Monday, March 22, 2010

The First United Church of Tiger Woods

It has been George Etfo's lifelong dream to minister to people. After failing to complete divinity school, and being asked to leave a Catholic seminary, he feared his dream would never come true.

Then he hit upon an idea. "It's our dreams that make us holy," Etfo said in a recent interview with Inside the Hotdog Factory. "And it's my ability to dream big that makes me perfectly suited to be a church leader."

Over the past 10 years, Etfo has worked tirelessly to bring his dream into reality: The First United Church of Tiger Woods.

Etfo planned the grand opening of his church -- spending thousands of dollars of his own money in advertising, mailings, sky-writing, etc. -- to open on November 28th 2009.

"But when Elin Woods smashed up Tiger's Cadillac Escalade with a golf club," Etfo says, reflectively, "she may as well have smashed out the stained glass windows of F.U.C. Tiger Woods."

The star to which Etfo had attached his dream had suddenly fallen.

"You see, F.U.C. Tiger Woods is about perfection," Etfo explains, "not forgiveness, as many other religions are based upon. It's the tenet of F.U.C. Tiger Woods that Woods is perfect at what he does, and thus should be worshiped."

Tiger Woods worshiped?

"The market has spoken," Etfo says. "The man is a billionaire."

So, all billionaires are worthy of worship.

"Only those who've become billionaires by playing golf," Etfo says. "Tiger Woods has accomplished that -- probably the only person who'll ever accomplish that."

Has Tiger's fall from grace left Etfo's church in Limbo?

"Not at all," Etfo says with confidence. "Tiger Woods has apologized for his actions. When he gave that moving, heartfelt apology, I felt like he was speaking directly to me. In fact, I'm having a life-sized replica of him at that podium made as we speak. It'll stand above the altar -- which is a putting green."

Has F.U.C. Tiger Woods opened yet?

"No, the doors will open after Tiger glorious victory at the Masters!" Etfo says.

And if Tiger doesn't win the Masters?

"The church will open, anyhow. Because if there's one lesson we can all take from Tiger Woods it's that reality doesn't matter. It's what we believe that matters."

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