What will be the next face of Catholic clergy sex partners?

Pope Says Sex Scandal Has Hit Unimaginable Dimension

The Roman Catholic Church banned its clergy from marrying sometime in the 1100s, instituting its policy of celibacy that is still in effect -- if not practice -- to this day.

There was no spiritual reason for the turn toward celibacy.

When married priests died before the 1100s, they left their money and property to their families. The Church didn't like that. It wanted all the priests' money and property when they died. So, it instituted the rule of celibacy.

It's the opinion of the editorial staff at Inside the Hotdog Factory that the sex abuse scandal involving the Catholic Church, spanning back most of the 20th century may stem from a previous, little-known policy in the Church.

Vow of celibacy or no vow of celibacy, clergy is going to have sex.

The traditional partner for the Roman Catholic priest up to the early 20th century was the rectory housekeeper.

But some of these housekeepers had the bad fortune and poor manners to, on occasion, become pregnant after sexual union with the padre.

Pregnancies mean progeny, which means heirs, which means warm bodies vying with the Church for priests' money and property when the good father died.

The Church hates competition. Look how it's treated Satan all these centuries.

So, a viable alternative to housekeepers as sexual partners had to be found for priests.

Who would be suitable?

The sexual partner had to be impressionable and obedient. The new sexual partner also had to know how to keep a secret.

Most importantly, the priest's sexual partner had to be someone who couldn't become pregnant (not only does the Church frown upon artificial contraception, it couldn't rely on its dullard priests to use it, even if the Church fully endorsed it).

What segment of the congregation fit this criteria?

Children. Boys never got pregnant and young girls couldn't yet become pregnant. In the corridors of the Holy See, this was considered a "win-win."

No documentation, to our knowledge, has yet surfaced showing the Church made it an official doctrine that children were acceptable substitutes for housekeepers as sexual partners for clergy, but it's clear this policy definitely existed on a wink-and-nod basis, which was understood far and wide.

As the pope, today, goes through the empty motions of feigning surprise and tepid outrage over the Church sex abuse scandal, we can be sure that behind the scenes teams of Vatican officials are busily constructing the profile of a new sexual partner for priests.

One thing Vatican officials didn't take into consideration when they deemed children suitable sexual partners for priests was the fact that after years of abuse, the threat of Hell lost its bite in the face of the torment these victims suffered at the hands of their ordained abusers.

Inside the Hotdog Factory has no word on exactly what the next iteration of clergy sex partner will be, but we have been told to look for priests to become very enthusiastic pet owners starting in 2011.

Update

Tell me I'm wrong:

From The Associated Press: "In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children," the pope said. "It was maintained — even within the realm of Catholic theology — that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a 'better than' and a 'worse than.' Nothing is good or bad in itself."

Holy fuck!