Friday, January 29, 2010

Ted Haggard Totally Cured of Being Gay, But Still Vomits After Sex with Wife

"The first time it happened," said Gayle Haggard on The Oprah Winfrey Show, "I thought Ted was in the bathroom crying with joy after we had sex. Then I realized he was vomiting."

Ted Haggard, sober and contrite, seated next to his wife, said, "My counselor has told me that this is a type of bulimic-like psychological reaction -- that I experience so much joy making love to my wife, that my body just gets overwhelmed and responds the only way it knows how."

Early in their marriage, it was revealed, Ted vomited copiously while in the act of coitus -- sometimes simply at the moment he saw Gayle naked.

"Ted told me it was some weird sex thing he'd picked in divinity school," Gayle explained. "Not that he'd ever engaged in anything like this, but Ted said he'd heard of people who . . . you know, vomited on one another as a sort of . . . you know, sex thing."

"And you never participated in any such sex games in divinity school?" Winfrey quizzed Ted Haggard.

"No, no, not at all," Ted was quick to reply.

"Ted had heard of such disgusting things," Gayle went on, "and being so divorced -- I mean, being so far away from his own experience, it stuck in his head. And like a song you can't get out of your mind, this disgusting act stayed with Ted and tormented him until he performed the act himself."

Brought in by Skype, on a large in-studio screen, Haggard's personal physician, Dr. Broderick Muntz, commented on his star patient. "It only proves -- all the more -- that Ted's 100 percent man. This involuntary regurgitation has nothing to do with the sex act, but emanates from a rare digestive malfunction that occurs due to over excitement following coitus."

To which Winfrey turned her coal-fire gaze on Ted Haggard once more. "So, other than this small, side-bar affliction, you've been completely cured of being gay?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Haggard said, show enthusiasm for the first time. "Oh yes, without question! Without any question at all! That's all behind me, now!"

1 comment:

biblioasis said...

Read last eve Hedges' American Fascists, and there's a chapter on the church's program of "cleansing" or curing gay males that seemed a bit too absurd and obvious to believe. Surely no one really believes this shit? Hedges must exaggerate, carried away by his polemic? Though perhaps I was too hasty...