Friday, December 10, 2010

19.5 Minutes in Hell: How I Learned My Lesson Faster Than Bill Wiese

I'm like you -- I thought Bill Wiese was full of shit.

Like most people I know, I read Bill Wiese's book 23 Minutes in Hell, but unlike many others, I wasn't sure how much I believed it -- I mean, a guy claiming he went to Hell and survived?

I'm so sure!

So, one day after fapping to online porn (man, nothing beats this site I found that shows girls eating and crying!), I fell asleep on my couch.

Or, shall I say, I thought I fell asleep on my couch.

You see, it was then that God grabbed me in his hands like a kid grabbing a minnow in a lake. And even though I didn't hear the actual voice of God -- it would have killed me; duh! -- I just sort of understood: "You don't believe good enough! You must experience hell in order to be a better person!"

And I was all like, "What? What?"

Next thing I knew, I woke up in a cell. But nothing like your regular drunk-tank cell down at the police station. Shit, no!

I'm talking a dungeon-like cell right out of a Vincent Price movie.

I was all groggy, like I'd had half a bottle of cough medicine and a few good hits my buddy, Lawrence's, naked lady bong, and I'm all "Whoa, where the hell am I? And what is that smell?"

I gotta tell you, the smell is what woke me up. It was a smell so bad I can't even describe it. It was terrible. Like a billion filled up Port-o-johns at a huge county fair where there could be, like, four billion people -- cause not everybody takes a shit at the fair -- and a wind was blowing it all right at me.

It was a blasphemous wind!

So, I woke up and I was choking and spitting and wondering where I was. As I looked around, I noticed there were two really, terrible ugly looking beasts in my cell. They were so ugly, I can't even describe them.

And they were looking at me. And I was all like, "Oh shit, what do I do? How do I get out of here?"

It was then that I noticed there was no door in the cell! What kind of cell is that? A cell in hell, that's what!

So, I figured, no sense making enemies my first day, and all, so I introduced myself to the beasts in my cell. Stupid idea! You see, they were pure evil. They were like the embodiment of all terror and horribleness. These were the kind of guys who would tear the top of a baby's head off, gut the baby and then use the baby's body as a straw, drinking a drink by sucking it up through the baby's asshole.

I can't think of anything more evil than that. These dudes looked like that's exactly what they were in to.

So, I tried introducing myself, but the beasts were talking back and forth in a language that I didn't understand, but just sort of knew was as blasphemous as the wind that blew in the smell of the billion Port-o-johns.

I figured it'd probably be best to just let them keep on talking and not interrupt. But it was too late. There is no tolerance for niceness in Hell. I was still getting used to the idea that I was actually in Hell, so I slipped. Those two beasts sure didn't let me off light!

Next thing I knew, the beasts attacked me. I mean, they were kneeing me in the balls, punching my sternum, giving me noogies and charley horses. When I'd shout or tell them to stop, they'd spit in my mouth.

Spit in my mouth!

That's when it totally sunk in, I'm in Hell!

So, those beasts were going to town on me and I was starting to think, "How much more of this can I take?" They were beating the shit out of me.

I sort of got knocked out; I was getting all lightheaded; getting that hit-off-the-naked-lady-bongo feeling again and BAM!

I'm suddenly in a hallway.

And I'm all like, "Wha? Wha? How did I get here?"

But then I noticed a guy standing near me. I took one look at him and I knew it was Jesus. He didn't even have to say anything, but he did. He said, "I am Jesus."

And I wasn't going to say something stupid like, "I know." I just looked at him, my balls and solar plexus and head all sore from the beat-down I took from the beasts. No wonder those assholes were locked!

So, I got up on my feet. Jesus was taller than me, which made me glad for some reason. I don't know. He looked just like he does in the movies. Man, you just look at him and think, "Yeah -- that's Jesus."

But I couldn't help myself -- I said: "Your Jesus. What are you doing in Hell?"

And he said, "I sometimes come to Hell to see how the people are doing who didn't believe in me or keep any of my Father's commandments."

"What am I doing here?" I said. "Am I dead?"

"You're not dead, but we're really worried about you," Jesus said. He said he'd been watching me and that I had to straighten my shit out; that he created me to be good, but that I was being a disappointment.

He took me to see the rest of Hell.

It was so horrible, I can't even describe it.

There were all the damned souls of people who thought it was cool to not believe in God and not caring about charities or children or going to church.

It was the most awful thing I ever saw. I'll never forget it.

And then Jesus turned to me and said, "You know what's expected of you. Live right or you'll end up here."

And I'll never forget what he said next: "Not everybody gets a second chance like you. Straighten up, but be sure to tell other people to straighten up because I can't take each and every person who's on the line down here and show them all this. So you have to tell them."

And so I'm telling you. Believe in God. Love little children. Go to church. Give all your money to charities. Lay off the Internet porn -- all porn, for that matter!

I spent 191/2 in hell and take it from me, you don't want to go there!

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