Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fly the slap-happy skies with Masochistic Airlines

Those other airlines think they make air travel miserable? Lightweights!

Face it, the only people flying these days are masochists. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Since the economy is based upon the creation, manipulation, transfer and hedging of meaningless financial products that nobody owns for more than 15 minutes, it's not like people are traveling for business anymore.

And the recession, Gulf oil leak and the TSA in general, have pretty much ended recreational air travel.

So, the only people flying are the avariciously affluent and the hopelessly masochistic.

Although the introduction of extra fees for carry-on baggage and additional leg room sated masochists at first, there has been outcry from this demographic for more.

For this reason American Airlines, Delta, Northwest and Spirit have pooled their resources into a consortium of premium airline punishment called Masochist Airlines.

On every flight you can expect:
  • Cabin crew of convicted felons and/or mental patients whose insurance ran out -- violent histories are guaranteed!

  • The most exorbitant fees for carry-on luggage

  • No in-flight service

  • No toilet facilities, even on flights to Asia and Australia

  • No recycled air -- count yourself lucky it's even pressurized!

  • Perpetual "petting zoo" odor
So, you're asking yourself, "I can get that on any other flight on any other airline. What makes Masochist Airlines so special?"

In a word: our seats.

Masochist Airlines has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars buying up seats from American military transport planes that formerly shuttled prisoners from Afghanistan to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, complete with their buttocks-butchering spikes.

Are you a masochist who's too soft for mutilation?

No problem! Masochist Airlines will retract the seat spikes for a fee. A big, fat, unjustifiably gross fee.

Air travel has never been so awful! Guaranteed!


Macphisto said...

But will the seats at least have built in toilets?

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

No, the miscreants would have us soil ourselves in the open. There's no end to the outrage!