Pope's Xmas Message: 2010

Pope Ratzenburger began his Xmas address from a balcony in St. Peter's Bascillica, setting a new, lighter tone for 2011, by opening with the line: "Abra Cadabra! I wanna reach out and grab ya!"

After the obligatory potshots at China and the secular world, the leader of the world's largest peasant religion stated, "The Holy See intends to compete directly with China and so we are opening our own sweatshops around the world in all the foreign missions where labor laws do not exist. By 2014, the Roman Catholic Church will be the leading assembler of small plastic trinkets, makers of unholy denim trousers for the decadent west, as well as athletic shoes."

This news was greeted with great joy by the vendors of small plastic trinkets and Shroud of Turin dishtowels outside of the Vatican.

Nunzio Pasquali, one of these vendors, spoke for many when he said, "The Holy Father understands all!"

Pope Ratzenburger went on to challenge India's phone centers: "For too long, God's holy church has sat back while the dark hindu heathens have cornered the market on call centers. These unChristian voices speak to Christians all day long, giving them false information about how to troubleshoot their computers, cook their holiday turkeys or assemble indefensibly difficult-to-assemble Scandinavian furniture.

"In two years, the Vatican hopes to take 34 percent of India's call center market share. We hope to take more if Vatican hackers succeed in doing God's work and crashing the Indian VoIP systems."

The Pope closed with his usual -- running through a number of apologies for past criminal behavior on the part of the Church, which has harmed millions of innocents, blah blah blah.

The audience of the Pope's Xmas message was then given a Web address to go to when they got home to fill out an online survey rating this pope's Xmas message to past popes' Xmas messages.