Friday, May 13, 2011

Rep. Eric Cantor to propose "Defense of the Wealthy" bill

As law makers grill oil executives on Capitol Hill today, insiders are saying that GOP House Leader, Eric Cantor, is set to introduce the "Defense of the Wealthy" bill sometime next week.

During the worst recession in several generations, Democrats are questioning why the oil industry -- which is pulling in record profits -- is still receiving plum tax breaks.

Republicans see this as a war on America's most successful citizens and have decided that enough is enough.

"For too long, success has been treated like a crime in this country," Cantor said at a hastily organized press conference. "The Democrats have waged war on our most affluent citizens, with piecemeal legislation that just picks, picks, picks at our super rich."

Cantor will introduce legislation that will thwart any attempts to:
  • Induce wealthy Americans to pay income tax

  • Force corporations to pay income tax

  • Take away or limit government subsidies for corporations
"The poor and powerless have controlled America for too long! It's time for Congress to stand up for our most vulnerable citizens: the millionaires and billionaires who have become the butts of comedians' jokes, the targets of bloggers and newspaper and television editorials. This witch hunt must end!"

To bring home the point behind the "Defense of the Wealthy" bill, Rep. Cantor will be joined by executives from Borders Books, who recently demanded $8 million in performance bonuses, even though they drove the company into bankruptcy. Judge Martin Glenn of U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Manhattan oversaw the amendment of this compensatin package -- lowered to $6.6 million -- commenting that it was needed so that Borders could "maintain its experienced workforce."

The much-villified Borders executives will pose for a photo op with Rep. Cantor to reinforce the need for and to put a human face on the "Defense of the Wealthy" bill.

"In closing," Cantor continued, "as my unfortunate Democratic colleagues question oil executives, I would like to emphasize that there is absolutely no correlation between high gas prices and the record high profits being reaped by American oil companies. Anyone who says otherwise is a conspiracy theorist!"

"Congressman, you keep describing America's super rich as the country's 'most vulnerable' citizens," said a reporter from the Times Herald Tribune. "Could you please elaborate on how, exactly, you've arrived at that definition for America's most rich and powerful?"

"Certainly," Cantor said. "America's super rich is a minority, not unlike the whites in South Africa or college professors in Texas. But unlike the whites in South Africa or college professors in Texas, our top one percent wage earners are under continuous attack because they have prosper financially from war and human misery. If Congress cannot muster the moral courage to protect this vulnerable, at-risk group, then who do we defend?"

Rep. Cantor stepped back from the microphone to dab his eyes with a handkerchief.

"Then this is no longer the country I was born in," he finished, voice shaking with emotion.

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