Sunday, December 19, 2010

JACTOFF presents Canadian Justice Kiosk

Have you ever been arrested, maybe for drunk driving, fighting in a bar, beating up a spouse or sledgehammering a public toilet?

Were you given a ticket by one of those troublesome "cops" demanding you appear in court?

Well, the Canadian judges' national body "Judges Acting Compassionately Toward Offenders' Future Freedom" (JACTOFF) is tired of the time-consuming bureaucracy that tangles up offenders after they've been caught.

Introducing Canadian Justice Kiosk -- or, denoted for the illiterate by the following pictogram:


Canadian Justice Kiosks are similar to those used by people to renew their driver's licenses or vehicle license plate tags.

Canadian Justice Kiosks are conveniently located in check-cashing depots, liquor and beer stores, laundromats, fishing tackle shops, bowling alleys, and of course, in malls. There are also a growing number of drive-thru kiosks -- look for one near you!

How does it work?

Say you're Biff and you've been ticketed for killing someone with your car while driving drunk. JACTOFF knows that "shit happens," so all Biff need do is go to a conveniently located Canadian Justice Kiosk, feed his ticket into the ticket reader and follow the prompts on the screen.

The first and most important question is:
How do you plead: GUILTY | NOT GUILTY
If Biff presses the touch-screen NOT GUILTY button, he receives the following message: HAVE A NICE DAY! And he's free to go.

Now, if Biff touches the GUILTY button, he is prompted to answer another question (JACTOFF believes in thoroughness when dispensing drive-thru justice!):
Was it your fault? YES | NO
If Biff presses NO, he receives the following message: HAVE A NICE DAY! And he's free to go.

If Biff pressed YES on that last question, he'd then be prompted to answer a few more:
Did you mean to do it? YES | NO

Do you promise never to do it again? YES | NO

Please choose your sentence: 10 DAYS | 30 DAYS | 60 DAYS | 90 DAYS | 120 DAYS | SUSPENDED

Where would you like to serve your sentence? HOUSE ARREST | PRISON

Please provide your sweater size so that one of our caring judges may knit one for you (please allow 4 - 6 weeks for delivery):
S | M | L | XL | XXL | XXXL | XXXXL | XXXXXL | XXXXXXL | XXXXXXXL
Biff replied:
  • YES, it was his fault

  • NO, he didn't mean to commit his offense

  • YES, he promises never to do it again

  • 30 DAYS as his sentence

  • HOUSE ARREST for the location where he'd prefer to serve his sentence

  • Sweater size of XXXXL.
He would then return to his home and begin serving his sentence.

No more time-consuming court dates! No more boring court proceedings! Now Biff is ready to get back in action expressing himself in society as he always has done: under the influence of methamphetamine, committing petty larceny, weapons danger, trafficking controlled substances -- and driving his dead mother's car all the while!

JACTOFF has been looking out for the interests of criminals for 72 years.

No crime's too big, no crime's too small for Canadian Justice Kiosk!

2 comments:

Whitey Lawful said...

Perverse...

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

Welcome to the zany world of Canadian Judas Prudence, the perversest show in the western world.