Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Interview with Prime Minister Stephen Harper

Prime Minister Stephen Harper demonstrating his technique for strangling baby seals.

Inside the Hotdog Factory had the privilege -- nay, the honor -- to be vetted, background checked, cavity searched, Facebook scrutinized in order to sit down with Prime Minister for an exclusive interview.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: Mein Fuhrer, how do you respond to the recent embarrassment of two young Canadian voters being unceremoniously thrown out of a Conservative rally in London? What's the criteria for being accepted at such a rally?

Stephen Harper: There's no criteria, really. You just have to be white and conservative.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: What about non-whites who aren't conservatives?

Stephen Harper: [shakes his head] We stick with what we know.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: With the war in Afghanistan seeming increasingly unwinnable, what is Canada's exit strategy?

Stephen Harper: To build more prisons.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: How would that help with the war in Afghanistan?

Stephen Harper: It makes Canadians safer.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: How is that? For years, crime rates in Canada have been dropping.

Stephen Harper: Ah, but unreported crime is on the rise.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: According to what statistics?

Stephen Harper: [says nothing]

Inside the Hotdog Factory: Well, then, what about proroguing Parliament twice within thirteen months? Can you explain how that can be interpreted as anything other than sheer contempt for democracy and Canadian voters?

Stephen Harper: [says nothing]

Inside the Hotdog Factory: Or, the Bev Oda affair? How does the Harper Government reconcile that with the concept of "good government"?

Stephen Harper: [says nothing]

Inside the Hotdog Factory: Or, the deficit. You claim to be a fiscal conservative, when in fact, you're the one who's run up the deficit. But now you're asking Canadians to bite the bullet, have their services cut back, but to set money aside for prisons we don't need and for the unwinnable war in Afghanistan?

Stephen Harper: [says nothing]

At this point, one of Stephen Harper's Handlers enters the interivew area.

Handler: This interview is over.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: I beg your pardon, but I'll tell you when this interview is over.

Handler: It's over.

Inside the Hotdog Factory: Mr. Prime Minister, you're not going to allow this interruption, are you?

Stephen Harper: [shrugs] Sorry, you asked your five questions -- plus one because we only answered two questions yesterday. That's it.

Stephen Harper is led by the Handler to a coterie of 25 year old Creationists and led out of the Hotdog Factory.

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