Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Rebuilding Christendom -- You're doing it wrong

I see the purpose of your "Rebuilding Christendom" conference is to "proclaim the politics of Jesus Christ".

You're doing it wrong.

Jesus Christ didn't have a political position.

When asked about taxes, Jesus said to give what is due to Caesar and give what is due to god.

Regarding the wealthy, Jesus said that a business man has as much chance of getting into the Kingdom of Heaven as a camel passing through the eye of a needle.  In other words, zero chance.

Monday, July 23, 2012

When Dealing with the Police -- Canadian Edition

You have the Right . . .

To laugh.

Chances are, you’ll get a “Promise to Appear” citation.

If you are arrested, even better.  That means you’ll go before a Canadian judge.  Canadian judges love raggamuffin people who appear before them.

At best they’ll let you go.  At worst, they’ll give you a tongue-lashing that sounds like something from an Andy Hardy movie . . . and then they’ll let you go.

If the Police Stop Anyone . . .

Know that Canadian street cops are very frustrated with Canadian courts because the judges let everyone go.  Recently, a man who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography was sentenced to 14 days in jail.  A guy found guilty of stabbing two people was sentenced to 30 months in jail.

Unless the person stopped by the cops stabbed someone or was caught with CP, they’re home free.

The cops might be grouchy with you because they know you’re going to walk, no matter what they caught you with.  Be polite and feel secure that their fate -- at worst -- will be in the hands.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Motivational speaker's character-building exercise goes awry

Motivational speaker, Herm Kaleidoscope, is facing tough questions this morning after a character-building exercise in his popular "Align Your Inner Anaconda" weekend retreat went tragically wrong.

The popular author and retreat leader went into the Arizona desert on Friday evening with twenty-four adherents and came out Saturday afternoon with only five of them.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The NRA comments on the deadly Aurora, Colorado cineplex shooting

Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, eyed the reporters gathered at the NRA press conference with his steely, patriot's gaze.

The question that was already causing so much outrage and angst in the NRA was the first to be asked of LaPierre.  Some jellyfish from a New York news bureau asked, "When will the NRA acknowledge that some level of gun contol is needed in this country, given the sorts of preventable tragedies like the shooting at the Aurora, Colorado cineplex?"

Thursday, July 19, 2012

HSBC compliance chief, David Bagely, steps down amid Mexican drug cartel scandal

In a brief statement before U.S. Congressional investigators, Mr. Bagley said, "After bonding with my Mexican bros, I saw how meaningless banking was and decided to follow my bliss to the Choix mountains."

When asked what he would be doing in the Choix mountains, Mr. Bagley said, "I'll be Chief Operating Officer of the Beltr├ín Leyva Cartel's dog fighting division.  I've always had a soft spot for animals."

Friday, July 13, 2012

Outrage Over eBikes in Automotive City

Windsor, Ontario -- known the world over for its contributions to the auto industry and for being one of the most automobile-centric societies on earth.

Much as Windsorites enjoy their motorized, mechanized transportation vehicles, there's a new breed on the road that's causing fear, loathing and outrage.

As though springing from some malevolent alien pod, "eBikes" -- some hellish, moped hybrid of unnatural origin -- have taken to the streets like a plague in Windsor, Ontario .