Monday, December 29, 2008

Application for Head Coach position with the Detroit Lions

Dear Mr. Ford,

I am writing to apply for the position of Head Coach with the Detroit Lions.

My qualifications are as follows:
  • I dislike professional sports
  • The last Lions game I attended was in 1984
  • I'm not an American citizen
  • I believe football should be played with a dodecahedronal object constructed of paper mache and sheathed in hypo-allergenic carbonate
  • My only athletic experience is three years of water polo
To say that my coaching style is "outside of the box" would be a ridiculous understatement. I believe that applying my water polo experience to the conundrum of the Detroit Lions is the key to their success. I would never take the low road and criticize the person whose position I seek to occupy, but up to now the problem with Lions coaching is that they've had the Lions playing "football." Fifty years of losing proves the Lions are not suited for football. Football is a mystery wrapped in a casing of unknowingness inside an invisible bag hidden in the Grand Canyon. Football and the Detroit Lions cannot occupy the same physical space. It's a law of nature like Occam's Razor.

My approach to coaching could be described as Da Da-esque. Applying the tenets of Jungian water polo, I will turn the Lions' 2008 season into greatest negatunity since the Mesopathians in 63 A.D..

Finally, I am willing to work for the sum of $1, provided that the Detroit Lions buy all of my groceries, pay my mortgage, pay my car, telephone, Cable and other miscellaneous bills, and agree to pay my wife a stipend of $5 million per year.

Let's make the 2009 season like the month of March -- going in like a lion and coming out like a . . . lynx.


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