Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Mysterious Rumble in Ottawa traced to Senate Chamber -- someone actually showed up and an idea was put forth!

A royal commission is being assembled to look into the strange circumstances surrounding Canadian senators actually showing up for work and piecing together a "position paper."

Early reports indicate that senators had no idea that parliament was prorogued by Prime Minister Harper, in his continuing effort to dodge investigations into what he knew about Canadian forces in Afghanistan handing over detainees to be tortured. Since no Canadian senator has an email address, and the few who can read usually horde their special skill, senators were thought to be simply floating in their usual womb-like malaise and disarray.

Then, today's headline: Mounties should have cameras on their uniforms, senators say, appeared in The Globe & Mail.

The appearance of this position paper coincides with an increasing number of reports of mysterious rumbling sounds and strange lights in the sky in the area of the Canadian Senate. Until now, these reports had been dismissed out of hand because of a general, unwritten policy shared by law enforcement and the public: that nothing occurring near or around the senate is ever believed or taken seriously.

But now this position paper has surfaced: a 102-page report titled Toward a Red Serge Revival. Not only are senators, apparently, creating position papers, but they are actually titling them, as well!

Aside from the sheer oddity of anything occurring in the Canadian Senate, was the idea that police have camera's wired into their uniforms. It was a quaint, though hilarious and absurd, attempt by the senate to assert itself on a contemporary issue.

Also contained within the position paper were the following recommendations for other areas of Canadian life:
  • Canadian currency be made of edible material and citizens taxed based on their weight
  • Automobiles be made constructed of Nerf in order to soften collisions
  • "The Slinky" be the official symbol of the Canadian Senate
  • Tim Horton's coffee shops double as voting stations during elections
  • A Royal Commission be set up to look at ways of softening public attitudes toward urination in swimming pools
  • All hockey be played on rinks of frozen green Jell-O with bright yellow pucks
  • Fastfood drive-thru lanes be equipped with their own drive-thru lanes in order to speed up service.
Now, a royal commission is being established to investigate the events leading up to the Canadian Senate not only gathering -- somewhat -- but actually forming ideas. A shortlist of commissioners is expected by Christmas 2011.

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