Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Harold Camping Prize

Impressed by Nonagenarian Harold Camping's ability to predict the Rapture, evangelicals have created the Camping Prize -- the right-wing, conservative answer to the irrelevant, left-wing Nobel Prize.

A conservative group with ties to Koch Industries, known as "Conservative Republican American Patriots", (C.R.A.P.), announced the creation of the Camping Prize in a news release today, which stated in part:

"Enough with whiny, communist writers, scientists, economists and peace-niks receiving this hollow accolades, bringing them prestige and prize money. It's time to reward patriots for their patriotism in the pursuit of patriotism."

This year's Camping Prize winners are:

Economics: Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, for his tireless work on creating jobs and reinvigorating the economy by redefining "rape."

Family Values: Georgia state representative Bobby Franklin who is zealously fighting to make abortion a crime equal to murder and who seeks to investigate all women who miscarry to determine whether or not they intentionally ended their pregnancies -- with as many people as possible, at the end of the day, going to prison.

Human Rights: GOP House Leader, Eric Cantor, for his tireless work on behalf of under served minorities, particularly for his work on the Defense of the Wealthy bill. Also, Cantor received a nod for his metro-sexual grooming.

National Security: President Barak Obama for not only reneging on his campaign promise to close down America's concentration camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but for drafting legislation to keep it open indefinitely, while further curtailing prisoners' rights to trial.

A special nod was also given to President Obama's spineless negotiating techniques that have given Republicans most of what they demand, while having the knock-on effect of demoralizing and angering Obama's supporters. An impromptu war with Libya didn't hurt, either.

Psy-ops: [Names redacted] for seamlessly orchestrating the fictional narrative of Osama Bin Laden's assassination. While uninformed Americans celebrate the "killing" of this fictional figure, [names redacted] continue to use the Bin Laden bogey to frighten the populace with dire warnings of reprisal attacks. Also, the "trove of intelligence" allegedly found at Bin Laden's lair will yield years of fodder for frightening Americans into further submission.

Honor: U.S. Representative for Wisconsin's 1st congressional district, Paul Ryan, for his strides in reducing the quality of life for seniors and the American middle class. Of particular note is Ryan's relentless work on dismantling Medicare and almost everything else that makes life worth living in an America that is swiftly transitioning from a 1st World nation to a 2nd World nation.

Compliance & Patriotic Obedience: The United States media will share this award for its unending, uncritical regurgitation of the offiical narrative handed down by corporate leaders and politicians, without which, most of the hard work of transitioning from the most powerful country in the world to a tin-pot banana republic would not have been possible.

From its embrace of the Warren Commision's findings in 1964, to its woeful under-reporting of the details of the Iran/Contra scandal, for blanketing the airwaves with reality TV shows following 9/11, to looking the other way following the two elections stolen by George W. Bush, the American media has been a stalwart of mediocrity and obedience, perpetuating the myths that may not make the country strong, but at least strengthens and shields those who are transitioning America to be on par with Jamaica, in its economy, education, quality of life, access to medical care, infant mortality and literacy.

As each award winner is asked to pay for their award and its engraving, the other winners declined to accept their honors.

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