The Five Families of Michigan Furniture Sales meet regarding competitor's recent explosion

In the wake of the gas leak explosion that destroyed the William C. Franks furniture store in Wayne County, Michigan, the Five Families of Michigan Furniture Sales have called an emergency meeting regarding marketing in 2011.

At the top of the agenda is a resolution that the furniture families will indefinitely suspend use of the following marketing slogans:

• Blow-out Sale!
  
• Fire Sale!
  
• Explosive Savings!

Fighting terrorism by tarring and feathering ourselves

Since September 11, 2001, the mantra of North America has become "The terrorists! The terrorists!" -- bawled with the voices of cigarette-addled grannies in a bingo hall.

This unseemly shrieking obsession with "The terrorists!", with this polymorphous army of monsters who are at once brilliant and stupid (think "underwear bomber", think "shoebomber", think Swedish suicide bomber who accidentally detonated himself early by bending down to pick up his cell phone after dropping it), who are everywhere and nowhere at once.

Lessons of Watergate from the year when nobody cares anymore

Lesson #1
Every scandal from Watergate onward would have "gate" attached to it. "Angolagate", "Irangate", "Coingate", "Travelgate", "Cablegate", etc.

Lessong #2
No American president would again be held accountable for his actions in office. Bill Clinton was impeached for lying about receiving a blowjob, but he did not resign his office over it.

Lesson #3
Partisanship is the answer.

In the documentary Watergate: 784 Days that Changed America, a few Republican loyalists hung on to the bitter end supporting Richard Nixon, but when the "smoking gun" evidence of wrongdoing came to light, they voted against him.

Never again would evidence play such a role in politics again.

From 1974 onward, Washington has been as staged, scripted, rigged and choreographed as professional wrestling, the narrative demanding the Bleeding Heart Spaghetti Spines (Dems) be on top sometimes and other times the Bullet-headed Hard Hearts (Republicans) be on top.

It's no different than Wrestlemania.

Lesson #4
Partisanship heals no wounds, but selfishly and self-defeatingly stems political bleeding. In Washington, that's enough.

When partisanship appears to be failing, pile on more. When more is not enough, pile on more.

Lesson #5
Yes, the general public is that stupid. Tell them anything and they'll believe it. Really, anything. Anything at all. Absolutely anything. Or, nothing at all. It would never matter again.

Lesson #6
"Let them eat cake" became a viable political strategy, as Ronald Reagan so ably proved during his scourge in office.

Abbotsford, BC border crossing -- ground zero of breathtaking ineptitude

When I was 17 years old, a girlfriend and I were giving a family friend a ride home. It was seven o'clock on a Friday evening.

At the top of my street, I pulled into traffic when there was an opening; no in-a-hurry vehicular acrobatics, no new driver bullshit -- just a right turn onto an ordinary street.

Pope's Xmas Message: 2010

Pope Ratzenburger began his Xmas address from a balcony in St. Peter's Bascillica, setting a new, lighter tone for 2011, by opening with the line: "Abra Cadabra! I wanna reach out and grab ya!"

After the obligatory potshots at China and the secular world, the leader of the world's largest peasant religion stated, "The Holy See intends to compete directly with China and so we are opening our own sweatshops around the world in all the foreign missions where labor laws do not exist. By 2014, the Roman Catholic Church will be the leading assembler of small plastic trinkets, makers of unholy denim trousers for the decadent west, as well as athletic shoes."

Win!

Christmas Conscripts

Morose, mechanical, maniacal, the Target rioting hordes stampede into stores, eating their own, rampaging, frightening withered Santas in costumes red as nose bleeds.

Seated on cheap, seasonal thrones, like beef jerky totems, the Santa Corp observe, wide-eyed, the shopping ferocious tide, part animal, part cannibal, wielding credit cards like razor blades, human batteries with their carnival girths of Big Macs, heart attacks, lunging down aisles, hunger/gatherers, on the hunt that has no end.

Shop!
You must!
Favorite Things for all!
And to all a rude night!

Cell Phone Time Traveler in Chaplin Film Explained!

From MSNBC Tech Blog:

Cell phone time traveler from 1928?

Is a woman in a 1928 film who appears to have a cell phone glued to her ear in fact a time traveler? That's what some conspiracy theorists think this eerie scene (video below) from Charlie Chaplin's 1928 film, "The Circus" is telegraphing, or rather phoning, and that the woman -- who looks about as time-traveler-ish as Martha Stewart, is indeed a voyager from the vortex of time and space.

Explanation

Gem found in a used bookstore

600th Post: "Dear Larry"

​​Dear Larry:

You were right -- Spiderman: Turn off the Dark is the stupidest idea since The Million Dollar Hotel.​

At least I didn't go along with Edge on writing a musical about Gallagher the Prop Comic.

Could you imagine?​

Edge said he'd found the perfect effects box for when Gallagher'd use the Sledge-o-matic. The effects box turned out to be some monstrosity he bought from M.I.T. and took up the entire back of a cube van.

I'm still stinging, though, over his rebuking my idea for the musical, Carrot Top: Stupidity Never Sleeps.

For the millionth time, I'm sorry for asking Adam to join the band. I'm sure he'll leave any week now.​ I know I've been saying that since 1978, but this time I really feel like it's true.

I'm also sorry for the complete fuck-up my back injury caused the band. My doctor told me playing Bocce Ball would strengthen my back. How was I to know the silly git was a psychic surgeon and knew bugger all about spinal erectors?

I do hope you've given up working on that drum machine. Edge and I think you're a brilliant drummer.

You know how Lou Reed knows only three chords, but has written all those songs? Well, think of it, you know two less rhythms on the drums and look at how many songs you've played on!

We don't think of you as limited, but as consistent.

You play the same bloody thing every time you pick up your sticks and we like that. What the hell would we do with a Carmine Appice or Neil Peart? I'll tell you, neither of them would've dressed as a woman in the Wim Wenders video for "One," I guarantee you that.

Well, I'm about due to lose my laptop filled with lyrics, so I'll sign off asking if I might borrow a few quid. Spiderman's burying me and the fucking Red Campaign is a bloody albatross. I'm at a cafe in Namibia and I don't even have money enough to cover my hotel room, limo ride to the airport, armed security, hair products or flight home.

Zing a little something into me PayPal, would you?

Thanks a million!
Bono

What will be the next face of Catholic clergy sex partners?

Pope Says Sex Scandal Has Hit Unimaginable Dimension

The Roman Catholic Church banned its clergy from marrying sometime in the 1100s, instituting its policy of celibacy that is still in effect -- if not practice -- to this day.

There was no spiritual reason for the turn toward celibacy.

When married priests died before the 1100s, they left their money and property to their families. The Church didn't like that. It wanted all the priests' money and property when they died. So, it instituted the rule of celibacy.

It's the opinion of the editorial staff at Inside the Hotdog Factory that the sex abuse scandal involving the Catholic Church, spanning back most of the 20th century may stem from a previous, little-known policy in the Church.

Vow of celibacy or no vow of celibacy, clergy is going to have sex.

The traditional partner for the Roman Catholic priest up to the early 20th century was the rectory housekeeper.

But some of these housekeepers had the bad fortune and poor manners to, on occasion, become pregnant after sexual union with the padre.

Pregnancies mean progeny, which means heirs, which means warm bodies vying with the Church for priests' money and property when the good father died.

The Church hates competition. Look how it's treated Satan all these centuries.

So, a viable alternative to housekeepers as sexual partners had to be found for priests.

Who would be suitable?

The sexual partner had to be impressionable and obedient. The new sexual partner also had to know how to keep a secret.

Most importantly, the priest's sexual partner had to be someone who couldn't become pregnant (not only does the Church frown upon artificial contraception, it couldn't rely on its dullard priests to use it, even if the Church fully endorsed it).

What segment of the congregation fit this criteria?

Children. Boys never got pregnant and young girls couldn't yet become pregnant. In the corridors of the Holy See, this was considered a "win-win."

No documentation, to our knowledge, has yet surfaced showing the Church made it an official doctrine that children were acceptable substitutes for housekeepers as sexual partners for clergy, but it's clear this policy definitely existed on a wink-and-nod basis, which was understood far and wide.

As the pope, today, goes through the empty motions of feigning surprise and tepid outrage over the Church sex abuse scandal, we can be sure that behind the scenes teams of Vatican officials are busily constructing the profile of a new sexual partner for priests.

One thing Vatican officials didn't take into consideration when they deemed children suitable sexual partners for priests was the fact that after years of abuse, the threat of Hell lost its bite in the face of the torment these victims suffered at the hands of their ordained abusers.

Inside the Hotdog Factory has no word on exactly what the next iteration of clergy sex partner will be, but we have been told to look for priests to become very enthusiastic pet owners starting in 2011.

Update

Tell me I'm wrong:

From The Associated Press: "In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children," the pope said. "It was maintained — even within the realm of Catholic theology — that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a 'better than' and a 'worse than.' Nothing is good or bad in itself."

Holy fuck!

JACTOFF presents Canadian Justice Kiosk

Have you ever been arrested, maybe for drunk driving, fighting in a bar, beating up a spouse or sledgehammering a public toilet?

Were you given a ticket by one of those troublesome "cops" demanding you appear in court?

Well, the Canadian judges' national body "Judges Acting Compassionately Toward Offenders' Future Freedom" (JACTOFF) is tired of the time-consuming bureaucracy that tangles up offenders after they've been caught.

Introducing Canadian Justice Kiosk -- or, denoted for the illiterate by the following pictogram:


Canadian Justice Kiosks are similar to those used by people to renew their driver's licenses or vehicle license plate tags.

Canadian Justice Kiosks are conveniently located in check-cashing depots, liquor and beer stores, laundromats, fishing tackle shops, bowling alleys, and of course, in malls. There are also a growing number of drive-thru kiosks -- look for one near you!

How does it work?

Say you're Biff and you've been ticketed for killing someone with your car while driving drunk. JACTOFF knows that "shit happens," so all Biff need do is go to a conveniently located Canadian Justice Kiosk, feed his ticket into the ticket reader and follow the prompts on the screen.

The first and most important question is:

How do you plead: GUILTY | NOT GUILTY

If Biff presses the touch-screen NOT GUILTY button, he receives the following message: HAVE A NICE DAY! And he's free to go.

Now, if Biff touches the GUILTY button, he is prompted to answer another question (JACTOFF believes in thoroughness when dispensing drive-thru justice!):

Was it your fault? YES | NO

If Biff presses NO, he receives the following message: HAVE A NICE DAY! And he's free to go.

If Biff pressed YES on that last question, he'd then be prompted to answer a few more:

Did you mean to do it? YES | NO

Do you promise never to do it again? YES | NO

Please choose your sentence: 10 DAYS | 30 DAYS | 60 DAYS | 90 DAYS | 120 DAYS | SUSPENDED

Where would you like to serve your sentence? HOUSE ARREST | PRISON

Please provide your sweater size so that one of our caring judges may knit one for you (please allow 4 - 6 weeks for delivery):
S | M | L | XL | XXL | XXXL | XXXXL | XXXXXL | XXXXXXL | XXXXXXXL

Biff replied:

• YES, it was his fault


• NO, he didn't mean to commit his offense


• YES, he promises never to do it again


• 30 DAYS as his sentence


• HOUSE ARREST for the location where he'd prefer to serve his sentence


• Sweater size of XXXXL.

He would then return to his home and begin serving his sentence.

No more time-consuming court dates! No more boring court proceedings! Now Biff is ready to get back in action expressing himself in society as he always has done: under the influence of methamphetamine, committing petty larceny, weapons danger, trafficking controlled substances -- and driving his dead mother's car all the while!

JACTOFF has been looking out for the interests of criminals for 72 years.

No crime's too big, no crime's too small for Canadian Justice Kiosk!

Sorry, Canada ... it's time to grow up

Nobody likes hearing it, but sometimes it's got to be said: Canada, it's time to grow up.

It's time to face the fact that there are bad people in society. Irredeemable people. People who, pathologically, cannot play well with others.

Hamilton rapist, Christopher DeCosta, has been given a 42 month sentence for a brutal assault he perpetrated on a 17 year old unconscious girl, lovingly filmed on a cellphone by one of the rapists admirers.

The prosecutor in the case asked for -- and got -- a seven year sentence for the rapist: a woefully light sentence for what everyone agrees was a heinous crime.

But Superior Court Justice Stephen Glithero gave the rapist two-for-one credit for pretrial custody.

What on earth is up with this "two-for-one" horseshit? Is justice Glithero concerned he may be dropped from DeCosta's Xmas card list?

No, I fear it's worse.

Canadian judges clearly come from an alternate reality, one in which their grave words and dour disappointment carries with it the weight of liens against one's soul.

In this case, justice Glithero said he had difficulty mustering the words to "adequately describe the seriousness of the crime and the 'breach of human values and human dignity.'"

And: "I don't understand, Mr. DeCosta, how you could do these things — no matter how drunk you were. There are just some things that are so depraved in terms of the actions you performed on another human being that it just defies understanding . . ."

Then the judge handed this monster a two-for-one deal on an already egregiously light sentence.

What. A. Fucking. Joke.

Canadian judges believe their words carry the force of Thor, the fearsomeness of Zeus. I'm sure in the funhouse-mirror of their minds, they do. In the real world, these judges are viewed as daft, arcane uppercrust gobshites tut-tutting rapists and robbers and miscreants of all stripes.

I'm sure DeCosta, beneath his lawyer-advised-contrite expression, was laughing in justice Glithero's face.

I recently caught an epside of TVO's The Agenda that dealt with the sentencing of criminals in Canada. One veal calf academic from Kingston assured viewers that Canadian judges "know how to deal with bad guys."

You think so? You honestly, swear on the Complete Coronation Street collection believe Canadian judges know how to deal with bad guys?

Point of order, sir!

There is a vast and increasingly troubling disconnect between Canadian judges, who frolick on their country estates, fox hunting, building model ships within bottles, breeding show dogs and polishing their sterling silver tea sets, and the reality of hardcore violent criminals.

I'm sure Cecil or Dalton or Hiram or Leicester -- or whatever these judge's names are -- would have been mortified to the point of coma by a "tongue-lashing" when they were adolescents in Upper Canada College.

I would have no doubt, they would cower and question their very existence when the headmaster said he could not understand why they had done whatever they'd done to break the rules -- you know, like reading Proust after "lights out," smoking a cigarette behind the horse barn at the polo club, or for having an overdue library book.

There's no question in my mind that these future justices would have wilted in the wingback chair in the headmaster's office, hearing they'd caused DISAPPOINTMENT in an AUTHORITY FIGURE.

But, it's time to grow up, justices.

Not everyone shares your reverence for the rules, for authority, or for laaaw.

Justice Glithero may find it equally difficult to concieve that DeCosta probably wasn't even listening to the "pranging" he was given in court. DeCosta was surely too busy silently thanking whatever malevolent deity to whom he owes allegiance for being born in a country that offers rapists who film their crimes two-for-one deals.

Manifest Density - the unstoppable decline of the US ... pop some popcorn and watch!

Exclusive: US empire could collapse at any time, Pulitzer winner tells Raw Story

Bribe To Avoid Bribery Charges Successful: Nigeria drops charges against Halliburton, Cheney

Headline on Reddit.com: "The incoming GOP majority has a new initiative called YouCut, which lets Americans propose government programs for termination. So imagine how excited I was to learn that YouCut's first target — yes, its first target — was that notoriously bloated white elephant, the National Science Foundation." -- YouCut Citizen Review of a government agency: we will identify wasteful spending that should be cut

It's NASCAR. It's a disaster show on TLC, watching tornadoes gobble trailer homes, kicking cars up into trees and stacking yachts like toys.

It's COPS. It's Bum Fights. It's Ghetto Fights.

It's Manifest Density -- the demise of the United States of America.

It's an ugly, guilty pleasure filled with pointless destruction, base human misery, egregious sensationalism and an indefensible desire on my part to witness the whole mess.

For these reasons, I will from now on be cheering for the Repugnican Party from the sidelines.

I will light prayer candles that Sarah Palin becomes president in 2012.

I look forward to John Boehner's orange face becoming as ubiquitous as the yellow smilely "Have a nice day" face of the 1970s.

Any Democratic initiatives I'll hear about in the news, I shall boo.

The more outlandish, stupid, mean and cruel the initatives coming from the Repugnicans, I shall cheer. Cry for more.

Because the wheels are coming off the cart.

To all commentators who believe they're really walking the wire by asking in columns "Is America in decline?" I say, America is a comatosed stroke victim who's basic functions continue only because the brainstem doesn't know to quit.

So, when I hear of rich Repugnicans decrying the criminality of providing food at school to impoverished children, I will applaud.

The wheels have nearly come off the cart.

America is that shirtless, panting perpetrator fleeing sheriffs deputies on an episode of COPS; sprinting toward a swamp, where he hopes to wade through shit and get away -- but, where he'll be tackled in shit, carted away covered in shit, to sit in a jail cell caked in dried shit.

In 2011, when I hear America trumpet its empty commitment to freedom and democracy, as it refuses to prosecute torturers and war criminals in its midst, I will shout: "More! More!"

I can hear a balcony heckler say, "How can you be so defeatist?"

Because we are dealing with human stupidity of such a virulent strain you'd think it was created in a laboratory.

There are no sandbags to be placed in the path of this stupidity.

There are no riot troops to call out onto this stupidity.

There is no vaccine for it, nor is there any high ground to seek refuge from it.

It's a confluence of events unforeseen or possibly which has been predestined since the ink on the Declaration of Independence was still damp: when the cowardice of Democratic party meets the malevolent ignorance of the Repugnican party, they form a third compound that turns oxygen into cyanide, water into sulfuric acid and speech into the screeching of monkeys.

So, as I continue to read about people who have been charged with no crimes rotting in solitary confinement in American prisons because the rule of law was turned into toilet paper during the reign of George W. Bush, I will nod and say, "That's how ya do it!"

And the next time I see or hear of an American politician talking about peace and justice and human rights, I will rise to my feet, my right arm held out in front of me at a 100-degree angle and I will cry:

"Hypocrisy today! Hypocrisy tomorrow! Hypocrisy forever!"

George W. Bush Library

Come down to the George W. Bush lib'ary now and get half off all Civil War memorabilias!

We got fun for the kiddies with our possum-catching pen.

Ladies will love the Laura W. Bush kitchen and sewing stuff store.

Men, we got a shootin' range better'n Fort Benning's. There's horseshoe pits, BBQ, TV dinners scraped out onto paper plates by onsite unpaid prison laborers and kegs-o'-suds everywhere you turn!

Just, please, be sure to aim your puke into the grass!

Now, I hear people saying, "Wurlton, why in the hale would I wanna waste an affernoon in a gawddamned lib'ary? I quit school in fourth grade cuz I's sick books!"

Well, I'll tell you -- we only call the George W. Bush Shithouse a "lib'ary" so's we could qualify for fed'ral fundin'. Hey, if those socialist commies granola-eaters are gonna out free money, we may as well get ours!

So, come on down! We're more fun than the Creationist Museum! We're only two miles from the nearest Cracker Barrel! There's a full service evangelical church on site holdin' services every 45 minutes -- worshippin' so hard we're prolly tiring out Gawd Hisself!

Bring your family, bring your gun, bring your Bible!

The George W. Bush Lib'ary: fun for Goobers, Goobettes and Gooblets alike!

Inside the Hotdog Factory wants you to stay safe during Christmas . . .

. . . so we're passing along the Holiday Safety Tips a large corporation circulated among its employees -- which it loves.

Pentagon asks Interpol to detain the Red Cross

Obama Cites Afghan Gains as Report Says Exit Is on Track

America is enjoying the type of success in Afghanistan that is indistinguishable from failure.

While President Platitude announced "gains" in the war in Afghanistan, and that the unspecified exit is "on track", the International Committee of the Red Cross held a press conference announcing: Aid Conditions Hit New Low in Afghanistan.

So, it's not surprising in some circles that this afternoon the Pentagon asked Interpol to issue a "red notice" for the detention of the Red Cross for having sex with another, unnamed charity, without using a condom.

The timing of this request is being widely viewed with suspicion, but the Pentagon insists there is no connection between its "red notice" request and the Red Cross's press conference today.

"There is no connection between our request for the Interpol 'red notice' and the Red Cross's unfortunate press conference," said a Pentagon spokesman.

The team at Inside the Hotdog Factory isn't so sure.

Officials at Interpol leaped at the chance to do the Pentagon's bidding . . . but then quickly got hold of themselves, adjusting their suits and smoothing their hair. Even so, their excitement was palpable.

Inter-charity sexual relations isn't something that often makes the news, but as one observer noted, "How do you think little charities come into the world? The stork?"

Certainly not.

That said, it is highly unusual that the issue of whether or not a condom was used during such an intimate union becomes a matter for law enforcement, much less the US Pentagon, which has absolutely no jurisdiction in this obscure matter.

"The Pentagon is not now, nor has it ever been concerned with issues of 'jurisdiction'," said the Pentagon spokesman. "If it can be bombed, it's part of our purview."

At this moment, the Red Cross remains at large and the complainant charity with whom it had sexual relations has so far eluded the press.

Lame Magazine's "Pomegranate of the Year"

US tourism declines due to TSA fascist practices -- Solution: an ad campaign

US Response To Massive Decline In Foreign Travelers: Keep Crazy Policies, But Set Up Ad Campaign

The [Corporation for Travel Promotion] board members say every state needs the power of the U.S. brand to make people visit

My comment on the Commerce Department Web site regarding the CTP:

You can run all the slick ads showing Graceland, Disney World and Sunset Boulevard -- I'm not traveling to the U.S.

Between your full body scanning machines and "enhanced pat downs", I'm not going to spend a nickel to undergo such humiliating treatment at the hands of pro-fascist totalitarians.

"But the terrorists!" you screech. "Security!"

Bullshit.

Michael Chertoff sold you on those lousy, unproven scanners -- for which the TSA won't release the full health impact studies.

And what about that poor teenager who apparently stowed away on an N.C. to Boston flight?

Where's the security there, that a distraut teenager could gain access not only to a supposedly secured area, but could approach and stowaway on the plane?

My family and I must either be photographed naked or be groped by your TSA in order to visit Disney World?

Forget it.

So, roll out the ads. Give some agency a fat contract.

I don't care if your ads are written by George Bernard Shaw and shot by Akira Kurosawa -- I refuse to subject myself and my family to a totalitarian regime. End of story.

Wikileaks: Vatican extends consular sovereignty to include children's genitals

I've always liked the idea that a country's embassy in another country is considered sovereign -- that Argentina's embassy in Norway is considered to sit upon Argentinean soil.

During the 1989 American invasion of Panama, dictator, drug runner and CIA employee, Manuel Noriega, took refuge in the Vatican embassy in Panama. The Americans couldn't touch him because the property was considered sovereign Vatican land.

That didn't stop the US from blasting the property with high-decibel music, chanting and even the screeching of rabbits being killed (I'll bet the poor sot who had to gather that audio never thought he'd be asked to do such a thing when he was suckered by the Be All You Can Be commercials).

In the ever-expanding-exploding Vatican child sex scandal, the Vatican has made a very interesting revelation about what it considers sovereign territory. It appears the Roman Catholic Church believes the bodies -- particularly the genitals -- of children are also part of its sovereign territory. Incredible.

From the Wikileaks document release in The Guardian:

The Vatican believes the Irish government failed to respect and protect Vatican sovereignty during the investigations.
. . .

The Murphy Commission's requests offended many in the Vatican, the Holy See's Assessor Peter Wells (protect strictly) told DCM, because they saw them as an affront to Vatican sovereignty. Vatican officials were also angered that the Government of Ireland did not step in to direct the Murphy Commission to follow standard procedures in communications with Vatican City. Adding insult to injury, Vatican officials also believed some Irish opposition politicians were making political hay with the situation by calling publicly on the government to demand that the Vatican reply. Ultimately, Vatican Secretary of State (Prime Minister equivalent) Bertone wrote to the Irish Embassy that requests related to the investigation must come through diplomatic channels via letters rogatory.

The Vatican was angered. The bad guys were angered. The villains were perturbed.

They should be in prison.

The Roman Catholic Church should be recognized as a criminal organization, broken up and its parts sold off.

And it's criminal apparatus of priests, bishops, cardinals and pontiff should be put on trial for crimes against humanity.

What a Christmas gift that would be!