier with an Argyle Wool tie that set the Tight Necktie world on its ear. He was outdone in the final month of the Derby by Ted Gladhouse, who took the Tightest title that year, but Wallach was the sentimental favorite, hands down.

Then came the 1980s when a group of young upstarts appeared on the scene sporting trendy "thin" neckties when the 110 psi barrier was breached by long-forgotten One-Knot-Wonder, Brian Cedar.

By the mid-1990s, Wallach appeared poised to become the Arnold Palmer of Tight Necktie wearing, but a mild stroke brought on by years of tight neckties sidelined the old gladiator for two entire necktie seasons.

When Bill Gallagher came on the scene in 2000 with his Aught Knot, pulled to an incredible 112 psi, it looked like Shim Wallach had been left in the dust. But Gallagher was a redfaced braggart who brought little dignity to Tight Necktiedom. Sure he could knot the knot, but what did it matter when no one wanted to sit next to him during meetings?

Most Tight Necktie aficionados admit they were gratified when class-act Glen Stencil enter competition in 2002 and become the record holder in 2004 with his 113 psi effort. He not only knotted the knot, but brought a renewed gravitas to tight necktie wearers everywhere.

And it appears that class-acts have no expiration date as Shim Wallach makes a final, brave push to gain the title that's eluded him for 44 years of tight necktie wearing.

W.B. Royal certainly hopes Wallach will knot come from behind, but every self-respecting, headrush-dazzled necktie wearer is not only rooting for Wallach to tie Royal's record, but will in fact crush it.

With four months left in the 2010 Tight Necktie Derby, it seems that The Guy With the Tightest Necktie in the Boardroom golden knot is still up for grabs.

Friday, August 13, 2010

500th Blog Post -- Youthanasia: Generation Zero

In a perverse way, there's something gratifying about the way the parents of Generation Zero -- those out utuero beings who are between the ages of 11 and 20 -- have no faith or trust in the institutions of society.

Sort of.

The parents still send their kids to school. Some send their kids to church and a few even to play on sports teams. Old habits die hard. But the parents no longer believe anyone but themselves is infallible.

Their kid does badly on a test -- it's the teacher's fault.

Little baby Jeezus doesn't do well in sports -- the coach is deficient.

"Mini me" is getting fat -- he or she isn't getting enough exercise at school!

Smiling shiny Johnny gets a job in an office, but the big, bad boss denies him access to Facebook -- time for Captain Parent to make a few phone calls!

Like George Carlin, I'm an entropy fan. It's interesting and entertaining for me to see the old structures breaking down.

What I can't stand is denial.

Parents want to raise their kids in anti-bacterial little hives of hugs and cookies and endless, empty praise, where they're free to do whatever they please. But let's not have any illusions about what the end result will be: full-grown, whining, useless, over-indulged blobs.

Parents who grew up in an era of rules and responsibility have systematically dismantled all those troublesome character-building demands of daily life, like homework, detentions -- like just about any form of discipline that used to make a school an actual place of education.

Among their greatest victories is the abolishment of kids failing a grade; being held back to repeat a grade due to poor performance.

The reasoning is that it will negatively affect kids socially.


I think striving, competitive yuppie parents can't deal with being the parents of a kid who's been held back. It makes for awkward conversation when one's out "to market" or at the tennis club.

And clearly the well-being and welfare of children is not the priority when all the normal tools of discipline are removed from the classroom.

Nowadays, parents can even appeal their kids' suspension.

As a consequence, we've got the bulk of Generation Zero lumbering inexorably toward adulthood where they will become voters (at least, have the ability if they don't actually avail of the right), drivers, drinkers and parents.

Now Teens Say Driving Without Distractions Is Boring.

My central problem with our culture is not only that sanity has become irrelevant, it's increasingly become a liability.