Monday, July 28, 2008

Genocide Games -- Beijing Time Machine

Air quality the enemy of the games.

Sports reporter, Miles Blank, has just returned from the future where he attended the 2008 Genocide Games in Beijing, China. He now presents his report for those sports fans who wish to avoid commercial interruption and nationalistic slant (no pun intended) that usually mar coverage of international games.

Here now is the Blank Report:

Time travel may have caused a growth in the base of my skull to severely metastasize, but it was well worth this slight wrinkle in my mortality to witness the Genocide Games first hand and bring it back to you. Due to high levels of smog, most of the outdoor events had to be viewed via infrared monitors that tracked athletes' body heat because they were not visible from more a few feet from the event areas. Infrared viewing is not an optimum way to experience athletic competition at this level, but it was all that was available.

I suppose I will begin by spoiling the suspense and reporting the winners of events. In a first in Olympic history, the host country swept every medal in every event. It was an unprecedented performance. There was grumbling by malcontents who felt that Chinese athletes had an unfair advantage because they were accustomed to the free-floating sewage their government calls "air." My response is to ask, "What about all the years Chinese athletes competed in countries with clean air? Didn't they deal with that disadvantage in a quiet and dignified manner?" The answer: yes, they did.

So, with the winners out of the way, I will share "next best" results in some of the more high-profile events.

* Rowing teams from Canada, Australia, Estonia were attacked and swallowed by a sea monster, which oceanographers are telling us was exponentially nourished by a strange influx of algae in the competition area in the months leading up to the Genocide Games. All other rowing teams simply disappeared in the smog.

* The fourth place time in the 100 meter sprint competition was 3 minutes 29 seconds, because the Bulgarian runner was unable to see the finish line due to the pollution. Three runners died during the sprint and one disappeared entirely.

* Next best performance in the marathon was a Mexican distance runner who died at the one-mile mark. All other runners died within 200 meters of the Start line, most of their corpses have not yet been found, but a thorough search by U.N. investigators of surrounding restaurants is underway.

* Next best performance in the swimming events was the German swimmer who completed two laps before his body completely dissolved in the free-floating sewage the Chinese call "water."

* In the diving competition, the fourth place finish was a Japanese diver who managed two dives before her skeleton was entirely unsheathed from her flesh by the hard water of the swimming pool.

By the end of the Genocide Games more than 678 athletes died, another 3,000 disappeared, though the Chinese government flatly refutes these figures. In fact, the Chinese government insists that a surplus of athletes is leaving the country: 12,532 athletes arrived in Beijing to compete and 13,144 are leaving -- none of whom are Chinese defectors. "How can you beat that?" asked Chairman Hu Jintao. "Countries are getting their athletes back -- with interest!" Unfortunately, the "with interest" aspect pertains more to the growths, tumors, ganglion and intestinal worms traveling home with athletes.

The Global Association of Respirologists (GAR) touts the Genocide Games as a roaring success -- for business, at least. "We'll be treating these athletes and visitors for asthma, emphysema and lung cancer for decades to come," says Dr. Arthur Mallory, association president. "The Genocide Games should be held in Beijing every year!"

Sam Kolan of Toronto, Canada, one of the few visitors to Beijing who safely returned from the Genocide Games, says, all in all, he enjoyed his visit. "I'm sad, certainly, that my family died during our time in China from smog inhalation and being mistaken in the haze for political dissenters -- and thus shot on the spot -- but the stadium the Chinese built was amazing!" Among other cultural aspects Kolan observed in China was the miracle of its economy: "What's happening in China is truly miraculous. I'm a business man and I think they're really on to something harnessing economic practicality of slave labor. I wish our government in Canada was as progressive!"

The Genocide Games of 2008 were a genuine breakthrough for international relations. Now that irrelevancies, such as human rights and pollution, are off the table when choosing future venues, the list of host country candidates has exploded. Leading candidate sites for the 2016 Games are Darfur, Chile and Libya.

That's the Genocide Games of 2008! I must return to my oxygen tent, but hope you will tune in again for more reports from the future.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Now we'll see if Bill Hicks was right about Jesse Helms: "I always wondered about Jesse's collection of little shoes."

From CNN: "WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Former U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms, a North Carolina Republican who became an icon to conservatives, died Friday at the age of 86, a senior congressional source said."

Comedian Bill Hicks is no longer with us, but he pays tribute to Jesse Helms from beyond the grave in the audio clip posted below. It's a tragedy that Bill lived only 32 years, but given his passion and fury against stupidity, inequality, corruption and greed. I can't see how he would have lasted any longer than he did. In George W. Bush's America, Hicks would have self-immolated on a nightclub stage.

No one lampooned the poor and less fortunate like Jesse Helms, and no one lampooned the likes of Jesse Helms like Bill Hicks.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Draft Evader Makes Good!

I'm honestly happy for Rush Limbaugh, who recently signed a $400 million deal to continue his radio show through the year 2016. From the always-accurate Drudge Report:
The American broadcast industry is rocked, realigned and blasted into a new orbit, yet again, by Rush Limbaugh, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

In what is being described as an unprecedented radio contract, Limbaugh will keep his syndicated show on-the-air and e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e through 2016 with CLEAR CHANNEL and PREMIERE RADIO.

Already host of the most lucrative hours since radio's inception, Limbaugh's total package is valued north of $400 million, according to media insiders.

The NEW YORK TIMES will claim this weekend that Limbaugh, marking 20 years this summer as a national host, has secured a 9-figure signing bonus for the new deal, newsroom sources tell DRUDGE.


In its controversial profile, the TIMES reports that Limbaugh is buying a new G550 jet and is making an estimated $38 million a year.
Look, that's a ton of money that Rush can share with his wife and his numerous children. It makes his evasion of service in the Vietnam war much less reprehensible -- particularly given his rabid support for the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan -- because had he died in Vietnam (and there's no question the blubbery, awkward, myopic, unathletic Limbaugh would have been KIA within his first hours in-country) he would not be setting salary records in the dying industry of radio, nor creating the jobs he has created by staffing his popular show. But God saw fit to bestow on Rush a boil on his ass in the form of pilonidal cyst. Hence, no service in the military. Oh well, that just saved him to do what he was born to do: earn money.

OK, yes, he looks like an utter douchebag when he's fellating a cigar -- I'll give you that. And his radio show has all the journalistic integrity of two dozen clowns springing out of an Austin Cooper. He's virulent, ignorant, hateful and a purveyor of hatred and ignorance. But if you look at him another way, he's merely the McDonald's of political discourse; the R.J. Reynolds of radio. He appeals to the masses, he's poisonous, but he's poisonous in a way that society tolerates. That's why we fought the two World Wars.


Uh, it seems that Rush Limbaugh has no children. This has to be a mistake, so I'll continue researching. Surely, someone as virile and passionate as Rush "Polyorbid" Limbaugh would have dozens of children out spreading the Word of God and GOP. Surely, someone who has been such a bastion of family values, such a purveyor of the Christian-way-of-life would have armies of children. And some character-assassin has posted on the Internet that there are no less than three ex-Mrs. Limbaughs. This absolutely can't be true. Because Rush isn't a quitter. He spent years in broadcasting with people telling him he'd never amount to anything, only to prove every one of them wrong. When it comes to the holy institution of marriage, there's no way you're going to make me believe that Rush would spit in the eye of God by getting a divorce.

So, I will continue to congratulate Rush and his gaggle of children and his loving, devoted wife in their latest flourish of good fortune.