Thursday, March 25, 2010

Creationism/Intelligent Design graduates hit the workforce

Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks

Texas Textbook MASSACRE: 'Ultraconservatives' Approve Radical Changes To State Education Curriculum

Thomas Jefferson No Longer Worthy of Study

The Texas Textbook Debate

Conservative Vision Ascendant In Latest TX History Textbooks Draft; Gingrich, Schlafly Back In

The Inside the Hotdog Factory time-machine was recently put at the disposal of freelance journalist, Reck Philips. He took it to the year 2021 in order to observe the results of graduates from Creationism/Intelligent Designs schools entering the workforce.

Here is his report:
Ever since the great Texas Textbook Controversy of 2010, educators, sociologists and political commentators of all stripes have been curious to see how children educated in systems heavily influenced by Judeo-Christian religion, Creationism and Intelligent Design would perform in the market-place-- excuse me, in "free enterprise."

My first stop was with born-again brain surgeon, Dr. Nevaeh Elijahson. After observing her performing surgery, I had a chance to sit down with her.

RECK PHILIPS: "Dr. Elijahson, how long have your practiced medicine?"

DR. ELIJAHSON: (thinks) "How long has malpractice law been abolished?"

RECK PHILIPS: "Four years."

DR. ELIJAHSON: "Then, four years."

RECK PHILIPS: "I'm not a physician, but I was under the impression that surgeons were supposed to 'scrub up' -- wash their hands -- before entering the operating theater."

DR. ELIJAHSON: (laughs) "It's not a theater! It's a room -- what we do in there is real!"

RECK PHILIPS: "Yes, but, the point is, neither you nor the surgical staff washed up before --"

DR. ELIJAHSON: "That's proven to be unnecessary because we each said a prayer before operating."

RECK PHILIPS: "I'm sorry?"

DR. ELIJAHSON: (laughs) "We prayed! Those who pray are cleansed in the Blood of Christ, and you can't get cleaner than that!"

RECK PHILIPS: "Be that as it may, I also witnessed a strange practice -- you smeared mud all over the patient's head. There's no way that can be sterile."

DR. ELIJAHSON: (heated) "That mud is from the Holy Land!"

RECK PHILIPS: "What is the patient's prognosis following surgery?"

DR. ELIJAHSON: "Prog-- what?"

RECK PHILIPS: "Will the patient be well following surgery?"

DR. ELIJAHSON: "Oh, the patient didn't survive. His faith wasn't strong enough."

* * *

Elsewhere, I observed other members of the community.

There was Isiah Ezekiel, an Ohio paramedic. Whenever he's called to an accident scene, he immediately drops to his knees and prays for the dead and injured.

There was Nevaeh Abraham, a born-again history teacher who taught in Topeka. I had a chance to observe her in the classroom:

NEVAEH ABRAHAM: "Class, who was America's greatest president?"

CLASS: "Jesus!"

NEVAEH ABRAHAM: (beaming) "That's right! And who was the second greatest president?"

CLASS: "Ronald Regan!"

NEVAEH ABRAHAM: "That's right!"

* * *

There was Nevaeh White, a born-again driving instructor who brought a very unique style to her job: As her student haltingly lurched out of the parking space, and was alternately too heavy on the accelerator and too heavy on the brake, Nevaeh closed her eyes and prayed in tongues.

* * *

Finally, Intelligent Design mathematicians were hard at work calculating the next date on which the Rapture would occur. The years 2000 and 2012 didn't work out, nor did:
  • 1792 - date calculated by the Shakers.

  • 1844 - William Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844, then revised his prediction, claiming to have miscalculated Scripture, to October 22, 1844. The result of their being no second coming was referred to as the Great Disappointment. Miller's theology gave rise to the Advent movement.

  • 1977 - William M. Branham predicted in 1962 that the Rapture could take place by 1977

  • 1981 - Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981.

  • 1988 - Publication of 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988, by Edgar C. Whisenant.

  • 1989 - Publication of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, by Edgar Whisenant. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years.

  • 1992 - Korean group "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.

  • 1993 - Seven years before the year 2000. The rapture would have to start to allow for seven years of the Tribulation before the Return in 2000. Multiple predictions.

  • 1994 - Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994. Radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted September 27, 1994.

  • 2011 - Harold Camping's revised prediction has May 21, 2011 as the date of the rapture.

  • 2060 - Sir Isaac Newton proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the Apocalypse could happen no earlier than 2060.
But Sir Isaac Newton's calculations don't count because he was an actual scientist.

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